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How do you eat an elephant? One bite at a time :-)

(993 Posts)
skyebluesapphire Sat 25-Aug-12 17:42:34

This is my new thread - title thanks to tribpot

Links to my previous threads for my own information.

SpiderManMum Mon 19-Nov-12 17:07:05

Bloody hell, just logged on to see how nervous you were feeling with 24 hours to go and find this sad

Obviously you must be gutted but it is good that he has shown his true colours before you met rather than further down the line. What a shallow knob! Still his choice and loss ( sound familiar?!)

I would agree with the others and as tempting as it may be, would stop emailing him and put him in the archives so to speak. You are worth so much more than a man who judges you by your dress size thanks

stuffitunderthebed Mon 19-Nov-12 18:00:50

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

brianbennettfan Mon 19-Nov-12 18:19:11

Hi skye

Just sent you a little message via Lou's thread, but wanted to come on here and say that you have really dodged a bullet with this MM tosser. Shallow, shallow, shallow.

As I said on Lou's thread, I hope you will now cut him dead - how dare he say that he expects you to keep up the email contact after the way he has treated you? Because he likes it? Big bloody deal.

Makes you wonder why his W had an affair. Did she perhaps put on a couple of pounds and expect himto love her just the same? A flight of fancy, maybe, but all the same.........

tosser, tosser, tosser....DETACH, DETACH, DETACH!

And thanks

skyebluesapphire Mon 19-Nov-12 19:03:09

Thanks. Am feeling a little bit crap and a bit sorry for myself today.... i thought that I had been honest with him and he kept saying it didnt matter, then sees some different pics and suddenly it does matter....

Havent heard from him, so dont suppose I will again. which is just as well.....

I hope he finds what he is looking for because he was no oil painting.. short fat and bald in his own words, but I looked beyond that because he was coming across so bloody lovely!!!

so, from now on...... I hate all men... and that is it.. lol

stuffitunderthebed Tue 20-Nov-12 06:55:45

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Tue 20-Nov-12 09:09:18

Morning Skye how are you doing?

skyebluesapphire Tue 20-Nov-12 12:38:00

Doing ok... just feeling pretty sorry for myself.. we exchanged a couple of emails last night. He is truly sorry and says that he thought himself to be a better person than he obviously is... he really liked the communication and broke down walls talking to me, telling me things that he hadnt told anybody else etc. He really wants to keep in touch by email, but stresses just as friends.... He apologised for hurting me and said that he is an idiot.

I said that we have both learned a valuable lesson from it but it has also helped us both, as it broke down some barriers for him and also for myself, as I could imagine myself with somebody other than XH for once.....

Divorce is expected to be stamped by the court this week, feeling sad about that.... Mortgage application going through, looking at payments of £455 instead of £700 by remortgaging over 25 years again, but the same money would rent or buy a 2 bedroom flat and this way I can keep my 2 bedroom bungalow with garden for DD and one less upheavel for my baby to go through.

I am happy with my own company most of the time and with Mini Skye, but I would like somebody to share things with..... I miss that and I miss the contact with MM now.....

Have suggested to XH that we bring EOW contact forward from March, see how MS goes through December as she will be with him for 2 lots of 2 nights. If she is happy, then we will go EOW and I said that it must be kept to, that we can make changes for special occasions, birthdays, weddings, etc, but not just for a night out or work......

I still cant believe how my life ended up like this and shed a lot of tears again yesterday about everything, but life is still going onwards and upwards, there is no other choice

AntsMarching Tue 20-Nov-12 12:59:54

Skye - did you mean to say miniSkye's name in that post?

AntsMarching Tue 20-Nov-12 13:01:22

Lurker btw. Been following you from the beginning but never very good at putting into words what I'm thinking. You've done so well and have come such a long way!

skyebluesapphire Tue 20-Nov-12 13:15:38

DOH! done it again! have reported it and asked them to remove the name...

Ants - thanks for that and thats for the support.

When I read my early posts it makes me cry for the person that I was then... and Im still crying sometimes, lol.

What I cry for the most is the loss of the life that I thought I had, and the fact that my XH could betray me and his DD in such a cruel way. I want him to wake up one morning in a kind of lightbulb moment and realise what he threw away, but dont know that he ever will...

