I am so angry... help me to stop being a mug.

[StuckinarutWanttogetout]

I am angry.
My DP of 10 years moved out a couple of weeks ago and we have two small children together. I wanted him to move out and have done for a while due to the pressure I am under when with him. When he lived here, he never helped with anything and I mean anything. No housework, the kids.. everything was left to me from tidying up to bringing the money in. I have always worked full time apart from when I have been on mat leave. We have mortgage arrears because the mortgage was not being paid during my mat leave because my money had reduced and he was not working. Basically I have supported us all on my single salary since 2008. I am responsible for everything he takes responsibility for nothing.
All he does is smoke weed all day long and sits on his iphone (sorry my iphone as it is a contract in my name and I pay the bill but he insists that it is his.. I don't have a phone) playing games and then says ''well tell me what to do and I?ll do it''. WTF we should be working as a team not on my own.
I told him I feel like a single mum and if that is how he is going to be then I would rather be a single mum as it won't make any difference as I will still be taking care of the kids, doing all the house work, taking care of all money worries.
Sorry a bit of a rant there but back o the point. So he moved out and it was extremely difficult to get him to do that but he still comes to my house everyday and spends all day here. Expects to have sex and then goes on his merry way.
My problem is that he spends money like there is no tomorrow and this is my money he is spending. He is constantly buying cigarettes (I don't smoke) and weed. We have a joint account and I checked it this morning. He has withdrawn £190.00 in the last 6 days. None of this has gone on shopping as I do the food shopping and always pay with the card not cash. So I am extremely angry. I am paying for everything and supporting a toddler and baby whilst on mat leave and he can go and spend this sort of money on shit!!! I want him to stand on his own two feet and be able to budget properly on his own; I get nothing for the kids from him... I am fuming, please someone help me with some advice I am stuck in a rut.

[Alibabaandthe40nappies]

Stop shagging him

Cancel his phone

Close your joint account

Change the locks

Stop shagging him

[Selim]

Change the locks, close the account, open new account in your name, talk to mortgage provider about reducing payments whilst you are on mat leave, cancel phone contract or if you are tied in report phone as stolen, stop shagging him.

[Selim]

Great minds

[FromEsme]

Get rid of him. He sounds horrendous, what on earth is he bringing to your life?

[chezziejo]

Try Cab and maybe a solicitor. Someone who knows will be along shortly I'm sure but get advice ASAP and stop shagging him.

[SolidGoldYESBROKEMYSPACEBAR]

Change the locks. If he makes a fuss, call the police to remove him. And cut all contact with him; he is unlikely to take you to court for access to the DC even if he threatens to do so.

[Alibabaandthe40nappies]

[DragonMamma]

Cocklodger.

What advice do you need? You know he's a leech and you need to get rid of him.

You'd be better off financially and emotionally - being a single parent is hard but having a partner who does zilch except add to your load is worse.

And fgs, cancel his bloody iPhone contract or take it for yourself.

People like him don't change, why would they? There's no incentive when you let him get away with murder.

[Catsmamma]

so now he doesn't even live with you, but is still appearing for sex, has more time to spend on his own and empty your bank account and spend YOUR money.


How is this a change for the better??

[DragonMamma]

I missed the bit where he'd moved out.

Take the phone off him, cut his card up and change the locks.Simple.

I really don't see why you haven't done it sooner.

[dequoisagitil]

Stop letting him in the house. Why are you letting him in the house?

[manicbmc]

Don't change the locks if his name is on the mortgage - it's against the law.

You can deny him access to the home. Close the joint account or, if that is not possible, open a new account in your name and transfer all the direct debits and such like to that one and only put money in the new one.

If you get tax credits, call them and sort out a claim as a single person.

He is not going to change. Get some advice from the CAB and good luck.

[dequoisagitil]

Open your own account and stop having any money paid into the joint (your wage, tax credits everything), change direct debits etc, talk to the bank and get yourself taken off the joint account, have it frozen in the meantime.

[ShamyFarrahCooper]

Good grief OP do not stand for this! You owe him nothing. Cancel his card for the joint account or move the money out and quick before he leaves you with nothing.
he brings nothing but hassle and grief to you, you get nothing out. He's 'moved out' yet he comes round, eats your food and expects to have sex then goes away until the next day?

Please please follow the advice you have been given!

[StuckinarutWanttogetout]

From when he has moved out I made the mistake once to sleep with him but I will not be doing this again. How do I cut him out my life without this affecting my children? They are used to seeing him everyday, if he suddenly stops coming round they will notice. My 3 yr old already asks every morning when she gets up 'where is daddy'?

[DonkeysDontRideBicycles]

He has got by sponging off for you for years, now you've kicked him out he still gets his jollies and he doesn't have to change a thing because his life's the same just not sleeping under your roof!

Do what everyone else said upthread, regarding access to your house, your money, your body - don't deny him contact with the children (unless he is so addled he poses a danger to them) just not in your home.

[PatriciaHolm]

Cut him off.

Close the joint account. Don't give him any money. Don't let him in the house. He is NEVER going to spontaneously "stand on his own two feet" as you are providing everything he wants on a plate!

Cut him off, and stop having sex with him. Today.

[PatriciaHolm]

Organise set times he can come and see the children (preferably take them out). Once he is settled elsewhere he can have overnight access, etc.

But that's a minor point; financially, cut him off today!

[StuckinarutWanttogetout]

Thank you for your replies
Ok so I have already said that I had sex with him once since he moved out and this won't be happening again. The only reason this happened was because he was pressurising me.
I just feel so stuck in a rut because I have spent 10 years of my life with him. I have no friends as I devoted all my time to him before the children came along. I am not close with my family so feel that I would be completely on my own. I suppose I always have mumsnet.

[AThingInYourLife]

Better to be completely on your own than with this lazy, abusive fuckwit.

[ShamyFarrahCooper]

Absolutely and we're here cheering you. Your life does not have to be like this! And it's all very well about him seeing the children, but if all he does is smoke weed and play on his iPhone, how much of a dad is he actually being?

[Selim]

He doesn't have to have unfettered access to your money and phone in order to maintain a relationship with his children. They are separate issues.

[StuckinarutWanttogetout]

ok, so I am going to tell him that if he wants to keep the phone then he pays the bill from now on and he needs to sort out his own money as i can't support him anymore

[ShamyFarrahCooper]

Before that, you need to move money out of the joint account. If he gets wind of being cut off he will clear you out fast. Do not be under any illusions he won't.
If you have another account, transfer money there or ask if you can move it to a friend/family account until you can sort yourself out a new one.

You can also call up the phone company and ask them to block outgoing calls so he can't rack up a huge bill. Try and get both joint account cards cancelled if you can.

[FromEsme]

OP, I can see why it's hard for you to end this. Like you, I don't have many friends and I don't get on with my family. There are times when I think about leaving my partner (although our situation is not like yours, more just that we don't always get on too well) but I think, well, I'd be alone in the world with no-one. So I do know how hard it can be to leave.

But this just sounds awful. Your self-esteem must be plummeting with this waster. And your children are growing up with a horrible idea of what a father and partner is like.