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Friend speaks to me like dirt but speaks to others nicely

(153 Posts)
Galaxycounters Sun 11-Nov-12 18:56:09

Hi, I've namechanged for this as my friend could possibly work out from my other posts on MN who I am.

I have been best friends with my best friend since we were about 12. All through school our friendship was based very much on her being the leader, and me being the underdog. She decided everything and bossed me around a lot. I took this as I didn't have much confidence at school. She is very much the type of person who is fine as long as absolutely everything is going her way. Should anyone upset the apple cart then she effectively bullies that person. I have seen her do it many a time to others, and I learnt at school to just toe the line and please her as I learnt to my cost once that if I didn't do as she said I would end up with everyone being turned against me and having a thoroughly miserable time until she decided to 'forgive' me. At the same time she would have people to whom she was very respectful and whom she wouldn't dare cross, and she would be nice as pie to them.

Fast forward twenty years and we are still in touch, more out of habit than anything really. We have a big circle of mutual friends, some of whom were from our schooldays, and other friends we've met in the meantime. I socialise a lot with many of these mutual friends. Not so much with so-called BF but I do socialise in a group with her at times. She arranges a lot of nights out but again it all has to suit her or she throws her toys out of her pram.

One thing I've noticed however is she speaks to me very disrespectfully all the time. She is quite an abrupt person and very bossy, and a lot of people do take this, but I've noticed the way she speaks to me is even more disrespectful than her bossy tone, it's very condescending and downright rude. Few examples; it was my birthday in the summer. She wrote 'HB' on my FB wall as my birthday message. Yet on mutual friends walls for their birthdays she is very gushing 'Happy Birthday Sweetie, have a super day, enjoy' etc etc. She also does FB events pages if she organises a night out and if I say anything on them I get a very snappy reply or if I can't go she just writes 'shame' whilst on other mutual friends replies if they can't go she is all 'never mind my darling, see you soon'. When we meet up she is very snappy with me. Everyone else gets gushing treatment yet I often get snapped at and spoken to like something she's scraped off her shoe. Yet she keeps contacting me and inviting me to things, and texts me etc, but doesn't seem to like me? I think she is a complex character with lots of jealousy issues and one mutual friend has suggested she might be jealous of me. And at other times she makes jokes about me that everyone else thinks are funny but I know she's doing it as a put down. Also all her comments on my FB are rude or derogatory. I put one on of one of my DDs the other week and her comment 'God she looks like YOU. Poor child'.

Anyway, I really don't feel I can tackle her on her behaviour as I know what she is like, she will whinge and bitch and turn all mutual friends against me, and I will be totally left out of the social circle. I don't make any attempt to contact her and keep contact with her on nights out very brief, but I can't cut off from her altogether as she will again turn on me and make my life difficult.

I really don't know what to do; do I pull back from the nights out and focus on other friends that aren't mutual friends with her, of which I have quite a few. Or do I stand up to her? Ignore her? I'm not keen on confrontation. And everyone else seems to think she's wonderful. Help!

Galaxycounters Sun 11-Nov-12 19:58:35

If I was to organise a night out minus her one of the others would invite her then I would get a doubly hard hard time on the night out itself. If I put a comment back to her on the FB photo comment she'll reply with something about me being oversensitive or make some dig about it was only a joke why are you getting so het up, chill out.

calypso2008 Sun 11-Nov-12 19:59:08

She sounds dreadful, you sound lovely.
Cull her.

scottishmummy Sun 11-Nov-12 19:59:10

look no fancy arse putdowns,it's not you and unlikely you'll carry it off
a simple can't attend night out unfortunately,got lots on,and don't return calls/txt/fb
you simply make up a reason for not contacting her,and cease contact.

MarshaBrady Sun 11-Nov-12 20:01:39

Don't bother with it anymore. Don't do the put down thing just stop contact and drift away.

janelikesjam Sun 11-Nov-12 20:02:39

"I put one on of one of my DDs the other week and her comment 'God she looks like YOU. Poor child'".

This alone would make me drop a friend. She sounds awful.

