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Friend speaks to me like dirt but speaks to others nicely

(153 Posts)
Galaxycounters Sun 11-Nov-12 18:56:09

Hi, I've namechanged for this as my friend could possibly work out from my other posts on MN who I am.

I have been best friends with my best friend since we were about 12. All through school our friendship was based very much on her being the leader, and me being the underdog. She decided everything and bossed me around a lot. I took this as I didn't have much confidence at school. She is very much the type of person who is fine as long as absolutely everything is going her way. Should anyone upset the apple cart then she effectively bullies that person. I have seen her do it many a time to others, and I learnt at school to just toe the line and please her as I learnt to my cost once that if I didn't do as she said I would end up with everyone being turned against me and having a thoroughly miserable time until she decided to 'forgive' me. At the same time she would have people to whom she was very respectful and whom she wouldn't dare cross, and she would be nice as pie to them.

Fast forward twenty years and we are still in touch, more out of habit than anything really. We have a big circle of mutual friends, some of whom were from our schooldays, and other friends we've met in the meantime. I socialise a lot with many of these mutual friends. Not so much with so-called BF but I do socialise in a group with her at times. She arranges a lot of nights out but again it all has to suit her or she throws her toys out of her pram.

One thing I've noticed however is she speaks to me very disrespectfully all the time. She is quite an abrupt person and very bossy, and a lot of people do take this, but I've noticed the way she speaks to me is even more disrespectful than her bossy tone, it's very condescending and downright rude. Few examples; it was my birthday in the summer. She wrote 'HB' on my FB wall as my birthday message. Yet on mutual friends walls for their birthdays she is very gushing 'Happy Birthday Sweetie, have a super day, enjoy' etc etc. She also does FB events pages if she organises a night out and if I say anything on them I get a very snappy reply or if I can't go she just writes 'shame' whilst on other mutual friends replies if they can't go she is all 'never mind my darling, see you soon'. When we meet up she is very snappy with me. Everyone else gets gushing treatment yet I often get snapped at and spoken to like something she's scraped off her shoe. Yet she keeps contacting me and inviting me to things, and texts me etc, but doesn't seem to like me? I think she is a complex character with lots of jealousy issues and one mutual friend has suggested she might be jealous of me. And at other times she makes jokes about me that everyone else thinks are funny but I know she's doing it as a put down. Also all her comments on my FB are rude or derogatory. I put one on of one of my DDs the other week and her comment 'God she looks like YOU. Poor child'.

Anyway, I really don't feel I can tackle her on her behaviour as I know what she is like, she will whinge and bitch and turn all mutual friends against me, and I will be totally left out of the social circle. I don't make any attempt to contact her and keep contact with her on nights out very brief, but I can't cut off from her altogether as she will again turn on me and make my life difficult.

I really don't know what to do; do I pull back from the nights out and focus on other friends that aren't mutual friends with her, of which I have quite a few. Or do I stand up to her? Ignore her? I'm not keen on confrontation. And everyone else seems to think she's wonderful. Help!

scottishmummy Sun 11-Nov-12 21:23:33

god save us.next someone will recommend did you mean to be so rude
op has been imposed upon for years how is she suddenly going to be whateva sista
she needs to behave within her safe range,not some shrill shouter.

Groovee Sun 11-Nov-12 21:26:59

The other option is to walk away and possibly end up back as a teen feeling like absolute shit. I've been there sadly. I wish I had stood up to the little cow.

scottishmummy Sun 11-Nov-12 21:29:36

you won't write pee, and I'm suppose to know p155=piss?
every time she take the pee, I literally read as you meant when she passes urine?
clearly not.I did wonder why op would be with her pal each time pal passed urine....

Milvesrus Sun 11-Nov-12 21:30:45

My aunt had a friend from child hood who did all of this for decades. In her 50s my aunt decided she'd had enough. She wrote her a frank letter, didn't receive a reply and never spoke to her again. She's not regretted it a bit.

scottishmummy Sun 11-Nov-12 21:34:27

I'm v confused by all this piss,pee,pi55

Galaxycounters Sun 11-Nov-12 21:39:39

I've just had a brief chat about this with DH. I have decided that I don't want to go the confrontation route as it just isn't me and I know I'll end up getting more upset. Instead I'm going to just not bother with her again as lots of you have suggested. I have come to the conclusion that although I like the others in the social group, I can manage without them in my life. And I just can't face putting myself through any meet ups with ex friend there. I'm feeling low at the moment as it is and it seems pointless to put myself through it doesn't it?

