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Friend speaks to me like dirt but speaks to others nicely

(153 Posts)
Galaxycounters Sun 11-Nov-12 18:56:09

Hi, I've namechanged for this as my friend could possibly work out from my other posts on MN who I am.

I have been best friends with my best friend since we were about 12. All through school our friendship was based very much on her being the leader, and me being the underdog. She decided everything and bossed me around a lot. I took this as I didn't have much confidence at school. She is very much the type of person who is fine as long as absolutely everything is going her way. Should anyone upset the apple cart then she effectively bullies that person. I have seen her do it many a time to others, and I learnt at school to just toe the line and please her as I learnt to my cost once that if I didn't do as she said I would end up with everyone being turned against me and having a thoroughly miserable time until she decided to 'forgive' me. At the same time she would have people to whom she was very respectful and whom she wouldn't dare cross, and she would be nice as pie to them.

Fast forward twenty years and we are still in touch, more out of habit than anything really. We have a big circle of mutual friends, some of whom were from our schooldays, and other friends we've met in the meantime. I socialise a lot with many of these mutual friends. Not so much with so-called BF but I do socialise in a group with her at times. She arranges a lot of nights out but again it all has to suit her or she throws her toys out of her pram.

One thing I've noticed however is she speaks to me very disrespectfully all the time. She is quite an abrupt person and very bossy, and a lot of people do take this, but I've noticed the way she speaks to me is even more disrespectful than her bossy tone, it's very condescending and downright rude. Few examples; it was my birthday in the summer. She wrote 'HB' on my FB wall as my birthday message. Yet on mutual friends walls for their birthdays she is very gushing 'Happy Birthday Sweetie, have a super day, enjoy' etc etc. She also does FB events pages if she organises a night out and if I say anything on them I get a very snappy reply or if I can't go she just writes 'shame' whilst on other mutual friends replies if they can't go she is all 'never mind my darling, see you soon'. When we meet up she is very snappy with me. Everyone else gets gushing treatment yet I often get snapped at and spoken to like something she's scraped off her shoe. Yet she keeps contacting me and inviting me to things, and texts me etc, but doesn't seem to like me? I think she is a complex character with lots of jealousy issues and one mutual friend has suggested she might be jealous of me. And at other times she makes jokes about me that everyone else thinks are funny but I know she's doing it as a put down. Also all her comments on my FB are rude or derogatory. I put one on of one of my DDs the other week and her comment 'God she looks like YOU. Poor child'.

Anyway, I really don't feel I can tackle her on her behaviour as I know what she is like, she will whinge and bitch and turn all mutual friends against me, and I will be totally left out of the social circle. I don't make any attempt to contact her and keep contact with her on nights out very brief, but I can't cut off from her altogether as she will again turn on me and make my life difficult.

I really don't know what to do; do I pull back from the nights out and focus on other friends that aren't mutual friends with her, of which I have quite a few. Or do I stand up to her? Ignore her? I'm not keen on confrontation. And everyone else seems to think she's wonderful. Help!

Kundry Sun 11-Nov-12 19:28:21

Your 'friendship' with this awful woman seems to be stuck at age 12. Luckily most of us got to grow out of these, move away, lose touch or whatever. Unfortunately she (and her circle of friends) don't appear to have moved out of the playground.

However you have - and you have lovely new friends who have as well. Most of us don't have masses and masses of friends, just 2 or 3 who are real true friends.

Quietly block her from facebook and leave her and her arrested development behind.

PopMusicShoobyDoobyDoA Sun 11-Nov-12 19:28:25

Ugh. I don't understand why she's still in your life especially as her behaviour has not changed since schooldays. Just get rid of the friendship on Facebook and RL. If your group of friends are so shallow that you will lose them too, then so be it. Or if they are your true friends invite them out to your house. Just give it up - it's almost like an abusive relationship dynamic you've got going on here. And it's not weak to just walk away from it, btw. And if you do walk away and your mutual friends go into overdrive about what she said about you or how she reacted, then you need to stop them. Personally, I would just cut them all out of my life and move on.

picnicbasketcase Sun 11-Nov-12 19:30:33

shock at your last post. I don't think I would be able to speak to someone who treated me like that, quite honestly. Do you get anything at all out of this friendship besides hurt feelings?

MiniTheMinx Sun 11-Nov-12 19:32:24

She only behaves like it because she is allowed to. You have as much as said that. Can you not just find some witty one liners to put her back in her box. Most women like this can be managed as long as you do it in front of the others, make sure your response is measured and witty. If you can get the others to laugh and you ensure they witness first her attack and then your response, this woman will be made to feel very small. Play her at her own game.

Galaxycounters Sun 11-Nov-12 19:34:32

I've tried making a joke before back at her but she uses it against me to turn on me again and gets more and more agitated. I'll give her this, she is very very clever and very manipulative.

myBOYSareBONKERS Sun 11-Nov-12 19:37:23

Her negativity must be exhausting for you.

I have stopped seeing a couple of "friends" as I dreaded the build up to see them, didn't overly enjoy my time when out in case I said the "wrong thing" and then over analysed the evening once it was over.

