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He wants to separate

(574 Posts)
McBuckers Sun 09-Sep-12 02:06:43

My DH and I have had a rough couple of years. We live far away from family and close friends and he has a job that involves working evenings and going away for a couple of nights a month.

We have three children - 6, 2 and 3 months. About 10 months ago he had a brief fling with someone he works with. I told him I wanted to end the relationship and he begged me not to. We carried o and went to counselling and things were fine for a while.

Our third child was born in April and things were good for a few weeks but then I started to feel that things were going wrong again and that there may be someone else. On Tuesday night I found a message in his phone. From him to a woman he works with saying that he loved her. It turned out that he had slept with her twice the previous week.

On Thursday night we had a long talk. I can see now that in many ways I have pushed him away for fear of getting hurt again and that he has gone to someone else for that love and affection.

That night we made love - he instigated it and then immediately afterwards he said he wanted a separation. I texted the OW and begged her to please leave him to think about the situation and about our family. Pathetic I know, but I was desperate.

He asked for some thinking time and he stayed away all last night to think about things. This morning her came back and said that if we were to have any sort of future we needed to be honest with each other. He was acting in a very kind and conciliatory way - saying to our baby "daddy's been very silly" and he took us out to lunch and we had a fun day with the kids. The only blot was that he was getting texts from this woman all day and each time he got one he became more distant.

When the kids went to bed we talked, I again apologised for the mistakes that I have made in our marriage but he refused to listen, said that he'd been miserable for years and that he wanted to separate.

He said that he doesn't want to move out as the house is half his and he can't afford to pay half the mortgage and rent somewhere else. But he does want to separate. I know in my heart that we can turn things around and be happy but he doesn't want to listen.

I can't bear the thought of losing him and the thought of sharing custody of the children and breaking their hearts is too much to contemplate.

I don't know whether to force him to leave so that he will (hopefully) miss me and the kids (though obviously this would also give him more time to spend with the OW) or to try and keep hammering home the fact that we could be happy if only he would live me another chance.

He won't even let me cuddle him. I can't eat or sleep and I can't talk to m y friends about it because they all think I should have left him the first time he strayed.

I just want the opportunity too show him how much I love him but he won't let me.

MadAboutHotChoc Sun 09-Sep-12 15:18:55

And all during this distancing, you react negatively - which results in a vicious circle, serving to make him even more convinced that he is perfectly justified in choosing to have affairs.

McBuckers Sun 09-Sep-12 17:49:35

You might be on to something there hotchoc. Also interesting that the two people he turns to for relationship advice are both gay men with no responsibilities.

MadAboutHotChoc Sun 09-Sep-12 18:10:48

hmm I would not be surprised that if you plot a timeline and go back to when you last were really happy and that would be before the first OW came onto the scene.

McBuckers Sun 09-Sep-12 18:17:14

Very true hotchoc. It was just after our second child arrived that he started to change. I think his whole issue is with responsibilities. I don't think he wants any. He loves 'set pieces' with the children - like swimming and park but staying in them on a rainy Sunday doing painting, role play games, play doh etc drives him barmy.

it drives everyone barmy doesn't it? no one (apologies if you're out there) naturally loves staying in on a rainy day with 3 kids but if you choose to get married and have 3 kids it's tough shit - you get through those times. or if you are utterly self indulgent and heartless enough to value your freedom and shagging OW more than your family you have the balls to walk out and leave. you don't think well i'll stay for the bits i like but still shag other women and expect to live in the house and play families when it suits me. that's so utterly taking the piss and the degree of entitlement and contempt one must have for one's partner is beyond belief.

yes young kids are hard work, yes a ton of responsibility can be breathtaking sometimes - depressing - panic attack inducing - exhausting. and? do we all go out and start shagging around with babies on the way or in the crib? no we don't. but he has.

this is nothing to do with the situation and everything to do with him.

life IS hard and how you respond to that is the measure of you. unless of course he suffers with incurable uniqueness that makes it all the harder for his special snowflake self and justifies him treating people like shit and shagging away his children's security.

sorry but he isn't that special. he's an adult human being with responsiblities like the rest of us. he's behaving like this because he's an arsehole.

McBuckers Sun 09-Sep-12 19:58:27

Swalloedafly - you are so right.

I am so glad I poured my heart out here. Thank you so much for your messages they really are helping me to get through this.

I can see now that I've basically been living the life of a single mum for 2 years. He does set pieces at the weekend, but that's it. During the working week I never know when he's going to be home. Being on my own may actually be easier as I wouldn't be looking for support from anyone and end up being resentful that it isn't given. My ironing pile will also be dramatically reduced - no more shirts to iron hurrah!

This week I've had a morning and an afternoon on my own - absolutely child free. It's the most free time I've had in3 years and I loved it! I went out to a restaurant and sat outside In the sunshine drinking Pinot Grigio. It was brilliant!

