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Best and worst ways to end a relationship?

(68 Posts)
Nonnus Thu 08-Nov-12 21:20:47

Just curious about other people's stories of best and worst ways to end things. My boyfriend of 3.5 years appears to have decided our relationship is over. We had a few cross words 3 weeks ago, and since then, nothing. I left it a few days then texted - nothing. Have rung a few times (withholding number) - no pick up.

For the past 3.5 years he has spent 3 nights a week in my home. My DCs love him. I haven't told them yet because they will be really upset and I can't face it while I still feel upset.

I find it amazing that a man of nearly 40 can behave in this way. Do other people have similar stories or am I just unlucky?

wonderingsoul Sun 11-Nov-12 09:24:38

nonnus.... i dont get where they get off . how very dare he and they and all the bastered men do this?

dont start thinking it is you. you didnt put these mental crazy ideas into their head on how to act! they are cowards.

have you got any rl friends who you can go to. maybe arrange a nigh tout, or better yet a night in with wine chocolate and just good old fashioned giggles.?

Nonnus Sun 11-Nov-12 09:30:09

I am going to my best friend's house for lunch today, just need to find the energy to get out of bed first and try and disguise the red eyes and puffy face make myself look presentable.

SarahBumBarer Sun 11-Nov-12 10:12:38

Hi Nonnus - it can't be you because so many other people have similar stories and it has happened several times to a number of people.

I hope you don't mind me saying that 10 days of silence between the two of you with you now pointing out to him that you were the one to finally make contact sounds very unhealthy. It was clearly a stand off in which neither one of you wanted to back down. It seems like you felt that you did back down in the end and now that things have gone wrong are turning that into a virtue and suggesting that you did make the effort by being the one to contact him. I'm honestly not criticising you and I do think that he has behaved like a tool but the dynamics of your relationship sound unhealthy and negative to me and I think you are well out of it.

With regard to his stuff, unless he has things belonging to you also that you want I would tell him that it will be left in a box open to the elements and dumped on your front doorstep at a time convenient to you when you do not have to see him and your DC do not have to see him. Taking back some control is the only thing that will make you feel even a little better for a little while. And good friends which I am glad to see you have.

Wanderingsoul stating the bleeding obvious but it is not just men who do this. My DH has a terrible story of arriving home early after working away for a few weeks to find his house empty and his gf just about to walk out the door. After sending him for a pint of milk so that they could talk over a coffee she then called the police and told him that he had threatened her and had a gun. He was pulled over by the police and since he did have a gun(rifle - legitimately) he spent the night in the police cells. Fortunately her brother managed to get him released, had her retract her story and provided a few explanations to the police regarding the effect of her upbringing on her way of dealing with life.

On the other side when I first met DH he had an ex GF who simply would not take "no" for an answer. In the end the only way to deal with her was to ignore her completely, change e-mail address etc and eventually have his mother contact her to let he know he had emigrated (not quite as cringey as it sounds but nearly and entirely truthful).

Nonnus Sun 11-Nov-12 10:56:08

SarahBB, the 10 days' silence was a first. Till then we have spoken almost every day. But when we had The Argument, he said some very nasty things to me, including that he did not want to be in this relationship. We had had one previous major argument a long time ago, after which I kept contacting him and as he was still angry, the argument kept continuing whenever I did. We have different styles - I like to resolve things quickly and clear the air, he doesn't. So after that he had told me that if he ever really lost his rag then rather than keep contacting him I should leave him to calm down. So this time that is what I thought I would do, especially as he had (to my mind) expressed serious reservations about the whole thing.

Last night he accused me of "ignoring" him for 10 days. I explained the above and then pointed out that it was silly to get angry about me not contacting him for 10 days when, when I had contacted him after that, he wouldn't take my calls. He wouldn't have it.

Autumnmumm Sun 11-Nov-12 14:13:01

He is a. Knob. You are well rid. Really. It's not what he is saying, it's what he is doing.

You will look back on this with amazement in a few years.

Nonnus Mon 12-Nov-12 11:36:47

Ok, so: start of a new week, and the start of my single life. I am trying to keep remembering that I will feel better about this soon, and just need to keep on going till then.

BUT I keep having that thing where I think of him and the things we were going to do together and having that "Oh, but we're not, now" moment. I feel so upset by how he has made the break up all about my failings as a partner. I miss him. I'm not looking forward to telling the DCs but will have to.

So my question is, what do I do to feel better, feel more positive about the fact that if it had to end, better now than later? How do you pick yourself up and look to a different future after a break up?

Autumnmumm Mon 12-Nov-12 14:14:48

You need to think about what you like doing, enjoy, what makes you happy? Then do it. Keep busy for. Few months. Plan to meet up with friends, see films etc. leave no room for doubt.

Tell your dc.
It wasn't you. It was him.
You will feel better once you plan your life for You.

Nonnus Tue 13-Nov-12 16:54:26

Thanks Autumnmum. I have a strong urge to text him. Maybe he is having second thoughts, etc. This is pathetic, I know. I miss him though.

