OK to be Concise (if not brief)? The reason this is in Relationships rather than General Health since that question will no doubt be asked when this is done & thread created? Is because the Effects of the problem I'm having here are utterly destroying me in many areas of RL & nowhere more than in my RL relationships? And? I think I'm prob' going to need some hand-holding for this as what I now have to do (I see that) & in some ways a process that I've have already started? Isn't something I'm looking forward to & that's putting it mildly
Anyway my name is Redline (Simon in RL but Redline will do for here) and I admit (at Looooooooong last) I have a Very Bad (indeed) addiction to Painkillers. The problem is? Due to surgery that Should have killed me 7 years ago (I lost nearly 3 pints of blood after it went wrong & Should have died but didn't) & the subsequent insertion of steel plates into my face after said op'? Not to mention my ascent from what can only be called the lowest circles of Hell on Earth a very dark, deep well to get back to being even Halfway normal & fit by normal people's standards? (I could only move my little finger immediately after the op' & had to learn to eat, drink, shave, walk, the Lot from scratch over 2 years after the op').
But due to all that? The op' left me 2 Very nasty souvenirs of it & the difficulties I went through to recover from it - 1 was Very bad nosebleeds that gradually faded but still happen from time to time & the other? Awful (feeling like I've been smashed around the head with an axe or hit with a baseball bat) migraines & headaches that make my head feel like it's splitting apart like you would Not believe. And these come at any time, any place out of the blue so I call them "flashfire" headaches. They are horrible, crippling, Very nasty things & along with what they've led to me needing to combat them? Have basically ruined my life. :(
I find it very hard to find Any work now due to How long I was recovering from the op' & associated NDE & as a result of those headaches? I was soon after the op' (was in 2005) prescribed what is now the Real problem Codeine painkillers. I was OK for a while with them - a number of years even but gradually? (& I Know how this goes as am the brother & son & nephew of nurses) I began to take more as what I had? Wasn't doing the job & removing the headaches & then? Eventually the doctor took me off the Codiene when I told him what it was doing at my former evil witch fiancee's urgings (prob' the last good thing she did for me to end 6 years of torture with her); Trouble is? He then put me on something called Zapain which is Codiene & paracetomol combined & now? I'm using them more than Ever when I have them 6-8 sometimes more each day & when not them? I often bought other Codiene based PK's between prescriptions. Anyway I Want to bring all this to a dead stop now & Never go back to it as my life is changing & I've met someone who I really care & don't want to hurt but? It's proving slightly less than easy to put it mildly to remove myself from the grip of those tablets........
When (as I'm trying again now) I've tried to stop using them? I've had the works temperatures/terrible stomach/running to the loo/Utterly Awful headaches (worse even than the "flashfire" ones/shivering/dizziness & tiredness/lethargy/laying in bed for hours utterly drained & thus far? My need has proven stronger than my will to stop though I've had some terrible battles in Trying to stop? I've not yet managed to, not fully. However? Not only are the mood swings I'm experiencing with & without these tablets doing severe damage to my relationships within my family (my father & sister Hate me, my mother & brother are embarrassed at times but Want to help me - they All row with me frequently & at least one of them has prob' guessed Why I'm the way I now am; Though I've said nothing about this to them). I've become at times short, irritable, snappy, even angry at stupid little things & other times? I get on great with people & the kids in our family (particularly my bro's 1 year old girl-my lovely niece) love me & most of them (barring my mum & sister who are a former & present nurse)? Don't suspect what's wrong with me or the real reason I am the way I am as I'm very good at hiding things when I want to & have my own home. Now though? I've had enough of this - something snapped the other night when I realised the state I was in & I knew it was time to draw a line in the sand & never step back across it.......
This isn't just for me either? I want to do this for My son to? He's 3 years old & I don't want the wreck I've become to be the way He remembers his dad when older whatever physical difficulties I've had since 2005 quite aside from all this (more than a few). Further? I've recently met a woman who I believe is "The One" & though we did argue a lot over one particular subject that's gradually now being resolved? We don't tend to row over much else & enjoy talking to one another; The thing is? I told Her about all this earlier tonight & what it's doing to me - the struggle I've gone/am going through (inc' how I buy other PK's sometimes to 'fill in' for the codeine due to my 'flash-fire' headaches etc) Trying to wean myself (latest attempt began last Fri' night) from the codeine for good & all time? The hell I normally have due to those damn face-plates etc? I told her all this & she was really upset & disappointed in me stating even that I've "lost the plot" in hiding everything the way I do from those I love & putting My needs before those of my family & child.