McBuckers Sun 09-Sep-12 19:59:55

Maybe it' s the wine that's making me feel much better...

i'm so glad you got a bit of time to yourself. it can make such a difference just to get out hands free and walk through a town and it be just you. can't put it in words but i'm sure we've all felt it.

i do hope it was him looking after the three children and getting a taste of reality.

McBuckers Sun 09-Sep-12 20:08:49

It was brilliant, so peaceful and lovely to have no responsibilities for a few hours i now understand why he goes out so often.

you're right you know - realistically in some ways your life will be easier without him. certainly the atmosphere and tone of home will be entirely up to you and you will actually get some proper time off. of course there's a lot of practical stuff to face and deal with but in some ways it will be better - it might be harder in some ways but some things WILL be better. worth remembering that.

i'm a single mother but i only have one child, two dogs and a cat so can't comment on doing it with three children. from the outside looking in though i can't see any way he is making your life better and i can think of tons of ways he is making it a misery and adding to the work and stress you face.

winniemum Sun 09-Sep-12 20:18:47

You are sounding more positive already McBuckers. I've spent the last 20 years of my life apologising and trying to please my DH. Only recently, thanks to MN I've realised he has no respect for me when I'm like that.
So I've now started saying things like 'no. I don't want to' looking him up and down like he's crazy when he criticizes me etc
He's actually started to be really nice to me now, as he knows I'm not standing for the treatment he dishes out to me. Just saying I think he has more respect for me. So until you get your DH to move out, try treating him with the contempt he deserves.

McBuckers Sun 09-Sep-12 20:27:23

Actually just replaying things in my mind I think he has always resented me because we had kids before he was ready. I was 32 when we got married and was worried that I was getting older, and it took both of our parents 18mths to conceive. We conceived in 6 weeks. We had kids much earlier than he wanted and I think he's always resented having the responsibility.

MadAboutHotChoc Sun 09-Sep-12 20:31:17

Yes but he still agreed to to conceive DC no 2 and no 3....

McBuckers Sun 09-Sep-12 20:43:19

Actually to be fair to him he didn't want number three. She was a complete accident and he wanted a termination, only in the end I couldn't go through with it.

and is he volunteering to have a vasectomy given he's so convinced he didn't want number three let alone more?

50shadesofgreyhair Sun 09-Sep-12 20:52:10

McB, I really think you'll be fine. I had four kids and they were all teenagers (still are!) when Twunt left to 'find the happiness he deserved'. I was fine, it was a relief - it was like having four kids instead of five. He did little around the house, been that way for years. When the kids were small he worked long hours and always managed to have 'me time' - i.e. drinks with younger unmarried colleagues after work - he never rushed home to help with the kids. I got resentful - I envied him his freedom, and would sometimes go days without other adult company, yet he always managed to do the fun scheduled play stuff (as long as it fitted in with him). They find it hard to cope with kids, these sort of men, it's like they think they should still be number one priority, even if you have a sick baby to nurse. Looking back I think twunt was jealous of his own kids, I really do. God I'm well shot, and you will be too.

McBuckers Sun 09-Sep-12 20:52:42

Funnily enough he refused to have a vasectomy...

50shadesofgreyhair Sun 09-Sep-12 20:53:17

I'll do it for him SwallowedAFly!

funny that.

can't pull the younger second wife if you don't have any swimmers.

incidentally he agreed to conceive your first child too - you both made the decision to try you can hardly then be blamed for the fact that your eggs and sperm met successfully early on in trying ffs.

take a good look at him.

McBuckers Sun 09-Sep-12 20:59:43

50shades - bingo, they could be related! It sounds exactly the same, my DH always managed to go out a couple of times a week after work. Sometimes I didn't even know if/when he'd be home and sometimes he'd come home so late and so pissed he couldn't help out with the kids when they woke up in the morning

McBuckers Sun 09-Sep-12 21:01:51

Maybe it's the wine talking but am starting to think bye bye twunt

Give some of that wine lol

You will find you have to stop yourself from sniggering when you think 'cocklodger' and 'twunt' and other mumsnetty words when looking at him.. 'tis ace grin

MerryCosIWonaGold Sun 09-Sep-12 21:17:25

I'm not usually one of those that cries, "Leave the bastard." But, I can't believe he's done this TWICE and you're still finding reasons why it's your fault. It's not your fault. It is NEVER your fault. If he was really unhappy, he could have left, he could said you were pushing him away. Whatever. You have not pushed him into anyone's arms. Please, please OP, don't take this on yourself. He will keep doing this if he knows he can get away with it, and each time it will take even more of your self esteem. This will be worse for the kids. A Mum who hates herself.

MerryCosIWonaGold Sun 09-Sep-12 21:19:04

Sorry OP. I see the thread has been updated. Good on ya!

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