How the baby will affect our relationship

[elvislives2012]

Bit of background. I've been with my DH for 13 years and got married this year. Found out the day after the wedding that I was pregnant. I had always wanted children and DH hadn't. Had had lots of discussions previously and it was only when his brother had a son a couple of years ago that my DH became quite paternal. However, he always said he wouldn't be bothered if he had a child or not.
Am now 34 weeks pregnant and freaking out. Just watched Midwives (WHY?!) and started crying and worrying how I would cope or deal with this enormous life change. DH comforted me and we had a cuddle but he did point out that this is what I always wanted. I'm worried that I've forced him into this and he's only doing this is it's the cards he's been dealt, which he does agree with. He did also say that he goes from being excited about being a dad to feeling trepidation and nervous to regretting it completely, which I have to agree that is how I'm feeling too.
I know this is a decision that we made and I feel lucky to have been given this baby but I'm scared about how it will affect us. Does anyone have any ideas or past experience? Please don't say he's an idiot etc, because he's not. He has been open and honest about this with me and our relationship is a strong one which does enable us to talk about our feelings openly.
Thanks

[GoldPlatedNineDoors]

My DH was the driving force behind us TTCing and even he was freaking out a bit. I think its normal to feel like you are on an emotional rollercoaster during pg and those first few weeks.

I realised dh liked to follow a bit pf a routine, and so did I and luckily dd was happy to follow a routine from day one, so it took the pressure of him.knowing what to do and when with her rather than him worrying that he would misinterpret her cues.

I also found giving him an area of responsibility helped - he has done bath bottle bed every night since she came home from the hospital.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

Ultimately, it won't be about how either of you feels now but how you behave when your baby is here that matters. I'm pretty sure everyone cycles through excitement to anticipation to doubt to utter dread at this stage but, when you meet your baby for the first time, a lot of it goes by the wayside. Responsible, caring, mature people step up to the plate, put any fears behind them and get on with it best they can. As for how it affects you as a couple... if you both decide now to make time for each other when you are parents, find space in your day for kind words and TLC even when you're dog-tired or run ragged, you will be fine.

[Ariadne78]

it will be OK. Lots of men have reservations about becoming a father before the birth, but most of them fall completely in love with the baby when he/she arrives. Try not to worry. It will fall into place.

[elvislives2012]

Thank you, all. I'm still feeling a bit tearful but I'm glad to know that this is normal. I like the idea of giving the baby to him when it's first born as I think that may help and making him part of the routine is good too. I feel a bit of a wreck atm and don't think eihter of us anticipated this part of it!!

[Nymia]

Sounds absolutely normal to me. 36 weeks pg here, and in my case DH wanted kids and I was the one who was ambivalent about it all. I still am a little bit uncertain that this is going to be the right thing for us, but my son wriggles away in there and lifts my spirit every time. Emotions are all over the place in pregnancy anyway, I think it's normal to be anxious especially with a first baby when you have no idea what the hell you're doing or what life will actually be like with a permanent third housemate. After all, you've just taken the biggest gamble of your life and wagered three lives on the outcome: yours, DHs, and the baby's. The "what-ifs" don't bear thinking about.

Funnily enough I also spent yesterday watching Midwives (I think there was a thread on AIBU about it which made me go find it on iplayer) and crying... but in a good way! OBEM put me off much more.

And with that, I'm going back to bed now I've had my breakfast... This must be the growth spurt week, I'm so drained!

[puds11]

My ExDP didn't wan me to have our DD. He reiterated that to me when i was about 8 months pregnant, and i was so worried he was never going to love his daughter. He was uninterested in the pregnancy, but as soon as she arrived things changed. He loves her more than anything, and although we are no longer together i know i made the right decision for both of us by keeping her.

[elvislives2012]

That's interesting, puds. I think I was so certain that this was good for us and that DH would be a wonderful father that I'm worried now that I made a mistake. I guess the idea for him is still so abstract ATM that I won't know until it's here. I'm experiencing all the movements, hormones and body changes and he's just observing it. It's difficult to get him involved when all the scans and MW appts are focused on me and how I'm doing, meaning he is left out of the loop a bit

[elvislives2012]

Thank you scruffy your post made me cry some more!!!! I love the idea of giving him a present from the baby and I think I'll do that. I really hope that it all works out, I can't believe that I will have got him so wrong.

[Bluemary3000]

My DH wasn't fussed about kids but gradually became more excited about each one the nearer to birth I got. Our DD was born whilst he was working from home, so he was there all the time and was involved in everything. He found her easy. Our DS was born after he went back into employment, so wasn't around as much. He found it harder to bond with him.
As someone has already said, involve him with everything, if even a little forcfully at the beginning. My DH was petrified at first as he had no idea what to do and just kept on saying your maternal. I am so unmaternal, I think even my health visitor was scared (I cant stand babies, poopy and crying all the time - toddlers upwards, I have more patience for!)
But involvement and spending time with both of our kids has meant that we have both been happy with what ended up being a drunken decision! God love the vodka and to both my kids.