I know I have moved on a hell of a lot in a short space of time, but sometimes I need to catch up with myself....

tribpot Tue 20-Nov-12 13:18:10

He sounds absolutely dreadful, skye. What a complete wanker. It's almost like he's saying he hoped he could rise above the apparently dreadful problem of your weight but then at the last minute he couldn't. So insulting to you.

I hope you didn't attempt to make him feel better about himself and his [quote] idiocy during your email exchange last night. And bear in mind you have no idea whether he has form for this - breaking down (supposed) barriers and sharing things he's 'told no-one else'. It could be the bait to keep you on the hook - knowing you somehow have a bond, he just doesn't apparently ever want to meet you. (Cheeky fucker). He may be playing to your rescuer problem as well.

You seem to have taken it very well, though, and recognise it for what it is/was. The insight into how the EA may have begun may be helpful too.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Tue 20-Nov-12 13:33:58

Skye it is disappointing to get this knock back but you are right, you can only march on.

People who say, don't jump into another relationship just for the sake of having a boyfriend are right and we all hope you learn from counselling and are in a good place before you next date, etc etc.

But when you've been with someone for a long time and been used to sharing life and good times and bank holidays and slept next to and with that person, it's very hard to forget all that and banish every memory and not miss it no matter
how flawed that trust was... Understandable if it takes time to adjust and hope for something new to take its place. Will ex get a lightbulb moment, debatable! At least he 's stepping up regarding DD.

I think I'd bow out of any contact now with MM and focus on getting past next week. Any chance of roping in some friends and family, make sure next few weeks have some get togethers booked to look forward to?

skyebluesapphire Tue 20-Nov-12 13:47:29

I genuinely think that MM is just a bloke who made a mistake. Cheated on by his wife after 22 years of marriage, never been with anybody else, encouraged into the online dating world by his friends.... dismissed anybody who wanted more than friendship, told off by his friends, meets me, hits it off very well by email, thinks problem solved, have met somebody, gets carried away..... (ditto to some of that for myself I realise too.....) All the things that Donkeys says above is what he was missing and what Im missing.....

Its just a shame that he cant look beyond the outside. I am overweight, more than just a few pounds, but Im not hideously ugly or anything..... and not hideously fat either, we are not talking whale sized here..... but yes am outside the weight range that most men have put on his own profile picture made him look huge and I thought twice, but then the communication was so good, it overrode the picture. I have told him that as well....

I was honest with him , he just didnt hear it (typical bloke really.....)

Thats one of the things that the counsellor got through to me... that you react to the way that somebody behaves to you... so XH could never make a decision... XH never listened to anything I said and I got fed up with repeating myself.... so in the end I get stressy because Im sick of saying the same thing 4 times over and then he gets arsy because Im stressy....... He needs to take responsibility for his part in my behaviour.... if that makes sense...

In the end if I had something really important to say to him I would have to say - Are you listening to me, this is important! - I remember when we were going somewhere for lunch and I had mentioned it several times and he knew what time we were leaving home etc and then the day before he said what time are we going tomorrow? I said - I have already told you four times and Im not going to tell you again, I suggest you try and remember what we have already agreed.......) to him, that is me being unreasonable, to me, that is him being a complete and total useless prick.

This is why my life feels so much less stressed now, because I havent got him to run around after and sort out...... Im trying to see the negatives in the relationship and the positives of being without it.......

There are so many poor women on here where their partners are cheating or just walk out..... I try and advise as I see fit from my own perspective having been through this......

skyebluesapphire Tue 20-Nov-12 13:51:42

and as for things to look forward to...

off to Weston Super Mare this weekend with 7 other girls, going to see a Take That tribute band stay overnight and go to see Breaking Dawn (again). the following weekend, they are switching on the christmas lights in the town, so fun times with DD. The following week, DD is with XH, so night out for me, then Christmas party for DD with friends the next night, then the week after, school christmas fayre, have a meal with girl friends, might take DD to the panto, then the following weekend, he has her two nights, meal planned with friends, around 20 of us having a meal, then I think a client will take me out the following night for a meal (around 20 of us again).

so phew, a lot going on in the run up to Christmas and beyond. He has her the two days after boxing day, so I can get another night out on the Friday if I want to (and if I can afford to, Ive got no idea how Im going to pay for all this stuff but will find the money from somewhere!