Plomino Sun 11-Nov-12 21:43:25

What a bitch .

Having a pop back , does not make you as bad as her, it just makes you someone who is thoroughly fed up of being systematically put down by a thoroughly nasty cow .

However , I also agree that it is incredibly hard to suddenly have a personality change , and be able to put her in her place with witty remarks , particularly if she has the influence you believe she does .

Honestly ? If I were you. I'd take the path of least resistance, if you like . How much can you avoid her in RL? Do you actually have to have much contact face to face ? How much do you NEED to see her , or the social circle that she frequents ? Are they the ONLY circle of friends you have ? ( which I'm sure cannot be true in any case because you certainly appear to be confident enough to stay in touch with people she has fallen out with )

If you can get by without them , then do . Avoid avoid avoid . Block on FB , rename her on your phone , as Bitch from hell , or something equally derogatory ( if you need to keep her number at all ) and if she or any of the circle invite you to stuff, say No . Don't justify , because you don't have to . Just no , is sufficient . Having fewer, but much better quality REAL friends , has to be better than being constantly put down by some horrible cow , who for some deranged reason thinks that she can .

scottishmummy Sun 11-Nov-12 21:43:31

v sensible,act comfortably and naturally
no point in upsetting confrontation
good luck you'll feel liberated once you've moved on

VolumeOfACone Sun 11-Nov-12 21:50:01

You have nothing to gain from any further contact with this monstrous woman.
Don't reply, don't go, just get the poison out of your life. Really, you've got into a pattern, a routine, that there is no need to remain in.

VolumeOfACone Sun 11-Nov-12 21:51:51

Good decision. I am sure you'll feel better once she is out of your life.

olgaga Sun 11-Nov-12 22:01:34

Oh dear, have just caught up with this thread. Please OP don't spend any more time on this woman or this particular group of "friends". Just withdraw, stop contact with them on FB, cultivate your real friends.

Anyone who is amused - or even tolerant - of this person's treatment of you, is not a friends. You're well rid of the lot of them.

If anyone contacts you about why you haven't been around, prepare something like "I've been so incredibly busy...haven't had a moment to myself". Just stick with that.

Can I recommend this very good book to you? It's all about being assertive with your communications. It's invaluable - home, work, social life the works. Also it's a great confidence booster:

www.amazon.co.uk/Woman-Your-Own-Right-Assertiveness/dp/070437269X/ref=sr_1_2?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1352671170&sr=1-2

FreelanceMama Sun 11-Nov-12 22:03:57

Been thinking about your situation some more and reading your other posts in this thread. You sound so anxious about this relationship. I bet you spend hours upset or worried about this and doing a lot of 'what if?' thinking.

I think you know that you need to stop being around this woman but are afraid of having people think badly of you as a result (because of her bad mouthing you). It sounds v familiar!

It doesn't sound like giving as good as you get is your style. And while it feels cathartic to do it at the time, it might be nice to get out without going down to her level, so you can feel good about yourself.

How about you decide that you have had enough of this bad behaviour and ignore her. Ignore her FB comments, if you see her in real life walk away when she misbehaves, politely decline any invitations to meet up. And if you're challenged on it, by her, then tell her "I just want to spend time with people who like me - and you don't seem to like me very much" and if challenged, by anyone else, the response is, "she's not been nice to me for a long time, not sure why but I'd rather hang out with people who like me".

If people think badly of you when you're being assertive, that doesn't mean you are bad. Be polite, be kind to yourself, and spend lots of time with nice people.

Galaxycounters Sun 11-Nov-12 22:27:04

I do spend ages thinking about it and worrying I have to admit. I need to get a grip. I think I will feel far better if I cut her out of my life. I think being in contact with her is affecting my self esteem and self worth as I feel on a downer about other things too when I am about to see her.

