what do you do when you fall in love but get nowhere fast?

[pinkredandpurple]

Would you try to influence the man you aer in love with, behave out of your comfort zone e.g. spell it out to them how you feel, try to do a lot for them, try subtle strategies..or do you just accept that it's not there for them if they don't seem to be in love, and then you have to very painfully let your feelings die? These feelings of love are rare, you know when you love someone and can easily imagine spending your life with the person, when you become a better version of yourself (genuinely) because of them etc, etc. It is excrutiating to just kill the feelings, but if you have to, how do you do it? should you wait/fight for someone for a long time or is it just not real life ? This is assuming of course that a man liked you or had some fondness but wasn't showing any other level of interest, and of course you are both single/divorced. Did you bare your soul or kept it to yourself, and what worked? Or possibly if someone had experience from the other end, and moved from lukewarm feelings to love due to the efforts of their other half? sorry for a dozen of questions, just wondering how funny life can be!

[LeB0F]

You tell them, and be prepared to move on if they freak out. And bear in mind that it is more of a fantasy and a wish for an imaginary future than real love. Real love grows in a relationship, not from afar. If the other person doesn't want that relationship, you have to let it go, and just take comfort from your capacity for affection, and trust that at some point you will find a person who will treasure it. Good luck.

[pinkredandpurple]

yes, wise words LeB, the last sentence. You could look at it as some sort of gift, capacity for feelings, it's just it doesn't happen often . But how much do you try/wait first, before letting go? I agree that real love grows in relationship, yet to start it you have to have these strong feeling of wanting one in the first place, so it's not a total fantasy if you did get to know the person over months, if not too closely. It used to be that men proposed without getting sexual/close/living togehter, but by getting to know someone as a person, so there has to be somehing there before you embark on everyday living!

[amillionyears]

I think you have to be realistic.It would depend on the individual.If they are continuously flirting with other people for instance that is not a good sign.
if they are constantly letting you down,trodding on your feelings,ignoring you for days on end,finding excuses not to be with you,all not good.
But if they are shy,genuinely have to be away for work for example,unconfident,these might be reasons to hang on in there.

[MissFaversam]

Think you have your answer OP, it shouldn't be that hard.

[solidgoldbrass]

Is this man giving any indication that he has any more feelings for you than polite or friendly interest? Have you actually dated him, or had sex with him?

If you are 'just friends' but you want more than that, it's probably a good idea to ask him on a date. Don't go overboard and declare your love out of the blue as this will make you look needy and mad - and you don't 'love' him, not yet. You fancy him, and there's nothing wrong with that, and nothing wrong with taking steps to initiate some kind of relationship with him - every relationship has to start with one partner suggesting at least a first date to the other.
However, if he leaps back in horror and says he only thinks of you for a friend/doesn't want a relationship then accept this. He doesn't owe you anything. Whining, clinging, stalking and begging will not make him love you, they will make him mock you, hate you and take out a restraining order.

[pinkredandpurple]

you don't mince your words, solidgold! I don't want to whine and stalk, but how to prepare him if I do ask for a date (didn't have courage so far due to unclear signals), so he doesn't 'jump in horror'? We are just friends, not close, but we do like each other as people.
MissF I haven't really tried to act on it, so it is hard but purely as I usually prefer a man to show initiative, so what's hard is thinking if I should do something. Ime if a man is interested he WOULD ask, and he hasn't.
amillion, this is what gives me some doubt, he is noticeably older so maybe he is not confident asking me out (I'm not a youngster btw). I haven't had dates for a year now and last guy was VERY forward, even pushy, I'm just so no good at asking people out. He never let me down in any way but then we weren't in such situations, but he's reliable generally. He has ignored me though in the sense of not initiating talk when I'm there sometimes, but when he does he can be very friendly and it's obvious he likes me, i.e. he gives appreciative looks, is warm etc., but not at all obvious that it's a sexual attraction. Again I'm used to men not hiding it. I know some women 'worked' on a man being very flirty/suggestive and it worked eventually, I just don't want to come across that I'm after a bit of sex. Is it best to do nothing?

[amillionyears]

I always think ,in these situations,you need to think about what you might lose.If you are prepared to possibly lose his friendship,and possibly a bit of pride,then I would say go for it.
I agree that it is not an ideal situation.
I suppose the other question is,do you think he would get round to asking you out eventually.And would you be prepared to wait another 6 months or whatever.
Had another thought.
Have you got a reliable friend who could ask him some leading questions to sound him out?

[solidgoldbrass]

Look, sorry, from everything you say, this man doesn't want a relationship with you. Or he would have suggested a date of some sort by now. He just sounds like a pleasant man who likes you in the sense that he thinks you are a nice person and he's willing to be friends with you and spend social time with you. And FFS you don't love him, you have a crush on him and he is under no obligation to reciprocate.

[OovoofWelcome]

I'm not so sure. He may just not be aware that you are a possibility in terms of dating/relationships. How much older than you is he?