She then said some of my behaviour of late as well has sounded "vile" (which it has been - snapping at people, banging doors, becoming irritable etc) and needs sorting out but now I've told her this? She understands the cause & is prepared to help me get through this & come out the other side. She's a good woman & just Who I need & have needed to meet for a long while I think & I can't Bear the though of losing her yet tonight? I get the impression that by speaking about all this without thinking? I've (not for the first time) terribly hurt her & really disappointed her & as I've grown to care for her So very much? That really upsets me & I want to bring an end to all this re' the PK's & this time? Make it permanent & Never go back to them, not ever. However despite her upset, at the same time? I got the impression this woman really cared about & Would try to be there for me; I Don't want to disappoint or upset her anymore & am trying to do the right thing partly as she's prob' the only one I care for other than my son (& family) & the first person (never mind woman) I've opened up to about all this before tonight & partly as I Know this has to end somewhere & it's not going to be the end of me while I've got a little boy who I intend to see grow.
Anyway as I said? The ladies reaction helped changed something; It hardened the conviction I'd gotten to myself the other night that things Can't go on like this & resolved me to continue my self-begun crusade to free myself of this drug (and it is that isn't it?) Further? Her reaction prompted this little novel in fact as without hearing her disappointment earlier & realising just What she means to me? I doubt I'd have noticed anything was wrong & gone back to the PK's soon enough; However? Something is, Very wrong with me & I see that now; Which is why I'm Trying rope & grapnel in hand to ascend from Hell once more & become normal & Never dependent on those horrible things again!! >looks at compass (pointing North), fires grapnel & begins to climb walls to distant light above with intrepid expression on face<
I feel a mess - I Am a mess; Am I doing the right thing anyone reading? Is anyone there to hold my hand in this? I'm Really afraid of what's coming in this "Cold Turkey" process (Started since last Friday at 2AM & it's already become a Real battle :( ); I'm going tomoz' (today?) to see my doc' on the Lady I care for's advice & get a battle plan a set plan in moving myself away from this dependence for good but Can I see it through? Will my willpower hold out? I just don't know - hold my hand please or send a hug if reading this - I think I might need it. I just want to make the people in my life happy (her) & proud of me (my little boy) & return to someone like Who I was years ago before ever hearing the words Pain Killers; I do Not any longer desire being a PK dependent, desperate near-zombie who feels like an utter freak (& spends more time asleep than awake) as I have been now for more years than I can remember - is that to much to ask? I hope not; Here's hoping for some hands to hold or hugs if poss'? Something tells me I might need them before all this is over. Oh well, here goes nothing.........:( :(
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Relationships
Very scared about what I HAVE to do........
Redline · 08/10/2012 04:48
This reply has been deleted
Message withdrawn at poster's request.
Hey RemindmeWhatSleepIs? (an apt Nickname for me that would be lol as my body-clocks a Real mess right now) I'm OK(ish) I've not had any Zapain since Last Friday night? I've had to use something to tone down the headaches but it's Not been that; I'm doing my best Miss; Seeing the doc' today this afternoon as he was booked out yesterday? (Stupid system at this end - you Have To ring to book at 8AM or 1PM Then? They tell you you COULD have booked in advance - Shakes head 
). Anyway? Thinking of my son & that lady I spoke about mainly & Trying to fight through all this. Thank you for caring & writing again Littlewub - means a lot to know someone's listening & watching for me Miss; How come you name-changed mind? Didn't know you could do that on here once registered? Oh well - you learn a new thing everyday & all that;
To everyone else who wrote in reply? Thanks for listening & I've read some of them but not in depth as yet - will do & will reply soon. Thanks for holding my hand to TheMightyRubester - I really needed that Miss; 
I feel a Bit better now knowing I'm not alone as I thought I was in this the other night. And yes LostinCircles I know Codiene is like Morphine - half my family work in medicine which makes what I've done all the More stupid every time I think about it. 
. And yes it Is sheer hell right now trying to go cold on it but up until that? I'd honestly Tried everything else & couldn't see What else to do short of finding a wall to head-bang against closing my eyes & rocking back & forth saying "why me?" & what good would that do? I had to do something - so this was it
Izzyizzin? TY for writing Miss; I was hoping you or Anyfucker who I've seen on here quite a few times & both of whom seem to be very knowledgeable/helpful would reply & will read & reply to you in detail later; Again? Thank you for taking the time to do so & I appreciate it. Anyway just to ask? What aspects of my post concerned you & I'll do my best to answer those as well; As to the lady? We've only met once so far - not known each other for To long & spend a lot of time talking online & on the phone but we just "Click" you know? I feel warm & fuzzy & happy when I talk to her & she really likes me or so she's told me & I don't know - after the evil nightmare difficulties I had with my ex-fiancee? It's something I like & we'll see where it goes I think? Early days as yet but promising signs................
So what did the doc say?
Yes you can name change. Lots of people edit their name to suit the season, you'll see a few Halloween related names at the mo, and loads of Christmas names soon. Also people name change to discuss subjects which may reveal who they are in RL. No big mystery for me, I'd been my previous name for 4 years so was due a change (LittleWub for 24 hours in the middle whilst I thought of a name).
