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I've gone into complete panic mode. Verging on hibernation mode. Please help.

(1000 Posts)
JackieandJudy Sun 15-Jul-12 15:39:00

Dh is ill, and has been since just after we met. Over the years we've had so much to deal with, and I think it would be fair to say that I have dealt with most of it reasonably well (I'm generally ok at coping when things are going wrong, it's usually afterwards I have a bit of a wobble).

The situation is slightly different this time in that, instead of finding ourselves in the middle of an emergency, he has a planned operation coming up for next Monday. And I'm so bloody scared. The odds we have been given are not good. I can't stop thinking about Monday and am constantly doing the "what if ...?" thing. The elder dc know it's serious stuff coming up and are scared themselves, hence are looking to us for guidance and reassurance. I've tried but today I'm all out of trying and have locked myself in the bedroom. Smallest dc knows Dad has to go to hospital but is oblivious of the wider implications.

I'm shaking constantly. I keep crying at random moments (yes, that was me in Sainsbury's who cried when I dropped the apples!), I can't do this for another week. But I have to. I don't want to talk to rl friends as I will cry and I don't want anyone feeling sorry for me anyway.

But I'm happy to listen if any of you lovely ladies have any ways to help me get through this week, and possibly after. sad

perplexedpirate Tue 17-Jul-12 06:05:49

OP, I had a panic attack on Sunday because I have a cast on. Now that's a silly thing to lose it about. Your reactions on the other hand are totally normal.
I don't have any advice, I can only imagine what you're going through, but I'll gladly hold hands, if you'd like. smile

sadwidow28 Tue 17-Jul-12 08:36:47

Morning JandJ. Hope you are coping okay.

izzyizin Tue 17-Jul-12 10:24:33

Today's thought is 'A good plan today is better than a perfect plan tomorrow'.

Plan a good day for you and yours, honey

foolonthehill Tue 17-Jul-12 10:29:06

hi Op . the sun is shining here. hope you are managing to live life in the moment

Just to let you know it's ok and completely normal to feel the way you do in such a situation. Thinking about you and yours, and sending lots of positive vibes and good wishes. Just take one little step at a time, triumph in the little achievements and allow yourself time to cry as others have said. Be gentle with yourself. Hope you are managing to cope today.

takingthestairs Tue 17-Jul-12 14:18:25

Hi jackieandjudy, No advice to offer, just some love to send
<<<<holds hands tight>>>>

JackieandJudy Tue 17-Jul-12 17:16:20

Oh you're all so lovely and supportive, I can't believe how many thoughtful and caring people there are out there. You're all being so nice and you don't know me even - how did you all get to be so wise? And don't say"age" cos I'm old and it hasn't happened to me yet!

Anyway, we're going out for dinner tonight (all of us), as dh wants to have a nice family episode/event to help us ( think "us" = me really) focus on the good, not the bad. So i'm going to try very hard not to cry and spoil things. I will remember all the wise words on here and be brave smile.

Enjoy yourself tonight, throw caution to the wind and order everything from the fattening sections with lots of lovely wine.

And if you cry, so what?

How nice is DH? What a sweetie x

izzyizin Tue 17-Jul-12 17:57:44

That sounds very much like a plan to me - save the tears for tomorrow and have a great time tonight.

JackieandJudy Tue 17-Jul-12 21:29:21

Oh, it's back smile. Couldn't find the thread for a while there, didn't like the thought of losing all those words of wisdom.

OlymPicture Tue 17-Jul-12 21:36:21

Didn't see the thread on Sunday, and have no words of wisdom, just wanted you to know that someone else has read and is thinking of you all, admiring your strength and courage and hoping Monday goes well

JackieandJudy Tue 17-Jul-12 21:38:31

Well i didn't cry, I did laugh, quite loudly, however at ds2! Ds1 has just got back from Cypress, and decided that dinner was a good time to tell us about the toilet arrangements which are peculiar (I think) to the Mediterranean. Ds2 didn't quite hear him, and so I tried to explain by saying "they use bins". Cue ds2 saying, very loudly:

"Eww that's disgusting, they poo in bins!"

Couldn't explain what I'd actually meant until I got the laughter under control. Didn't help either that ds2 is particularly loud, and he picked a quiet moment for his exclamation.

JackieandJudy Tue 17-Jul-12 21:40:02

Thank you OlymPicture, I do feel so much better than I did on Sunday, mainly because of lovely word and thoughts of mn.