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Tue 20-Nov-12 13:56:11

Excellent, just what the doctor ordered.

captainmummy Tue 20-Nov-12 14:42:49

Just seen your crappy news Skye - to me it sounds lkie he is just happy to have an email relationship. Once you start to talk about meeting, real life gets scary, so he comes up with an excuse - any excuse. How awful for you.

Keep busy - that's the best way! Sounds like it will take you up to New YEar

skyebluesapphire Tue 20-Nov-12 19:05:40

We were getting on so well I did suggest never meeting in case it ruined everything grin.

It's easy to get carried away when somebody saying all the things you want to hear.....

MS is making cards. She has made one for daddy. Just looked at it and she's used stickers that say on your wedding day.... Can I cross that out and write divorce instead?!

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Tue 20-Nov-12 22:43:23

Wedding Day one could freak OW out if she sees it!

skyebluesapphire Wed 21-Nov-12 00:37:07

MS drew a picture at school today, usual 4yo style of pic, (no idea what it is meant to be), but she said it is her family. There is a big mop of hair and 4 legs which is apparantly her and something that looks like a spider (8 legs) that is meant to be me.

So that is how she sees our family... me and her... which is exactly what it is....

oh the price her father will pay for walking out on his gorgeous little MS. He will never have these moments and he will never ever be as close to her as I am now. He will get cuddles on the sofa and cuddles in bed on his weekends, but he wont get the day to day things that i get.

Oh I hope Karma gets him and I hope it gets him good and soon too...

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Wed 21-Nov-12 00:59:07

He can at least be a good dad where he failed as a husband though I think she'll do better having you as a role model when it comes to being open, facing up to things and not duplicitous. Am sure he had some good qualities or you'd never have married him. Whoever he ends up with she'd better be on the alert for an EA.

Well he's made his own bed as they say and for you to live well is the best revenge.

skyebluesapphire Wed 21-Nov-12 11:37:51

When we met, he was loving, caring, generous, kind, affectionate, trustworthy, loyal..... He used to talk to me and ask me if something was wrong.... he was always shy and anti social... but I made up for his lack of talking, lol

Since MS came along and life became very different, we both changed I suppose. I went from working full time in an office environment, to spending 12 months at home with MS, then working 2 days a week and trying to juggle everything. I got more stressed out and he was unable to deal with that and support me.

Actually, he wasnt trustworthy, as when we met we had a lot of problems caused by his debt. I put a load of it on a 0% credit card in my name to help him, then he used the old card and ran up the same again. That was nearly the end of us then. It was only because his mate told him that he was a twat and I was right, that things became ok again. If his mate hadnt said that, he wouldnt have thought he had done anything wrong..... I took a huge chance letting a bloke I had only known for a few months move in with me and then pay off his debts, but I loved him and I trusted him...

He did deceive me over the years from time to time, but always about money and things he had bought, never ever OW.

I wanted us to spend our time together outside of work, especially once we had a child, and he used to be the same, but at some point, changed.

I was thinking about him earlier and why did he do this, why did he do that, but I then tell myself, that he couldnt support me and that I am better off without him.

MS was given a birthday party invite today and its on a morning when she is with him. I know that he wont take he, so she will miss it.... I feel sad for her that because she needs to spend time with him, she will miss out on a lot of things that her friends go to..

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Wed 21-Nov-12 17:00:39

If he definitely won't take her, (is it a distance issue?) I guess the next best thing is for her to give birthday child a wee gift and say how sorry she is to miss out. If it's a close pal perhaps the parents know your situation and if not, well not for you to make excuses for her dad but just say sorry she can't come along, it doesn't work for her that weekend, (classic MN useful get out phrase).

Xales Wed 21-Nov-12 17:17:42

Can you invite the birthday girl around for a high tea? Little crust less sandwiches small cake things?

Not the same but special.

skyebluesapphire Wed 21-Nov-12 18:52:04

I emailed him to say would he take her to the party, he said yes or that I could take her and he would pick her up.. so I reminded him that she is staying with him the night before....... then he said he would think about what to do

so i emailed him back and said why dont we just scrap that weekend and you have her the weekend after....

no response to that as of yet, still its only been 6 hours....

he actually managed to bring her back 5 minutes early tonight!!! it will probably snow now

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Wed 21-Nov-12 18:59:17

only been 6 hours lol Mr Decisive as ever!

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