RemindMeWhatSleepIs? Wow, didn't know that re' the names; Such a little thing but one for some reason? I'm happy to learn Maybe it's just me being a knowledge junkie, boffin geek (as of old at school a very long time ago) & happy to learn? Who knows? Haha re' the Xmas names & Halloween ones, sounds like fun but FWIW? Littlewub sounded very cute & was a nice name for you IMO but again? 4 years is prob' long enough so sleep well Littlewub name - we knew & liked you well LoL 
Anyway the doctor? Was my agony aunt Doctor & it may have been my imagination but? He looked a little unsurprised to see me; Me? I wouldn't be surprised if he was tired of me; Especially since he's seen me at that GP practice since I was 2 & I guess after 32 years of me (I'm 34 now btw)? Even I'd need a break 
;
Anyway? He praised my courage in coming to him about it & said I'd done the right thing but the bloody stupid wrong one in Trying to go CT to get Off the Zapain? He then gave me to go with the --useless- rudimentary plan I had in my head for getting off the codiene? A sort of what can only be called an Action Plan for withdrawing totally from Codiene over time; I saw him about several other things as well so left this? Until last as it took me that long to work up the courage to mention it to him?
Anyway he agreed with me that the symptoms I've had of late (irritability, tiredness, trouble with my stomach/toilet etc?) are All symptomatic of excessive doses of & damage caused by paracetamol & codiene together (this is important); He then? Gave me the action plan which was basically to take me off Zapain, put me onto pure Codiene tablets & then? Make a long term plan for me to 'taper down' the numbers I get the codienes in Until I can go without them & then? He said he'll put me on Ibuprofen once the Codienes are gone - this is because the pains I get? Aren't going to go away even if I don't take codiene anymore - due to the heavy surgery I had & the damage it did? I'll be like this for life so need Something for it/to help with the pain; Just not something quite that hellishly addictive or damaging over the longterm. He told me to see him again in a month & that we'll go along gradually from there but that I can phone him in the meantime if I have any difficulties.
Further to that? He gave me a few names of local groups I could talk to about all this to. So yes he helped me - a lot & was as good/encouraging/praising of my forthrightness as I thought he'd be & yes that's a help; I feel better now than I did when I started this thread & if not at it yet? I think the finish line re' me & codiene? Is finally in sight & though I suspect there'll be bloody loads not a few bends, ramps & valleys to go over & through to reach it as yet? The countdown on me & codiene that is ridiculously slightly overdue? Has Finally begun & soon? I'll be getting it out of my life for good & All time..............
Itsallinmyhead? Thank you Miss: As you prob' read by now? I went & the results are detailed above - but thanks for offering & I'll gladly accept My Lady;
Just to say? You don't know How much the support I've had on here for this & not a few other things I've talked about in my slightly difficult Battered & ruined life has meant. More than any of you can ever know; Thanks for it all of you - I really appreciate it & all of you who've offered such care & listening; It's stopped me falling a very long way more than once; For that? It helped? - Everything you've all said on here & your listening to me; Anyway Suffice to say more than once? You've prob' all helped haul me back from out over space the cliff edge & that? Is something I can never repay but which I appreciate immensely. Suffice to say? Sometimes men have Very dark times of the soul & emotions to? We just never talk about it & as this wonderful site is showing me? Maybe more of us should. This site saved me from having My particular midnight of the soul completely implode & prob' take me With it & saving me from that? Is something I can never repay you all who endured spoke to me enough for - You have my thanks & always will...............
NB Izzyizzin if you're reading? Hope the updates are OK & just wondered if you could update me on what those aspects of my original post were that you were concerned with? I'll do my best to answer & hope you're well Miss.
Just a quick pop in to read your updates Redline. You are one brave guy & I'm so pleased to read that with such a supportive gp, your path is becoming clear to you.
Without boring you too much, I just wanted you to know that within my professional life I often support individuals who have made the brave decision to make positive lifestyle changes by addressing substance misuse issues & I can empathise with how difficult & often frightening this decision can be & I am humbled by your strength. One day at a time, Redline. 
Hi sorry not posted for a while - Remindme'? Not really - don't know why (though I suspect my dad & grandad being unwell of late, a real battle with my on/off 'partner' in real life re' something dear to her & most of all missing my son so very much after he went home for another 2 weeks after the weekend here all have much to do with it alongside the endless bitter war I am trying to wage on my horrible codiene addiction 
) but? I feel lower right now than I have at any time in recent months right back to that truly awful time in the middle of summer when I was in the middle of not seeing my son for 4 months & 1 week & wondering if I ever will again?
Right now I feel so depressed, upset, down, tired & apathetic that I just wonder if I should even bother trying anymore? Never mind going on longterm - I don't know where this latest assault of dark clouds & a truly evil vicious depression I get from time to time has come from - it's rather sprung on me here but right now? I really do feel down - Maybe I'm not as far along the path as I thought..............
Feel sad right now. Sorry
Thanks Robotlover - guess I'll thank you for that >>holds hands
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