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I lost my temper with DH

(66 Posts)
Autumn12 Wed 10-Oct-12 22:04:54

I have recently found out that my Dads cancer has returned and we are waiting on test results to find out whether it has spread. The results are due any day and I've told DH that I'm very nervous as we don't anticipate good news.

My dad has a family from an earlier relationship who hold resentment towards me for being in his life and refuse to acknowledge me. Earlier this evening DH took it upon himself to start giving me what he termed "friendly advice" over how I should handle these people going forward. It basically consisted of telling me that I need to be more forceful in confronting my dad over their behaviour, something which for several reasons I am unwilling to do. The conversation upset me and I made it clear to DH that I did not welcome what I perceived as his criticism of how I'm handling the situation and that I did not want to talk about it anymore. This was all said in a nice enough way and we both moved into another subject with no hard feelings.

Shortly after DH decided to start asking questions about a free event that I am getting him into via my line of work. With it being a free event and somewhat of a perk I have not been able to confirm when he will be able to go. It's narrowed down to 2 dates and I've always made it clear that I wouldn't know until the last minute when he could go. Other relatives of mine are also going and accept that they need to be on standby to go on either of the dates I have given. My DH has decided that he isn't happy to not know what is going on and would not stop going on at me about it. I've told him the situation many times but for some reason he seemed to expect me to give more concrete details. When I said several times that I was unable to confirm he started getting shirty about being left hanging etc. I've no idea why he is making an issue of this and I told him so. I also told him that with what I'm going through with
My dad I really don't care about this event and frankly I couldn't give a toss when people go. He took umbrage at this ( he seems to think he is doing me the favour by going ) and started having a bit of a go at me. To my dismay I began crying (all of this whilst walking home together) and ended up shouting at him that I wish it was him with cancer and not my dad.

I'm utterly ashamed at having said it and of course I don't mean it. But I'm very stressed by the situation and I really don't need my DH giving me shit over this bloody event, which incidentally I will not even be in the country for. I have since tried to apologise to my DH but he won't have it and will not speak to me.

Am I being unreasonable or is he bring an arse?

Catsdontcare Wed 10-Oct-12 22:08:20

He's being arse, you've made your apology now leave him to sulk and let him come to you with HIS apology.

DameFannyGallopsAtaGhost Wed 10-Oct-12 22:08:44

Oh dear.

Well, you know you shouldn't have said that, but you have apologised.

He shouldn't be sulking - but then he sounds a bit self-obsessed anyway.

What's he usually like?

And maybe you should get this one moved to relationships - I don't think aibu's going to do you any good.

Hope your father has good news soon

Autumn12 Wed 10-Oct-12 22:11:14

Thanks for the replies.
How do I get the thread moved?

DameFannyGallopsAtaGhost Wed 10-Oct-12 22:12:33

Report your post and ask nicely smile

AgentZigzag Wed 10-Oct-12 22:14:00

Ouch, that was an awful thing to say to your DH, and while it doesn't excuse it, both of you are under pressure.

He sounds like he really was trying to give you some friendly advice from where he's standing in the situation, he can see it's winding you up and was trying to help.

Could the way you took his advice have made him more prickly about pushing for a definite date for the event?

I'm sorry about your Dad and hope the results are the best they can be, this isn't the time to be getting sidetracked by the small stuff.

I would let him calm down and see how it works out, it's not something I would take easily if it were said to me, but if you're truly ashamed of what you've said you need to get that over to him and for him to see just how much you're struggling to cope at the minute <hug>

RobynRidingHood Wed 10-Oct-12 22:16:06

ended up shouting at him that I wish it was him with cancer and not my dad.

jesus - not a lot to be said about that . Words can never be taken back and he will never forget that.

MagicHouse Wed 10-Oct-12 22:23:12

He sounds like he was being a complete, insensitive pain. And you're obviously going though a really hard time. (Which I do understand as I went through it myself) But that was a really nasty thing to say to him :-$ Difficult to take that one back, really.

Do you think your marriage is in big trouble? (already I mean - not just because of your comment.) Maybe you need Relate or something so you can decide whether or not you want to be together.

