The Bank of DP is ME!

[MsSavingPennies]

Where to start. Well I'm feeling stressed out regarding my dp's attitude to money.

We moved house recently. Before and after the move we made a spreadsheet of household outgoings/incomings and we both decided who was going to pay for what. He also told me he was going to be better off each month living together. Since then dp got a new job with more money which has closed the gap between our salaries greatly. I earn more but some of my work is freelance so varies.

So we divided up the outgoings, with me paying more in bills, which almost equates to the difference in salaries. Also with the move extra things need bought and renovations need doing so we have a savings account too. I have been paying into the savings account every month, I make sure I budget to do this. I had a good look today and he has contributed 1/20th.

Part of his outgoings were to be food shops, but he only buys bits and pieces. I have found myself buying food basics and meat etc. Last week he asked me to get the shopping while I was out but didn't hand over any money for it. So earlier in the week I said to him that I was going to change what I paid for and I would do the food shopping instead. His face fell at this but I explained it made more sense. I just want him to pay his fair share so I am not supplementing any more. So I got home last night and he said our joint account was overdrawn, this is used for some joint bills, we have own bank accounts too. He said am I supposed to be paying for '!!' which he hadn't put money into the account for. I'm thinking well yes, we have discussed this more than once, and you have paid it and made a point of telling me you had paid it more than once... Now I am overdrawn in my personal account too.

What angers me is that he has been buying treats for himself and going on nights outs etc. This week a day away with friends, lunch with colleagues and a work night out. And I am really watching my money. Then he said can we get the work on the house started in the spring, and how about asking if they also can do this and that too. The money saved is not quite enough to cover this yet and I'm thinking - Well where do you think the extra is going to come from?? I am guessing it will be from me budgeting my salary. At this point he hadn't told me his DSis offered to give us money towards the renovations and she had asked him to sent her the quote! I had no idea of this, and found out by accident. I was so angry as I don't want a hand out, or these things happening behind my back especially when the house is in both names and I am paying more than my fair share. But something that his Dsis did add was 'now you are earning more you can save towards the renovations and future projects, I'm sure that's what you plan to do anyway'

Sorry for ranting but this is wearing me down. I don't know what he is doing with his money? I have been a single mum and was careful with money. Financially I feel like I'm being dragged down too, and I work more than full time hours. I'm tired and irritable and feel so angry towards him at the moment

I feel like I'm being treated like a mug... The bank of MsSavingPennies :-(

[RabidCarrot]

He needs to grow up, really he does

[olgaga]

You are indeed being treated like a mug - you don't need us to tell you that.

Trust in a relationship is at least as important as love.

You can't trust this man, so why would you trust him to change?

I'd get out now before he bleeds you dry.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

You feel like a mug because you are being treated like one.

What do you get out of this relationship now?

You'd be better off on your own than with this cocklodger.

You and he should not be together.

[UnlikelyAmazonian]

dump him dump him dump him. and fast.

[scarletforya]

Oh my God. He's a parasite. Red flags all over the place OP. As for him dragging his sister into your finances without discussing it with you......just no

None of it bodes well OP.

[HipHopOpotomus]

If you do intend to persevere with the relationship, why not add up all the bills/outgoings, divide by 2 and put half each into joint account.

He must also promise to spend ££ only from his own account unless it is for a joint bill?

My P is dreadful with money - absolutely fucking clueless. I pay more re bills as I earn more (we do it pro-rata) but I know if I left things up to him we would spiral into debt & despair. So we don't have a joint account. the bills/expenses are X, and he gives my the agreed amount of Y every month. Sorted.

[MsSavingPennies]

We have been together for a number of years and had our own homes, so I thought I knew him pretty well. He put more down on the house deposit. We only just bought the home together a few months ago and we do have a good relationship on the whole. We share cooking, chores etc, have lots in common, have a good cuddle..

I know what you are all saying though, it looks bad, and I'm worried that he may have money problems that I don't now about! But surely that would be picked up during mortgage process? He did put down more on the house deposit than me too.

I need to get balls!

Hiphop, good idea :-) I need to try something before I throw it all away. But I think I need to put a time limit on it! My way or the highway!!

Thanks all

[Xales]

As you were a single mum I am assuming you have children that are not his.

So basically he is going on evenings out and having treats out of money which he is supposed to be paying his share of food and bills from.

Essentially taking it direct from your kids mouths.

I bet if/when you split up he will make it very loud and clear that he put in XX as a deposit while the bills are down to both of you...

[jen127]

Been there he needs to pay half the bills - plain and simple otherwise resent will happen !
He then pays for his treats etc out of what is left !

[HipHopOpotomus]

And the amount he puts aside for bills each month, need to include something towards annual expenses etc like TV licence, insurances etc - that amount will build up so when one of theses annual bills comes in, they ££ is there to pay it.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

I'd agree with HipHop. Work out the real household budget for everything that is shared, including something for one-off expenses (Christmas, family holiday, new appliances) and a portion for savings ... put half each that amount into a joint account and keep the rest to save or spend as you see fit. Set up a regular/monthly finance meeting (sounds nerdy but when you're with someone like your DP I think belt and braces are required) where any adjustments can be made or any big expenditures discussed. The beauty of the above system is that, if he gets in over his head and runs up debts on his personal account, they do not belong to you.

Having once been married to a man such as you describe I'd urge you to keep as financially independent as possible whilst covering the joint outgoings. When it comes to your property, it may be well worth drawing something up legally about his contribution.

[MsSavingPennies]

Thank you all for such useful advice. I had a long chat with dp last night re money and his spending, he doesn't think he is spending too much on frivolous things but I pointed out he has added nothing to the savings. So from now on house first, buying other things second. I have also told him that I expect him to save money into the pot and no more financial offers from family - he is a grown man after all!! I will oversee all the bill payments from now on.

I think it will be a bit of a bumpy road for a while. But life is like a box of chocolates!