How do you tell when you have a real reason to be jealous and when you are just being paranoid/hormonal?

[Toscano]

Are there any sure fire ways of knowing? I guess I am asking about 'red flags' to look out for so that I know when he's just being friendly with other women and when he's flirting/looking for an ego boost...

[MsKayGee]

I think if you're always on the lookout for 'red flags' for no apparent reason then you're being a bit too hyper-vigilant.

However if something has set your radar twitching, then probably about 9 times out of 10 there is something to be concerned about.

Have you got an example of something?

[Toscano]

Definitely - I'm pretty much never on the look out for red flags, am someone who just wants everything to be fine. Which is why I am suddenly thinking I could easily miss something...if that makes sense.

Anyway, DP was showing me a text from a friend the other day, and I noticed he had some texts from a woman I didn't know he was still in touch with. They were never together, but had a rather flirty friendship I always thought. I just ignored it and once we moved away from her I assumed they didn't speak any more - as whenever he mentioned her it sounded like they didn't.

I don't expect him to tell me about every contact he has with every friend, old or otherwise, but for some reason I feel odd about this.

[Toscano]

The point is - it could be completely innocent, and I don't want to start checking his phone etc to 'reassure' myself because that way madness lies...

I would ask him about it, but am concerned that appearing jealous could be damaging to our relationship, esp if I'm being unnecessarily paranoid.

[MsKayGee]

See at the point of seeing the texts on his phone I would have said "oh I didn't know you were still in touch with X" and see what his response was.

Although if he was openly showing you his phone, and presumably he'd know you would see the messages from this woman, then I doubt you've got much to worry about.

[Toscano]

I know!!! I should totally have just asked straight away, and now it feels too late, like I've been brooding (which I guess I have)

And yes, he couldn't have been that worried about me seeing them. Thank you :)

[MsKayGee]

Maybe the next time you get a chance, if you're talking about friends or something, you could lightly drop it into a conversation, "hey DH that reminds me, I noticed when you showed me that text from our friend that you're still in touch with X, how is she?".

My gut feeling is that I wouldn't worry to much.

[Toscano]

Thank you MsKayGee, that's my gut feeling too, that's why I posted on here rather than bringing it up this morning and risking being mean to him for no reason (got some bad PMT right now!)

I will just wait and see, I should think an opportunity to mention it without being confrontational will crop up soon.

[junkcollector]

He probably wouldn't let you anywhere near his phone if anything untoward was really going on.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

After once ignoring my gut instinct about a friendship with disastrous results I tend to listen to myself more these days. If I'm feeling suspicious it is therefore neither paranoia nor hormones... it's because there's something up. :)

[Toscano]

I do usually listen to my gut instinct Cogito, but try not to impulsively act on every random feeling/thought (not that I'm suggesting you do!)

What would you do in my situation? Would you try to reassure yourself by asking outright or looking for some other kind of evidence?

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

I would always ask outright. I'm far happier looking the bastard in the eyes and catching them lying than I am lowering myself to their level & snooping about steaming open their post or whatever. If someone was suspicious about me, that's also the treatment I'd prefer. If I found a partner had been ferreting about trying to find evidence about me rather than ask me to my face I'd take an extremely dim view....

[Toscano]

lol at 'steaming open their post' :) No, there will be no snooping/phoning searching etc. I know from friends experiences that that is a slippery slope!

[Looksgoodingravy]

As other posters have pointed out he showed you his phone and her messages were still on there so nothing to hide. He would imo have deleted her texts straight away and this is coming from someone who has recently been betrayed. I think seeing the texts from her maybe just raised some old insecurities in you about their past flirty friendship.
If you do still have that niggle though talk to him about it.

[Looksgoodingravy]

Meaning he would have deleted her texts straight away if he had something to hide with the content of the texts.

[Toscano]

I'm sorry Looksgood, hope you are okay. And thanks, you are most probably right.

[Looksgoodingravy]

My instincts were right last year, found out recently though. I think in your case though it may just be a case of old insecurities. If however you've other concerns i.e has your dh become distant, critical, phone attached to him every moment, I would then be more concerned, the texts still being there though say to me he's nothing to hide imo.

[Toscano]

No, no other concerns at all. But I shouldn't be feeling insecure should I, so will just ask him about it if it continues to bother me. His phone is always lying around and he often gets me to look at things on it for him, so I am prob just being a jealous cow!

[Looksgoodingravy]

Don't be too hard on yourself, some of us have those moments more so at certain times of the month.