Just popped in to say although I have just been lurking, your experiences have touched me.
Well done for keeping it together, and brilliant DS comment made me laugh too.
How is DH feeling?

foolonthehill Wed 18-Jul-12 07:27:57

Good morning from the hill. .....thoughts are with you as ever and hoping that you can focus on good things today because each day has enough trouble of it's own.
with love

sadwidow28 Wed 18-Jul-12 12:55:24

Good afternoon JandJ. I am glad that you had a lovely time with the family. Well done DS2 for making you laugh. In fact, for making us all laugh!

Where's Izzy with her thought for the day?

julienoshoes Wed 18-Jul-12 14:15:31

Hello JandJ
I'm in the same place, my dh has had chronic ill health all the time I have known him. When I first met him, I really didn't think we'd have that many years together. Most of the time over the years, I have been okay. His medical condition is there, sort of parked in my head, if you know what I mean. But there are times when things have become more acute, that it comes out of it's parking space and is right there in front of everything. It literally reduces me to a heap of quivering jelly.
I've been lucky, I have one or two good friends I can speak to and just 'dump' they have all been prepared to listen and just let me say what i have to and cry it out.
Then I get back on with life with our children. Coping with their anxieties has been the hardest. All of them adore him and worry about him not being there to share their lives.
But you know what the years have rolled by and he has got through some acute phases, the treatment for the condition that we now know has caused the problem (and 5 of the 6 kids have inherited) have improved enormously.
He has survived emergency and planned surgery and we have changed our diet and lifestyle and he limited the decline.
He's still here with me, now aged 63, something I never, in my wildest dreams thought possible. The children are all grown and treat him with such tenderness, it makes my heart sing to watch them enjoying each others company.
He has to pace himself and rest up lots but we take every day as it comes and enjoy our time together.

I hope the outcome for you is as good as we have had it. I hope the op went well.
I wish you all you wish for yourselves.

izzyizin Wed 18-Jul-12 14:41:53

Here I am dear widow - hopefully, better late than never.

Julie's wonderfully uplifting post seems to have made a thought for the day (or afternoon as it is now) redundant but here's one which, although I'm sure has been quoted on this board before, seems particularly apt:

"It's not about waiting for the storm to pass, it's about learning to dance in the rain."

sadwidow28 Wed 18-Jul-12 15:14:16

A brilliant post from Julie. Thanks for sharing such a positive and up-lifting story. You and your entire family sound remarkable.

Izzy, I do like your thought for the day. Thank you. I hope JandJ takes some comfort from today's posts.

JackieandJudy Wed 18-Jul-12 19:12:59

Yes, lots of comfort. And I'm still in awe of all the wise supportive people that hang out here. Thank you Julie for posting, your story is beautiful, and if we make it that far, I will be everlastingly grateful. I'm so glad things turned out the way they did for you, and your dc sound wonderful.

I do have rl friends who know our situation, but I hate being the centre of attention - I'd rather be the helper than the helpee if you see what i mean. I find myself always playing the situation down or just not mentioning it, although my friends are very kind and willing to help. I have this fear of depending on people or having people feel sorry for me so it' easier to 'deal' what it.

Only I wasnt dealing with it earlier this week which is why I turned to you ladies (I'm assuming you're all ladies, apologies if not!). And I'm so glad I did because you have been amazing. I really mean that. I don't know what I was expecting but certainly not so much wise kind and caring advice. I feel so much stronger than I did at the weekend and here is the only place I've been talking about it, so it stands to reason that its from here that my strength has come.

foolonthehill Wed 18-Jul-12 20:57:48

and from inside you jackieandjudy, because you are and will remain an awesome woman!

JackieandJudy Wed 18-Jul-12 21:35:03

Oh fool, now you're just trying to make me blush! But thank you. Are you somewhere abroad by the way (just being nosey)?

sadwidow28 Thu 19-Jul-12 02:49:50

I am doing one more bump before I go to bed JandJ. I will be here for another hour if you need a chat and then the MN mornihg shift will be around.

I am so looking forwrd to Izzy's daily thought for today! They keep me going!!!!

izzyizin Thu 19-Jul-12 10:51:03

Good morning JandJ. Today's thought is one that many act on without thinking about it and that is to:

'Know your limitations and then defy them'

Hi Jackie, I'm really enjoying izzy's thoughts for the day too (better than the twaddle on radio 4!).

No advice (I'll leave that to the experts) just checking in really to give you a virtual ~~~neckrub~~~ and a smile

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