Anskabel Tue 13-Nov-12 17:50:07

One ex (long distance relationship for 2.5 years) told me it was over literally 30 seconds before taxi came to pick him up from my house to take him to the train station. No time for me to respond...
I had too much pride to phone him - 5 days later he phoned me and asked what time I was coming down that weekend as if nothing had happened! I said I wasn't coming down - we needed some space to have a long hard think about whether we couldn't work or not and then a have a proper discussion about it. He promised he'd phone me in a week...
...one month later I'd heard nothing, so I finally phoned him. He acted completely shocked like of course we'd broken up, there was nothing more to say. He'd had a month to come to terms with it while I'd' been in limbo. Too much of a coward to give me closure because he couldn't stand the hassle of giving me a valid explanation or admitting the truth: he had it too easy living with his mummy and couldn't be bothered to relocate to live with me!

Autumnmumm Tue 13-Nov-12 21:30:04

Nonnus stay strong.

if he won't treat you well he is not worth another thought. Really.

suburbophobe Tue 13-Nov-12 21:40:19

The reason why I keep my relationships separate from my life with my DS. (as much as I can).

It's just not worth it.

DS is always nr. 1, if the man can't deal with it, says it all.

Joiyuk Wed 14-Nov-12 03:41:00

Wow, I thought my ExP was an a-hole! You ladies have seriously been with some prized w4nkers haha! My ExP was caught cheating on me by a 'friend'. I confronted him, he carried on playing his stupid Xbox game so I unplugged the damn thing and asked him again. Made out I was crazy. Two weeks passed, I was home visiting my mum and he calls to tell me he doesn't want to sort things out (I.e admit he was a cheating you know what) and that was it. I was physically sick. He then paraded his new gf round in front of me, and when I eventually became 'close friends with benefits' with another guy he had the audacity to challenge him in a bar! He is now married to one of the girls he cheated on me with. He took a few of my 'friends' for a test ride first though.....never get with a squaddie hey! Now happily married with a two year old. Life goes on. I was hurting for a long time after splitting with the a-hole, but he was just there to make me appreciate my DH I think grin you will get there, use your friends for support and keep yourself busy.

Lavenderhoney Fri 07-Dec-12 17:54:34

Nonnus, how horrible for you. Don't text or contact him though, because you need to have some pride that you don't deserve to be have been treated so badly. He has used the time to move on, which is very selfish. Have you got a nice gf who can drop over or chat on the phone? And leave your phone downstairs, on silent. Try not to have wine and text/ call him. Be your own best friend- twee, but it does work.

Re your dc, you can just say he treated you badly, and in relationships it's not acceptable to put up with that, so although it makes you sad, it's over and lets o out and have some fun. Can you look on it as a way to teach them about relationships and how to cope?

Oh, and get rid of his stuff. Bin liners, outside the door, if it's not gone by morning, straight to oxfam. Don't hang onto it.

What an arse. You are well rid, and if you have bought him a present, take it back and get yourself something fabulous.

WankbadgersBauble Fri 07-Dec-12 18:11:17

I was dumped over instant messenger. We were moving in together, planning to get married when he went to see his parents on the other side of the country, and while he was there im'ed me saying it was over, and he wasn't coming back angry

You're well rid. Cry as much as you need, and delete his number. You don't need it any more.

berksbabe Thu 03-Jan-13 16:07:56

I think you need togather your strength and confront him - in public or private, but away from your children. Sending you mental strength now....

My ex husband played with my mind for nearly a year saying he did nt feel right, etc etc but denying there was anyone else. Well as it turned out there was someone else - considerably younger, and he had taken her on a "clearing his head" trip to China too.

You are worth more than thi girl.

sparklyjumper Thu 03-Jan-13 16:41:20

I haven't read the entire thread yet so apologies if I've missed anything. I was going to say there isn't really any good way to end a relationship, if it isn't mutual there isn't much that can soften the blow for the other person. But I'm thinking in terms of when things have been bad for a while anyway so you're expecting it.

What he has done is horrendous and I'm really sorry for you. It seems really cowardly and I think I would want that conversation.

FlojoHoHoHo Thu 03-Jan-13 16:52:38

This was 2 months ago.

sparklyjumper Thu 03-Jan-13 17:05:00

Just read your updates. I'm really sorry, I certainly don't have any wise words but I really hope you're feeling better soon.

My current probably soon to be ex ended it once. He said he wanted to move in with me and we'd give it a trial after we came back off holiday. He appeared to have moved in, he didn't go home for two weeks. Then one morning I got up to find he'd taken all his things and left while I was still asleep. He wanted to get back together after a few days saying he couldn't live there as the travel to work was too much but he didn't know how to tell me. Fool that I am I took him back. He's also ended it by text many times, or often says he needs space which then turns into weeks, then often says he's made a mistake and can't live without me after all.

When I left my ex I took all of my stuff while he was at work and my family came and helped. I had no other option though as I was heavily pregnant and he could be violent. That wasn't a nice thing to do but I felt I had no choice as I'm sure if I'd gone while he was there I'd have had to leave with nothing and possibly put myself at risk.

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