'I could have told you that'

[munkysea]

Anyone else's DP say this? It's getting right on my tits! I was talking about my DP about a recent appraisal at work and his response was, 'Well I could have said that about you!' That's one example that come to mind, but he often says that about things I tell him.

I know he thinks he's being supportive, and, well, he does know me incredibly well since we have been together some 7 years now, but how to I express how profoundly irritating it is? Sometimes I think he mistakes my annoyance with situations when I'm whinging about them for genuinely being surprised they occurred, if you know what I mean?

I hope I'm making sense. I find it irritating because I don't know, I just don't find it supportive? Does anyone else get this with their DP or family members? Can anyone help me with articulating it to talk it over with him?

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

This is a communication mismatch. When you said (I'm guessing) 'to my annoyance & surprise, my manager said I need to brush up on X, Y & Z', I expect what you're looking for in return is some kind of sympathy, a listening ear, an acknowledgement of your feelings. 'Oh dear', 'what a git', 'how very dare she?' etc. His response unfortunately says 'I am a man that knows everything, I would have anticipated the problem and you're a bit stupid for it having blundered into it' .... patronising and unhelpful although probably not malicious.

I'm guilty of doing it myself. When DM calls me complaining that my DF has done something quintessentially Dad-like again I know I'm meant to say 'oh dear', 'what a git', 'how very dare he?' but I admit resorting to 'what do you expect? I could have told you that would happen' in desperation because it is fairly predictable. Horrible DD that I am.

What to do? Knock it back & tell him that you find 'I could have told you that' is unhelpful. Tell him what response you'd like instead - because unthinking sympathy is not everyone's default setting. Even start your story with the instruction for him to say nothing and just listen. Good luck

[munkysea]

Exactly, thanks.