He obviously isn't hugely interested in you at the moment, but it sounds as if he might be open to a date if he's single. He might think you're gorgeous but too young for him and nothing beyond that.

It can't hurt to ask him out but keep it light, confident and playful. Your feelings of love are a fantasy right now and have very little to do with who he really is.

I think you should stop agonising and go for it And then shrug/sob for a bit/get drunk if he says no, and move on.

[pinkredandpurple]

solid, yes I get your point about love, you said it once and I haven't repeated it since, so why are you getting angry what with 'ffs'? I said i was in love as it's a normal expression, i.e. I like him AND fancy him, not just one or the other. I'm not saying it's DEEP LOVE at this point, do I.
amillion, thank you for being a bit more balanced than sgb . I wouldn't want to wait for months, no. I suppose I could ask him out as I can face losing friendship (but do you think I would, just for suggesting going for a coffee or something?) though it wouldn't be ideal, and of course pride suffering not great, but it's not a BIG deal with pride. I once heard a man saying that shethought she had no chance with someone who was 15 yrs younger so he never even tried - but she did and it worked out, so from the age gap point of view maybe I should give it a go (very gently, no telling him I have a crush/in love).

[pinkredandpurple]

Oovoof, I'm about 15yrs younger, a bit more maybe, but he is/looks young for his age. Crossed posts in a way. I'm not unattractive by all means though no idea if I'm his type. Yes you aer right I have to ask confidently not in a hyper-sensitive way (ehich I'm prone too), thanks for advice! I can see it more from an outsider's pov. It's leaving it for so long that makes you stuck in limbo in your thoughts!

[MissFaversam]

Pink, therefore I'm sure at his age he would come forward if he wanted to?

Or are you thinking along the lines of.. Bless him, he doesn't get "signals"?

[coffeeandcake]

hi pink,
i am dating a man 16 years older than me. i think i had to give him a prod, as i suspect he thought that he was too old for me!
just ask the chap out for a coffee, without making too much of it.

[OovoofWelcome]

OP yes the longer we leave things, the more the drama takes over and paralyses us!

Go for it He might be delighted and surprised. And if not, you will have discovered that the sense of connection you currently have was a misreading. Either way, you'll be ahead.

Good luck (and come back and tell us what happens!)

[sarahseashell]

is he definitely straight and single?

If so then either he's not that into you or he's shy or he hasn't considered it because of the age gap. I'd write off much older or younger men on this basis even if I may consider a date with them if they asked.

If it were me, I'd try to engineer a situation to get chatting to him, try to find some common ground/interest or something he could help you with or whatever and weedle your way in that way by a non-date date just getting to know him more kind of thing because if he makes excuses not to you can take it he's not bothered. How do you know him is it from work or through friends or something? (sorry if you already said this)

[Mumsyblouse]

You are infatuated, not in love, it's like a giant crush where you admire the person and imagine they'd be amazing/right for you/have great values etc. However, you simply don't know if this is true or how well you would really get on if you were in a relationship.

You could suggest going to an event/meeting up, but I wouldn't personally do this, I would continue to be happy, chatty and a bit flirty in the hopes of being asked out, as on the very rare occasions I've asked someone out (once or twice ever), they've said yes but little has come of it afterwards.

[MissFaversam]

totally agree with mumsyblouse here.

[geegee888]

Whats his romantic history? Does he have one?

I ask because I spent several years feeling like this over a man I met at university. He seemed to like me, but never asked me out on a date. Followed friend's advice and asked him out. He agreed, tentatively, took me out to somewhere his friends from work were, then took me home again. I felt as if I were being used to make them think he had a girlfriend.

I persisted because he was shy. We spent lots of time together, often at his request, got on great, but never quite a date scenario. Eventually I tried to hold his hand, and I got the pull back in horror thing. Quickly followed by an attempt to hug me and the "I just want to be friends" line and "I don't want to give the wrong impression".

The "friends" thing just left me feeling more used, as if I was providing some of the benefits of a girlfriend (not sex but as in making him look as if he were attractive to women), but none of the support you would expect from a true friend - presumably because of "not wanting to give the wrong impression".

Eventually, thinking I had no real friendship to lose, I told him how I felt. He was non-committal, but signs appeared to be hopeful (he was always quite flirty for one so shy), but then it went back to the same as before. Eventually I lost interest. This seemed to irk him, but by now I had grown too familiar with his techniques in restoring my attentions, and couldn't be bothered any more.

He's still single, 15 years later. Never had a girlfriend. He is not gay.

OTOH I know women who have adored slightly disinterested men, got fed up after a while and turned them down, and then ended up in good relationships initiated by the men once they realised they were about to lose them. I'd rather find out by iniating something than always wondering, but be wary of being strung alone in the friends zone if thats not something you can handle.

Be very wary.

[amillionyears]

I agree with coffeeandcake.I would have thought you would rather know for sure than carry on with the fantasy.
if he says no,or strings you along,you are free,inyour head,to look elsewhere.