How to do it? It is not always straightforward or easy, especially if you are in a circle of friends. There is the slow freeze-outjust minimising personal interactions - they eventually get the message but it can be awkward. Or you can be straightforward but diplomatic - you need to distance your friendship for a while as you haven't been happy with the way things have been between you. I agree if someone is nasty and manipulative, it is in your interests to find a way to do it that protects yourself and gives you the least stress.

If you are unsure how to do it still, just begin a phase out, only speaking when you have to. If she is in a group of friends and they humour her unpleasantness, doesn't say the best about them either - so maybe find some new friends while you're at it smile

scottishmummy Sun 11-Nov-12 20:03:31

given op is imposed upon by bullying pal it's pointless recommending sassy you is dis and dat you moonfaced boot
she's never spoken to her pal like that before,and unlikely op suddenly going to assert self in potty mouth rant.this is more about some if you than op

howlingcow Sun 11-Nov-12 20:05:19

There's a brilliant book called 'Feel the Fear and do it anyway' (Susan Jeffers) You can get it on Amazon. Perfect for this situation-it will help you to go out of your comfort zone-it certainly helped me (never been into self-help books before). You need to truly feel that you are her equal (superior by the true sound of it!)-as you give the impression of feeling inferior to her. I've recommended this book to several friends in various situations like yours and one of them is now a headteacher and keeps it on her desk at all times!! Good luck with this!!

EvenBetter Sun 11-Nov-12 20:08:01

Go with RaspberrySchnapps sentence.

I endured a 'best friends' with a scumbag like this but shook her off when I was a teenager. Have seen her a couple of times since and shake and feel like 13 again when I saw her stupid face. I would take delight in having the opportunity to tell her how vile she is.

Who are you worried about judging you for being as bad as her??!
The group of people would totally be aware of what a loser she is, and they aren't on the moral highground themselves if they provide her with an audience.

Delete her on Facebook, next time she verbally abuses you tell her to keep her pathetically shit, depressing excuse of a life away from you and find discount another victim, she can go fuck herself and continue her dreary existence with you blissfully free and gaining confidence.

The whole thing should have been sorted 2 decades ago, revert to sweary teenage insults etc since that's how she communicates and stop allowing yourself to betrayed like this, it's completely avoidable.

Yika Sun 11-Nov-12 20:08:47

I wonder if she doesn't think that it's such a long-standing, established friendship that it's 'safe' to treat you this way - you've never stood up to her and you never will, so she can use you as her fall guy. Basically, she's overfamiliar with you. (she sounds like a plain old bully but I'm trying to give her the benefit of the doubt here.)

Some great ideas up thread. I'm not sure that a public forum like Facebook is the place to start to fight back if you're not used to it. I would tell her politely in private that the way she treats you is not acceptable and then only respond to her messages or invitations if they are respectful. If there's no change I'd gradually drop her. If your other friends follow her lead they are too shallow to bother with. Getting more assertive would only increase your standing in a good friend's eyes.

EvenBetter Sun 11-Nov-12 20:08:53

be treated not 'betrayed'!

plutocrap Sun 11-Nov-12 20:12:45

If you pull her up "publicly" (on FB) about that remark about your child, and she tells you to "chill out" or attacks you in some other way, she's going to look like a real shit, especislly if you follow ut up with a good public rant about saying such mean things about a chilf snf a supposed "friend". Although that may rally some people to "her side" out of fear that she will do the same to them, she may also alienate others, and just one challenge to her bitchiness makes her look less invulnerable. Two public challenges, and other people might start. feeling a bit braver.

It doesn't sound as though you're angry enough, though...

suburbophobe Sun 11-Nov-12 20:20:18

Not all friendships are forever.

If (I) you find a friend from way back who is starting to be less than you want - i.e. a 1-way street - from a friend, it's time to step back.

Some people will be your friend so you can be there for their drama. They're never there for you when you need a friend.

The sooner you get wise to it and pull back, the more you can get (clear) on with what you want in life.

ivykaty44 Sun 11-Nov-12 20:21:19

The comment on the photograph of your dd was unkind, and it certainly will be seen by other people on fb and I would wonder if I saw a comment like this

why is that person being so unkind
why is the other person putting up with such nasty treatment from this person

It would also make me very wary of unkind person

I would back away slowly, if you feel that this is your group of friends and you don't want to lose them then possibly that is all you do descreatly back away.

