Is RELATE any good?

[Lala1980]

Having some problems.
Have been recommended RELATE.
Any feedback from previous users?
Idea of cost?
Is it helpful if you go alone initially? Not sure I'll get DP to agree to go... but it might help ME!

[Callmecordelia]

Practicalities first - We went to Relate. The cost per session was a pound for every thousand pounds of gross income at the branch we went to - so if you earned £20K per year, it would be £20.00 - if you both went it was your joint income. If you really couldn't pay anything, they wouldn't charge, but it was made clear that paying was expected.

Did it work? Well, we now know what we do wrong. I don't think we were able to change dramatically, but at least we have more of an awareness of what needs to be done and when we screw up. We understand now that if you want something you have to ask for it - don't expect it just to happen! That's the good bit.

The bad bit was that I was much more willing to talk, and the counselling ended up being aimed at me more than DH, who to be honest probably needed it more. I wish I'd shut up, because although superficially I looked more fragile, he needed the help. It dragged up a lot of stuff from my childhood that probably wasn't helpful to me, put a spin on it that wasn't warranted, and I ended up not talking to my Mum for a while, which she didn't deserve. But that is probably a bad counsellor, rather than Relate as a whole, and there were good bits as I said.

[Spuddybean]

My exH and i went. We were on a low income so they charged £10 per session, but did make us feel bad about that and reminded us they were massively discounting it and couldn't do it indefinitely.

We had sex issues, exH couldn't get or maintain an erection. We went to a sex counsellor first who was awful. She seemed completely out of her depth when the 'script' didn't work. Ie we did all the touching and kissing exercises but it still didn't work so she seemed to get angry - as if, if we were doing it properly it would have worked. Eventually she seemed to get desperate and started recommending things which neither of us was comfortable with (ie the main problem was ex could only get it up if i was dressed up in sexy undies and on all 4s etc - so she said why didn't i just do that every time i wanted sex, problem solved! Umm, that's the reason we went there - so i DIDN"T have to do that!).

We then got passed on to a relationship therapist, who was much better and pretty much diagnosed the problem. We were best friends and not lovers. There was no sexual spark. We got on great, had no issues, never rowed, but were enmeshed like brother and sister.

Nothing would change, so they asked us to stop going as really there was no actual problem to fix. We ignored them and stayed together for 5 more years, then got married, year later we were getting divorced. :(

Good luck OP

[regnamechange]

When I went through severe PND my DH and I went to relate for a few weeks. We truly enjoyed it and helped us massively. Good luck

[Lala1980]

Probs relate to dp sex drive and intimacy leves have dropped right off. also I struggle with stepmothering his 4 kids and I think that affects how he views me. Is RELATE the best thing or another sort of counselling?

[reddaisy]

We didnt get on well at Relate. We had a counsellor in her sixties who seemed out of touch. One of my issues at the time was how I did everything for DSD (cooking, washing etc, etc) and had no respect in return and she said as the woman I should be doing all the household chores and to get on with it! <img loading="lazy" class="inline-flex mumsnet-emoji" alt="Shock" src="https://www.mumsnet.com/assets/images/mumsnet-emojis/base/shock.png"> Even though we were both working ft at the time. We didnt go back as even DP thought she dismissed my issues all the time. I would use relate again though, just not her!

[Callmecordelia]

Relate isn't the only charity to offer counselling at a reduced price. I can think of two others local to me, and I'd go there rather than Relate myself.

[UnbridledPositivity]

Not a good experience here.

Our counsellor kept waffling about her own experiences in her marriage which were only tangentially related to our issues. Then she'd finally get to the serious business in the last 10 minutes so we kept booking another session because it felt like we were getting somewhere in those 10 minutes so we didn't want to give up.

She also spent a disproportionate amount of time taking me apart and trying to change me, when it later turned out that exDH was the one who was actually seriously messed up - he'd been looking up escorts since before we got married, and somehow, without knowing what he was up to, I felt disconnected, and he suggested counselling to 'help me' (!!). He didn't admit to any of this in counselling - not the counsellor's fault, but I still feel bitter that she let him use counselling to make me really doubt myself, and even helped him with that.

Discount wasn't even mentioned, and we were seriously struggling, which our counsellor knew.

[geegee888]

Reddaisy I wonder if you had the same counsellor as me! She held pretty old fashioned traditional views and seemed to regard the man as the lord and master. I was basically told that I had to put up and shut up because then DP was threatening to walk. Then DP loved it but it made me so resentful it was one of the reasons I left him several months later. And the reason we were having difficulties in the first place was that after 10 years together, he still hadn't proposed!

Once I dumped him, he smartened up his act, we got back together again, married a year later and he has been pretty much a perfect husband ever since. I put this down to not being traditional and him knowing I'll walk if he messes me around again. Pretty much the opposite of what the Relate counsellor advised, it really was in my case pretty sexist, old fashioned stuff.

This sounds horrid, but the counsellor was very unattractive and she had I thikn some strange ideas about how hard it was to keep a man attracted to you, based at least partly on her appearance.

[reddaisy]

GeeGee - glad to hear you are still together, we are too! And mostly very happy. I ended up walking out and I sat in the car and cried. I refused to go back. What I wanted out of counselling was practical advice on how to deal with issues so we heard each others point of view instead of just wanting our own views heard. We mostly got through by actively trying to be considerate partners and putting our relationship first. We are in the east if you are anywhere near?!

[Feckbox]

no

[geegee888]

I am in the East too reddaisy...!

[Coconutter]

I'm going soon, but I've seem a number of counsellors over the year. Some were crap, a couple were good, and a couple were fab. It does end up being quite a personal thing depending on whether you click, and there are rubbish counsellors same as there are rubbish shop assistants, teachers, chefs, etc etc...eg the Samaritans are generally pretty highly regarded but I rang once and got a horrible woman who told me I was being stupid when I rang them in desperation! Having said that I've not had relationship-specific counselling before and it might be different, so watch this space..!