Once I made the decision to stop seeing those particular individuals I felt immense relief. I do still see some of the group - more on a one to one basis or as a 3 - and it is so nice not to feel under pressure and just to enjoy their company

Wow take back the control on the basis you don't need her.

Re her facebook comment on your daughters looks it,s not too late to comment "Wow just seen your comment-did you mean to be so rude" And when she calls you on this in RL tell her that her behavior is unacceptable and you will no longer be tolerating it.

If you then find the friendship fails I would take the stance that this would be a bonus smile

Galaxycounters Sun 11-Nov-12 19:39:27

Won't I look as bad as her though if I answer back? A thread on MN fairly recently was about something similar and a few people said there is no point answering back those types of people as it just makes you look worse than them as you look oversensitive

MrsDeVere Sun 11-Nov-12 19:39:38

She wants to keep you as a friend because you are her punchbag,
She would probably like to be rude to everyone but knows she can't so she does it to you because she can

You are in a rut. You are so used to this, it has become normal and you cannot imagine life without this 'friendship'

Walk away. How bad can it be without this nasty piece in your life?

MiniTheMinx Sun 11-Nov-12 19:40:56

The face book comment about your daughter would have been better countered with
"well it could have been worse, she could have had you for a mother"

kinkyfuckery Sun 11-Nov-12 19:42:12

Her behaviour isn't so 'clever and manipulative' as you are enabling it.

Galaxycounters Sun 11-Nov-12 19:42:56

It's clever and manipulative the way she manages to get everyone else onside and it's clever and manipulative the way she tries to turn it back round onto me.

Galaxycounters Sun 11-Nov-12 19:43:15

And I know I'm enabling it and I feel totally shit about myself for enabling it sad

scottishmummy Argentina Sun 11-Nov-12 19:43:45

yes but you both mutually enact roles.she top dog because you let her
she gets away with sarky stuff because she can. what are you going to do
instead of focussing on her focus on yourself.you don't need to be tolerating this

RaspberrySchnapps Sun 11-Nov-12 19:44:09

life is too short. ditch the bitch.

agree with other posters, your 'friendship' is stuck in a teenage loop. She behaves that way towards you because you have always let her but showing you up infront of a group of women in that way is no kind of a friendship. You don't need her in your life, next time she does it, in front of the entire group of friends stand up and say 'do you know what, I'm really bored and sick of the way you talk down at me. why don't you grow up and fuck off' and walk away head high.

Galaxycounters Sun 11-Nov-12 19:45:09

But will I look as bad as her and look oversensitive if I reply back to her?

HecatePropylaea Sun 11-Nov-12 19:45:30

She is not your friend.

She is bullying you.

Drop out of her life.

MiniTheMinx Sun 11-Nov-12 19:46:59

The chances are that once you break the cycle and stand up to her she will no longer have a place for you in her life......or her venom will be directed towards someone else in the group. Either way you will at least have stood your ground. You can't change her but you can change the way you respond to her.

MarshaBrady Sun 11-Nov-12 19:48:07

There were a few 'best' friendships like this at school. One that bullied the other completely. The one friend that got all the crap and rudeness, whilst everyone else was well treated. It lasts no matter what age as it is so engrained.

I wouldn't bother replying, just don't have anything to do with her anymore.

scottishmummy Argentina Sun 11-Nov-12 19:48:53

really what's the handwringing?you're unhappy how she treats you.
what are you going to do, fret about manners and etiquette or assert self
you politely say face to face or text I'm bit busy hope don't mind if we don't see each other for while,best wshes galaxycounter

MooncupGoddess Sun 11-Nov-12 19:52:05

Ugh! Can you drift away quietly but try to keep one to one relationships with the friends from the group you do like? If they ask if something's up, just tell them you felt the dynamic between the two of you was unhealthy and you thought you'd step back for a while.

Galaxycounters Sun 11-Nov-12 19:54:28

She's organised a night out in 2 weeks' time and this sounds pathetic but I am actually dreading writing on the event page on FB that I can't (won't) go, for fear of what she's going to say. It's not healthy and this alone tells me that I shouldn't have anything further to do with her.

Marzipanface Sun 11-Nov-12 19:54:50

Fuck her! Why are you letting this happen? She is not your friend. She is a bully. You are a grown woman. Ditch her and this group of friends. You never know, there might be a mutiny amongst your mutual friends!

If I was you, I would just stop contacting her and arrange a night out with the other friends. Who made her the leader/queen?

Ignore and make/cultivate other friendships. Show her you don't need her anymore.

insprognito Sun 11-Nov-12 19:55:15

Agree with stayathome go back and comment as though you've just spotted it. I'd be livid if anyone spoke about my children like that. When she responds with her usual nasty comments put something like oh dear [cowbag] :-( frankly I find your infantile attempts to bully me amusing but think its only fair to say you're confusing me for someone who gives a shit :-) then ignore any further comments if possible. She sounds vile.

Marzipanface Sun 11-Nov-12 19:57:18

Raspberry had a good response

do you know what, I'm really bored and sick of the way you talk down at me. why don't you grow up and fuck off' and walk away head high.

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