If you feel that you can say something to her then do so, if not keep her at bargepole distance from you and be wary of time spent in her company maybe negative.

CindySherman Sun 11-Nov-12 20:23:15

I think she will inside be totally gutted if you do drop her ( which you really must. The comment about yr DD would have me reeling tbh) as you are her punch bag and she will really, really miss that after so long.
No fancy put downs just flat out drop her and hold off from the meet- ups, you will feel like a weight has been lifted and she will feel the strain I promise you.

Agree, just drift off and don't engage. "Sorry I can't..", be slow to reply. And maybe ask one or two of your fav of the good friends for coffee etc and don't mention anything bout the issue. Head held high, and confrontation free. Its worked for me!

difficultpickle Sun 11-Nov-12 20:24:39

I wouldn't stoop to her level by replying in kind as when you ditch her it will give her ammunition for maligning you to your mutual friends. If you continue to be polite then the others will eventually see what she is like. Rest assured once you are out of her life she will have to use on of your other mutual firiends as a punch bag. You may find that that friend stands up to her and she is seen for the horror she really is.

difficultpickle Sun 11-Nov-12 20:26:27

You can block people commenting on your fb timeline without them knowing. I have some fb friends whose lives I'm not remotely interested in but would notice if I defriended them. I just ensure that I don't have to read the stuff they post.

conantg Sun 11-Nov-12 20:29:48

I can see why you don't want to tackle her. She is a vile bully and you are a good person. You are also her punchbag. You need to withdraw yourself from that role, but you understandably don't relish the thought of confrontation. So do it without confrontation. Regarding the event in two week's time just reply on FB, sorry, can't make it, have another commitment. If she challenges that, IGNORE. If she says anything else about you on FB, IGNORE AND BLOCK HER She will soon find another punchbag.
And if any of that particular group ask you why you have dropped her, say you are tired of being her punchbag and you do not want to discuss it further. And don't. Stick to your guns. Ignore, block, do not engage.

stuffitunderthebed Sun 11-Nov-12 20:35:59

scottishmummy has the right idea - you can't change overnight into somebody forceful and put her in her place. The so-called 'friend' knows this and that's why she does it. Drift away, without drama. State you're busy on the FB event page. When she posts a cutting comment, come back here and tell us what it is. We will help you to respond in a dignified way. Life is too short to saddle yourself with people who put you down in order to make themselves look better.

scottishmummy Sun 11-Nov-12 20:36:37

ignore all the sassy tell her how it is,or what a caaaaw she is
no.keep yourself safe, just drop her.no drama.no confrontation just drop her
she matter various tactics to contact you,who can support you?dp?good luck

MrsDeVere Sun 11-Nov-12 20:48:19

I agree with keeping this simple.
It is a hell of a lot to ask someone to turn into a head wobbling street queen and start dishing the disses.

Why comment on the FB event page at all? There is no law to say you have to.

Dont go. Dont make excuses, you are a grown up and you can do what you want.

I am not convinced that she manages to manipulate all these adult women into laughing at you and think its all your fault. If they have anything about them they probably think she is a bitch and wonder why the hell you put up with it.

It sounds as if you are waiting or someone to jump in and save you, stand up for you and tell her to pack it in. This doesn't really happen and tbh they probably think you are fine with it because you don't bite back.

That doesn't make it your fault btw. But you are the one who is going to have to put a stop to it. She isn't going to change because she has no reason to.

Drop her. Drop her and walk away. Then block her, defriend her or whatever on FB.

You will feel so much better, promise.

Groovee Sun 11-Nov-12 20:57:47

Every time she takes the pee, tell her like a broken record "do you know how rude that sounds?"

I know a mum at school like this, I tend to steer clear of her.

scottishmummy Sun 11-Nov-12 21:12:03

is that post intended for this thread
commenting on peeing will stop bullying
well it's unique I give you that

stuffitunderthebed Sun 11-Nov-12 21:18:19

Think groovee meant taking the Pee one double five? P155?

Groovee Sun 11-Nov-12 21:21:40

I hate pi55 so I use Pee, what's wrong with that. Did you mean to sound so rude Scottishmummy wink

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