Thank you again guys for the support and advice on this thread.

stuffitunderthebed Sun 11-Nov-12 22:48:18

galaxy you will be just fine. Back away slowly from the friendship. She really really isn't worth your time or all this angst. You have done your utmost to sustain this 'friendship' and the woman absolutely does not deserve you. Just detach, ignore and move on. Best of luck to you.

onemorechoccybiccy Sun 11-Nov-12 23:06:11

Good grief, grow a spine!

You don't need to confront her. Decline her invitations as 'you are busy that night'. Block her on FB, take a step back and see everyone does. You might find that she's not as popular as you think.

In the meantime, I would be focusing my efforts on meeting new people and making friends.

Life is too short for this sort of 5hit!

DoodleAlley Sun 11-Nov-12 23:19:07

Don't know if it's been mentioned but if you do end up keeping in touch a lot of these Facebook comments would seem to be well responded to be that good old mumsnet classic did you mean to be so rude

scottishmummy Sun 11-Nov-12 23:24:08

no,no smart ass fake sassy comments.it's not naturally you
and did you mean to be so rude it's wanky
drop pal,no drama,no hoo haa.protect yourself

stuffitunderthebed Mon 12-Nov-12 00:51:21

Still agreeing with scottishmummy

Galaxycounters Mon 12-Nov-12 07:12:25

I think I'm going to be extremely careful about how I approach it and go for the most minimum fuss and least obvious options for it all as she is also the kind of person who will escalate it all into a big feud if I say anything, and will send loads of insulting texts, and just go on and on and on about it to mutual friends rather than moving on from it.

EugenesAxe Mon 12-Nov-12 07:44:44

A few posters have said things I strongly agree with... bisjo, MrsDV, scottishmummy.

Definitely no acerbic, sarcastic or aggressive commentary. Say no to the upcoming event and don't comment. Back out of anything she arranges and if necessary, that she's going to attend.

If the other friends in that group contact you because they miss you, organise a one to one meet up with them. Be honest but not nasty about why you have dropped back and say you know if you brought it up she would find a way of bad mouthing you.

Most people who bully are insecure; you are as others have said, her perfect punchbag. She insults you because she cannot ever envisage the worm turning, or has strategies if you do. These others whom she gushes over are probably people that she feels wouldn't give an inch if she tried to do battle with them, or who have influence over the group themselves. If she can turn the group against you with spiteful words it doesn't (sorry) sound as though the others feel as if they have much to lose in fighting her on it. The whole gang sound rotten.

If you are keen for a bit of retaliation then silence or 'Well you see, this is my point exactly' if she starts up with her vitriol, followed by 'No stop - I really don't care enough to hear you out' would probably torture her most. She would probably hate the loss of control.

ashesgirl Mon 12-Nov-12 09:46:43

God, what a cow.

Standing up for yourself is in no way being mean back.

fantagrape Mon 12-Nov-12 10:59:20

If she makes a bitchy remark again, laugh right in her face retort something...anything! So much the better if others hear. Just don't look all wounded, that's what matters.

Also, I'm not sure why you're stressing about declining an invitation on Facebook. You're not attending, so ignore her invitation.

Galaxycounters Mon 12-Nov-12 11:10:40

I think that's the problem, my fear/unease with the situation visibly shows when she does things like that to me. I need to chill the heck out.

ashesgirl Mon 12-Nov-12 13:08:52

Just withdraw from her - the beauty of this approach is that you don't actually have to do anything or confront her etc.

You are clearly a lovely person who cares about the effect of your behaviour (unlike your friend)

Galaxycounters Mon 12-Nov-12 14:08:05

From now on I'm having nothing more to do with her. I'm going to ignore texts and FB messages. I have a feeling she will after a while when she realises I'm ignoring her, throw her toys out of her pram and delete me from FB anyway. Then the bad mouthing will start.

I think I am probably best if I just move on from the whole group of friends. I was actually thinking that really if they sit around and put up with her crap and manner of speaking to people then really they're not much better than her anyway. I think, without a doubt, that they will all side with her if she starts bad mouthing me anyway, as she is definitely the alpha female of the group.

As someone has pointed out, I am stuck in an abusive cycle with this woman, and I think I need to break out of it otherwise it's going to continue affecting the way I feel about myself overall. I feel like my confidence is very low at the moment and I think it's this that is getting me down.

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