WWYD - Brother wont tell SIL about OW

[someonestolemymarbles]

Looking for some advice as this is eating away at me for some reason..

My silly silly brother had an affair, which by all accounts was building up for some months, but was ongoing for 6 weeks before it was discovered 12 months ago. DB and SIL separated immediately, there were no real efforts made to reconcile at all as far as I know and things between them have remained civil for the sake of my nephew/their DS aged 8.

Fast forward to now - he is still with his OW and claims to love her and wants a future with her. He also claims neither he or SIL have any intention of reconcilliation, although in their typical style of not talking about emotions/feelings etc, they've never really discussed it apparantly. They only talk about DS and always have done since before the affair and since she discovered it.

Issue is - he simply refuses to tell SIL about this relationship. She never asks by all accounts and they haven't discussed divorce. He has managed to keep OW away from everyone, including me/my DH and DDs and our mum, and she has certainly never been introduced to my DN. OW was single, never married, so there is no other family to consider.

He claims he simply cant tell SIL as he doesnt want to hurt her anymore than he already has. She has never really asked since the early days about whether he and OW were still in contact, but typical bloke that he is, he said he wasnt in touch with her (lies).

As far as I am concerned, he is essentially still having an affair - or at least, he is continuing to tell lies/omit facts which are only going to lead to more hurt for all concerned down the line.

My concern also is that what if SIL thinks there is a chance of reconcilliation and all this hope is misplaced? Or what if DB could be working on a reconcilliation but is hampering that chance by still focussing all his spare energy on OW?

Why can't he just stop telling lies and be open with her?

I really really want to tell SIL as I cant bear for her to be kept in the dark any longer. I know this is probably a very bad idea and I need to keep out.

Tell me I shoudnt do it.

What would you do in my situation? And if you were my SIL, surely you would want to know your DH was in a relationship while you remained married (albeit separated) and especially if it was with the woman who cheated with your DH in the first place?

I know I would.

My DB is putting me, my mum, and everyone else who knows about him and OW in a very difficult position and I'm starting to resent him for it.

Help.

[squeakytoy]

I really do think you should keep well out of it.

He isnt flaunting this woman, and your SIL knows about her, so it is up to her to ask questions if she wants to know.

[QuietTiger]

They're separated. They also need to sort it out between them. Speaking from experience, Don't get involved.

It is a very difficult position you are in - I understand where you are coming from because my DBro put me in a similar position with his DP and an OW (similar to your senario).

You are damned if you do tell SIL (Dbro will be annoyed at you), you are damned if you don't (SIL will be annoyed when she finds out). It's easier just not to get involved and deny all knowledge of anything and claim their personal life is their business.

[PfftTheMagicDraco]

They are separated.

it is none of your business.

[mumnosbest]

I think so long as he isnt asking you to lie or avoid the subject when it comes up then stay out of it. If they've seperated its over and not really an affair. I bet their ds talks about the ow to his mum.
Do you have much to do with sil? If so i think you need to discuss the issue with db. You shouldnt be expected to lie or omit facts on his behalf.

[ivykaty44]

sometimes you don't ask questions you don't want to know the answer to. For someone else to then force you to know the answers to the question you don't want to know the answer to is interfering

[Cherriesarelovely]

I don't think you can "win" in this situation OP. It is horrible. I totally understand your compulsion to tell your SIL as it is awful seeing someone you care about being lied to. Also, you are imagining if you were in her situation and hoping that someone would be honest with you. I was certainly deeply hurt and angry when I found out that lots of people knew my ex had been cheating on me but hadn't told me. However, in this case your DB IS already separated from your SIL and I think that makes all the difference. I would leave well alone if I were you. If you still see your SIL and she asks you about your DB I would tell her that you don't feel comfortable discussing him and his relationship with her.

[Cherriesarelovely]

QuietTiger said it much more succinctly!

[someonestolemymarbles]

Thanks for your replies.

QuietTiger - can I ask what happened in your situation in the end? Did your SIL find out and how did she take not having known straight away? No need to answer that if you don't want to drag it all up.

And mumsnobest - His DS/my nephew doesnt talk about OW to SIL as he doesnt know about her and has never met her, my DB would never dream of introducing him to OW without SIL's permission. I speak to her on occasion if I see her out and about and she never asks me what DB is up to in his private life, so I suppose I am not being asked to lie to her per se.

You are all quite right, it's not my relationship and I need to let it play out between them.

I just wish he'd grow a pair and start being honest - he was round here the other week when SIL called to ask a favour, he had plans with OW and so lied to her about where he'd be. I am all for not flaunting OW to her, but if she asks an honest question about where he'll be, I dont understand why he can't just tell her the truth. I'm quite sure SIL doesnt expect he is being celibate/has been celibate for the last 12 months so to me he is just insulting her intelligence.

But as some of you have rightly pointed out, if she wanted to know, she'd ask. She probably does already know and just wants to be spared the gory details.

[izzyizin]

If she asks you, tell the truth. If not, keep schtum.

[QuietTiger]

My brothers DP was actually a very lovely person (and still is a friend), who when she found out from her friend and she & I discussed it, understood why I just stayed out of it and didn't get involved. She was always very dignified about what happened and eventually repaired her relationship with DBro enough that they are now friends who meet for lunch occasionally. She's happy with her new DH, and DBro is still DBro, refusing to settle down. She and DBro wanted different things from life and his behaviour was a symptom of that.

The OW who my brother left her for, was a complete psycho bitch from hell bunny boiler, who turned out to be really quite a nutter. (Threatened to burn DBro's house down when he was away and all sorts!). She refused to "put up" with his lifestyle (he's armed forces and away a lot) and gave ultimatums. She then got ceremoniously dumped by DBro...

DBro and I are very good friends and very close. I don't like his behaviour, so now the agreement is that he doesn't tell me what is going on with his private life and I don't ask. I also feel really sorry for his current girl friend

[someonestolemymarbles]

Thanks for sharing that with me QuietTiger.....I'm glad it worked out for the best for your SIL.

Wonder how long it'll be before my DB's OW starts with the ultimatums, 12 months is a while to be kept a secret/kept separate no matter the circumstances. Then I'm sure it'll all come crashing down, DB will realise the grass isnt greener and want to come crawling back to SIL, minus any disclosure...

But that's a dilemma for another day...

Thanks ladies again, you talk a lot of sense.