Autumn12 Wed 10-Oct-12 22:24:05

I'm not getting wound up by the situation though. It's been going on for a lot longer than I've known DH and I accepted it a long time ago. I'm not really sure why DH brought it up or why he felt the need to tell me I should handle the situation differently. It's for my dad to handle and I've chosen not to put pressure on him over it. Now certainly isn't the time for it and DH seemed to accept that when we talked.
I'm not proud of what I said and I'm not really sure why I said it. I think I just snapped because I was in tears for the 2nd time this evening and my DH just wouldn't drop the conversation.
I am very sorry but at the same time I'm not sure why he felt the need to keep having a go at his crying wife about an event over which he knows I have no control.

McHappyPants2012 Wed 10-Oct-12 22:25:01

We all say things we really don't mean, you sound very stressed out.

I am not good with words, but I hope the cancer is not as bad as you imagine and can be treated.

Your DH sounds childish, he needs to support you more than ever

AgentZigzag Wed 10-Oct-12 22:29:06

'I think I just snapped because I was in tears for the 2nd time this evening and my DH just wouldn't drop the conversation. '

You said to to make him shut up.

And it's certainly done that.

Thinking of how your arguments usually play out, what do you anticipate to be the next move?

Is what you said something you think you can get past? Do you normally say such hurtful things to each other?

Autumn12 Wed 10-Oct-12 22:31:30

No I wouldn't say our marriage is in trouble in general. We are currently in the middle of buying our first home which is fairly stressful. We haven't really been stressed with each other over it though. If anything it's made us pull together more.
Obviously for me I'm not getting quite as stressed over the house situation as my dads health is more of a concern.
DH has been quite snappy with me the past few days though. We had a silly argument yesterday over who should prepare dinner. I had basically bought and prepared dinner for the past 2 nights. Yesterday I prepared everything and put it in the oven. DH popped to the pub before coming home. When he got in I was exercising and asked him to check the dinner for me. He got annoyed and complained about it which I felt was unfair. So we did have a bit of a falling out but other than that things are fine.

Autumn12 Wed 10-Oct-12 22:34:18

No I wouldn't say our marriage is in trouble in general. We are currently in the middle of buying our first home which is fairly stressful. We haven't really been stressed with each other over it though. If anything it's made us pull together more.
Obviously for me I'm not getting quite as stressed over the house situation as my dads health is more of a concern.
DH has been quite snappy with me the past few days though. We had a silly argument yesterday over who should prepare dinner. I had basically bought and prepared dinner for the past 2 nights. Yesterday I prepared everything and put it in the oven. DH popped to the pub before coming home. When he got in I was exercising and asked him to check the dinner for me. He got annoyed and complained about it which I felt was unfair. So we did have a bit of a falling out but other than that things are fine.

NathanDetroit Wed 10-Oct-12 22:59:11

Some people just can't cope when things are going wrong and they don't know what to do. Sounds like your DH has something in common with mine DP. I was in hospital in January this year after having an ERPC for a molar pregnancy. He chose a moment the next day, while we were still in hospital (it should be day surgery) waiting to find out why I had tachycardia & raised temperature after the operation, to start hassling me about his lack of money and the fact he'd not been able to buy clothes for a year. All of which was complete shite as he earns double what I do and went out and bought himself a £400 tablet two days later!

It's completely unhelpful and unsupportive. I tried to talk to my DP about it at the time but I was the one being unreasonable. With the time that's passed, I repeat back some of things that he said and he says he can't believe it's him.

It's difficult, but if you can find a time when you are both relatively chilled and happy, just say to him that right now you really need him to be on your side, to step up for you and just be there for you. That means thinking really hard about the potential impact of his words on you before he opens his mouth and doing whatever he can to make your life a bit easier, while other things are making it really difficult. Whether he'll actually "hear" that or not is another matter.

I'm really sorry to say this because you sound very upset but when my MIL had cancer, had my DH shouted that he wished it was me... I don't think I could have forgiven him. I know that sounds harsh but it was a terrible thing for you to say. I think you need to think about why you said it and work out what is going on.

mutny Wed 10-Oct-12 23:41:04

I am sorry for the stress you are under.

But really, you have some work to do. I could never forget of dh had said that to me. It would change everything.

Hr sounds like he was being a cock, but still. That's an awful thing to say.

Trying to imagine what would be said if a
Woman said 'i was trying to pin some info down with dh today, he said I was annoying him and he wished I was dying instead of his mum.'. I think you would get told you were emtionally abusive.

AgentZigzag Wed 10-Oct-12 23:45:53

It's difficult to talk about because I don't want to make you feel worse, but there are scales of hurtful things you say when angry with 'I've always hated your cooking', 'you need to lose some weight' etc at one end, and wishing cancer on someone you love at the worst of the worst end, regardless of what they've done.

