Difficult relationship with my mother

[OooohShiny]

I'm at my wits end I've always had a 'difficult' relationship with my mother and feel I have never been able to please her...there are times when I cannot stand her because she seems to push every button I have an make me feel like the worst daughter in the world...and then I feel so guilty about feeling like that about her.

I have tried to understand where I am going wrong but have obviously failed miserably as she is once again giving me the silent treatment after we rowed last week...and I really thought I'd done my best to understand why she was upset and empathise with her feelings. I've written below just a few of the things that she always brings up when we argue:

I'm always wrong and it's always my fault if we argue
I take offence at the slightest where offence is not meant and I am far too sensitive
If I disagree with her opinion then it's only to annoy her
I am always angry with her
We don't have a proper mother daughter relationship, I will do anything to avoid sharing my feelings with her
I obviously hate her

As I said at the start, I am getting to my wits end trying to understand how I can fix this

I don't even know why I'm posting this here or what I'm looking for in terms of advice

[mrscumberbatch]

At least you have acknowledged that the reason that you have these issues is because of her behaviour.

If you're going to continue to have her in your life in any way, you have to let go of your anger and just accept that things will always be difficult. But it's on your terms.

I know you have argued with her, but have you actually brought this up with her?

[HotDAMNlifeisgood]

when you and your mother can't be friends

[Kennyp]

I did an empathetic lol at "obviously i hate her" .... I abhorrrrrrr my mother and not speaking to her was the best thing i have ever dne. I have been in and out of therapy since sorting out stuff but i am in a better place than i have ever been. It is quite extreme though, i have been told .

It is very upsetting to have that non relationship with a parent and i really feel for you.

[OooohShiny]

I have tried MrsC, many times - it always ends up in arguments with me getting the blame for the way she is with me.

I bought a book on mother daughter relationships for us both to try and help us both understand each others reactions, I read mine and it really helped me see he point of view on certain things and why she reacts the way she does with some things but she refused to finish it, said it was repetitive rubbish and so we are back to square one again.

[OooohShiny]

I try to ignore her comments and I succeed 90% of the time but then she catches me and I react and get defensive and snap back...this is when the 'you're far too sensitive, you take offence where none is meant' line gets thrown at me

[buzzybee123]

you mother sounds like mine, I don't speak to mine anymore, had some therapy and I am now really happy with my life, if you get nothing out of the relationship then it probably isn't worth carrying on, she will not change, good luck

[HotDAMNlifeisgood]

I bought a book on mother daughter relationships for us both

If you ever read another one, do it by yourself, for yourself. You can't change another person, nor should you attempt to - I'm not surprised your mother didn't finish a book you'd bought for her in the hopes that she would change.

The only thing you can work on is your own approach, your own emotions when you interact with your mother. There is a lot of help out there to help you do that.

[OooohShiny]

Hot - I've realised that now but bought the book for her because after saying it had helped me she asked me to get her one and I thought it would help her understand me better.

I realise that I can't change her...I need to change myself and the way I react to her but I'm not sure where to start - that book you linked to looks like it would be a good place to start

[HotDAMNlifeisgood]

There is also the Stately Homes thread here for venting, sharing, and receiving validation!

[HotDAMNlifeisgood]

I am getting to my wits end trying to understand how I can fix this.

You cannot fix the kinds of upsetting statements she makes: there is no magical combination of words and actions on your part that will suddenly turn her into less of a ...touchy person.

The only thing you can do is work on accepting that she just is the way she is. In parallel to that, you can work on establishing what your limits are of what you will tolerate, and accept that you do have the right to disagree with her, to say no, to not be swayed by manipulation tactics... basically to accept and act on the belief that you are OK as you are, whatever she may say.

It's a tough journey. Good luck.

[Mother2many]

HotDAMN, loved your advice.... :)

I've cut off contact with my mother, and it's been several months. Yes, there are days I miss her...but I also know the evil side of things and how many times I get hurt...

I set up my limits with my sister and my mother...and I am soo glad I did!

Good luck...it is a tough journey OP!!

[totallypearshaped]

poor you oooshiney - of course you're at your wits end as you are taking all responsibility for the relationship and shouldering all the guilt she throws at you.

And you believe you can fix it.

Think about it - do you actually like her as a person - has she any redeeming features at al - does she bitch and carp about other people, has she friends.

If you just see her as another person in the world, you may gain some much needed perspective to just let her get on with her life without you - and you get on with yours, without her.

Therapy helps, also drawing circles around pictures of yourself and herself. One circle for you and one for her.

You are separate people, and have different lives to lead.

Live your life!