[Ladyflip]

My DH actively didn't want kids and I did. I didn't con him into it but at the same time I knew he wasn't keen. He panicked through the pregnancy and exhibited some frankly immature and selfish behaviour. I can't say he was brilliant when DS arrived either, he refused to ever change a nappy and has never done a night feed. Neither of us is quite sure how I got pregnant again but 20 months after DS we had DD and he repeated the same behaviour (in fact was possibly even worse, examples include announcing he wasn't going to have anything to do with "it") whilst I slowly went nearly bonkers with the strain of looking after two under 2. It was incredibly difficult and our relationship pretty much only survived by the skin of its teeth.

However, the good news is that the children are now 5 and 3, and you really wouldn't know we had been through all that. He absolutely adores the children, puts them to bed, cuddles them, chats to them, and genuinely loves and cares about them.
I have come to the conclusion that he was terrified of babies, of the responsibility, and the poo! Now that they walk, talk, and are potty trained, he really loves being a Dad.
I'm not proud of his behaviour, and he's too stubborn to ever admit he was wrong. I can't imagine that your DH will behave in such a silly way, and you know him better than we will. Perhaps he'll be brilliant, maybe not. But even if he finds it difficult at first, he may just grow into a being a fantastic Dad!
Good luck.

[complainingnicely]

It was DH who wanted a dc and I wasn't keen initially. Our contraception failed and I would have terminated if the decision was entirely down to me. But I think in a marriage you have to make compromises about major decisions like this.

The early months were very stressful and I have to admit I'm not too keen on the baby stage, but DH helped a lot by paying for an extra pair of hands and doing a lot of the work himself, allowing me to retain some time to myself. For me, I was very worried that we'd lose our quality of life because of the expense and lack of free time, but DH worked extra hard to increase our income which allowed me time to continue the things I enjoy. We also have help like a cleaner to deal with a lot of the extra mess, as that's something I didn't really want either.

So I would say, where there is one partner who really wants a dc more than the other, it's worthwhile finding out why your DH had reservations about having a dc and try to reassure him that the negative aspects needn't be so bad, and that you'll be making additional efforts to make sure it doesn't have a big impact on him.

[Bluemary3000]

I agree with the last 2 posts entirely in the fact that the baby stage is the most scariest to some people. You either like them or you dont! i dont, but got through. My DH and I are selfish and wanted to retain ourselves and so we used the good friends that we have around us and from time to time asked for helped and managed to keep up our own lives.

[elvislives2012]

It's interesting to read your opinions. I posted on here thinking I'd get slated and told that my DH wasn't stepping up. I had no idea how common this was and feel heartened to hear such positive stories. I guess I have no idea how he will react until he sees the baby.
I know we will have a lot of support around us so I will try to make sure we still make time for each other.
I spoke to my mum today and told her about my panic, partly about the birth and partly about my DH, and she also reassured me. She said it was obvious that he loves me very much and perhaps some of it is his own birth anxiety. We started NCT yesterday which was surprisingly useful as all the other men were feeling the same.

[elvislives2012]

I think I'm also worried as he hasn't got a job ATM. He's looking but in concerned about having to go back to work early if he doesn't find one soon. It doesn't help that I keep going on about this, but it doesn't feel like he's looking very hard!

[arthurfowlersallotment]

It's so common to have anxiety. In fact, it's a totally normal response to what is a massive, life altering event. I remember having moments of hyperventilation and utter panic when I was pregnant. So did my DP. And in the early days of parenthood, the pair of us floundered around, bleary eyed and snapping at each other. I won't deny the initial adjustment was tough, and my hormones were utterly fucked sideways, but once I was through the newborn fog, I became so happy and overwhelmed with love for my DD. My DP is the same, he just dotes on her and is as happy as I am to be a parent.

Our baby was (a very welcome) surprise, and we were completely unprepared. We managed though, and are out the other side still smiling. (Mostly). I wanted kids, 'at some stage' and so did DP, but it wasn't a pressing issue and we enjoyed our active social life...

I still remember his face at the BFP

But now, we wouldn't change a single thing.

Mind you, I still sometimes think 'SHIIIIIIIIT I'M A MOTHER'.
But I think that'll always happen to me.. :o

Congratulations OP, and best of luck with the birth. Babies are amazing. And this is coming from one of the least maternal women ever. (Former..)

[Button2nose]

My dh and I have 2 chn DS is 22 months and have a 3 month DD. (we have also been together 13 years & married for 3) My hubby wasn't worried before DS but did find it hard when he came. He would talk to him, play with him as a baby but found it really difficult when he would cry as he thought only breast would sooth him (breast feeding). I think in a way he became slightly depressed, he was always down, didnt want to hold baby etc as he had to adapt to all the changes and worries. This didnt last long though, As DS got older, so he became more involved & was even having him on days off once I went back to work. Now he cannot get enough of him & they have a lovely relationship. Again with DD, he was worried before I had her & is not hands on as much as I'd like but he is already paying more attention as she starts doing more (I.e not just sleeping and eating!)

I guess what I'm trying to say is that although he may find it all new to begin with, I'm sure he will adapt and you will have a lovely family!

[elvislives2012]

He loves dire straits!! I'll suggest that too, that's a good idea!