If you can't put it down to the stress you were under (as you said it's been going on for a while with your dad) and neither of you are that fussed about going to the event, MrsT is right, you need to work out why you chose to snap in a way that'd hurt him so badly.

Autumn12 Thu 11-Oct-12 00:08:22

Thanks to everyone for the replies.

Just to clarify a few things the situation that DH was trying to give me advice on has been going on for years. It's not something that is bothering me and I'm not sure why DH brought it up. The cancer relapse is something we have only recently found out about and is something that DH knows I am very worried about. I burst into tears the first time while trying to get him to stop offering me what he termed "friendly advice" because he wouldn't drop it despite me asking him to several times.

The event I was referring to is something that he very much wants to attend. I am unable to attend due to being out of the country. My being able to get him into said event is a major perk. It's always been clear that it would be a last minute thing and he has until now been ok with that. However it turns out he is hoping to take a friend of his along hence why he is trying to pin me down. It's not something I am in control of and hi being able to take a friend is highly unlikely. I've said that if I can get his friend in I will but that again it would be a very last minute thing. That wasn't good enough for DH who was basically having a go at me about it, causing me to burst into tears again. I tried to explain that with my situation with my dad I'm really not concerned about this event and the fact that I am getting him in at all is something he should be grateful about . He still would not drop it and was acting as though his going was doing me a favour. In actual fact since I'm
Not going its causing me hassle to get him
In. So I could do without him throwing a hissy fit.

Obviously this does not justify what I said but I just wanted to try and explain why I was at the point I was. He had basically gone on and on at me for some time despite my tears and requests to stop.

GoldShip Thu 11-Oct-12 00:24:40

If my DP said that to me, no matter what the circumstances, our relationship would be over.

MayTheOddsBeEverInYourFavour Thu 11-Oct-12 00:35:23

Im sorry you're having such a horrible time, as I read your post I was thinking that your DH was being an arse, but when I got to what you said to him I'll admit I was shocked

He was without a doubt being insensitive and you were not being unreasonable to lose your temper, but saying that was just awful and I agree that it's not something I could ever get over my DH saying to me, I hope your DH doesn't feel the same

Are you apologising to him sincerely? Because no matter what he said he didn't deserve that. If you are then maybe you'll both be able to get past this

And I am truely sorry about your dad, I have been there

Autumn12 Thu 11-Oct-12 00:40:44

I haven't been able to talk to him properly as he just told me to get lost and shut the door. He is now asleep on the sofa and snoring loudly which is usually an indication that he has been drinking. I'm guessing that is why he was going on at me earlier.

I will have to try and talk to him tomorrow.

AgentZigzag Thu 11-Oct-12 01:27:57

If you manage to talk to him tomorrow, try not to make any excuses for why you said it.

It'd sound 'better' if you say you were completely in the wrong and focus more on how he feels about it than how he made you feel with going on at you.

Good luck smile

Longdistance Thu 11-Oct-12 02:08:31

Maybe it wasn't the best of things to have said to your dh. But, you've apologized and that's that. It is a stressful time for you.
My mum has had cancer 3 times, as it kept coming back, and my dh was a bit of a pita as yours was. Although, I told him to shut up, as had more important things to think and deal about. He can go on and on, about the most inanimate things that really don't matter.
As for your dads other family, deal with it how you want to deal with it. It wasn't your dh business on how you deal with it.
Your dh position is to support you in your hour of need.
I hope you get some good news soon.

He was being a total unreasonable pain in the arse. I can totally understand why you got upset and angry with him. Really sorry to hear about your Dad and hope the news is better than you suspect.

However I am very sorry to say that in unreasonable top trumps you win hands down. Despite the fact that his behaviour would have been annoying and unreasonable at the best of times telling someone that you wish they were dying of cancer is totally unforgivable whatever way you look at it. I don't think I could ever forgive my dh if he said that to me.

I agree with whoever said it that you now need to forget his annoying behaviour and concentrate on apologising to him for what you said and trying to work out why you felt the need to say something so appalling. That is presuming you want to save your marriage. Concentrating on how much of a twat your dh was being before the comment needs to be dealt with on another occasion now i'm afraid because if you bring it up you will look like your are excusing a comment for which there is really no excuse.

Hope you can sort things out with your dh.

maddening Thu 11-Oct-12 06:43:12

I'd sort the event issue out by telling him it's cancelled.

you"ve apologised already - it's his turn to do so now.

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