still think about his affair every day, feel so sad.

[woahthere]

since february. I'm still not over it, I still feel heartbroken, we were muddling along for a few weeks and then having a big argument at night time and then not talking for a while. It was always me who started the argument and ended up being horrible to him about everything and completely verbally attacking him. I felt so ashamed of myself for this that I now dont trust myself to talk at all because once I start, I cant stop, and something that starts off reasonable turns into a ridiculous rant and crying until 4 in the morning. so now I just dont talk when we go to bed, and we fall asleep in stony silence. Im so unhappy, I want to be happy again, I wish he would do something to make me happy.

[doublecreamwitheverything]

cant really offer any support/words of wisdom, but wanted to say i hope you feel better soon, i can feel the sadness in your post.

[chipsandmushypeas]

I'm so sorry :( Did the affair happen in February this year? If so it's still very fresh and you shouldn't be hard on yourself. You're probably still in shock and grieving for the relationship you once had. Have you been for counselling? It might be worth going for individual therapy first.

[Abitwobblynow]

Prepare for at least 2 more years of this hell. Really. You aren't doing anything out of the normal, for a traumatised person.

I think you need to say to him he HAS to go to counselling so he can examine why he did this and explain this to you.

I think that is non negotiable.

There are some very good books: Linda J Macdonald How to help your spouse heal. But HE has to read it.

She talks about the most important thing: he needs to get it.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

Get out of the relationship. Open the door and kick your unfaithful partner down the hall and straight onto the street. When the other person has shagged around but it's you that feels guilty for being angry then it's time to call it a day. You've done nothing wrong except be betrayed, deceived, hurt and insulted. Yelling and being horrible is a totally natural reaction. It is not your responsibility to forgive, stay calm or be rational..... however much you think that's what you ought to be doing. It is not in his power to make you happy because you will never trust this person again and you will never forget what he has done to you.

It is entirely in your power to be happy... by getting rid of the person that's making you unhappy.

[woahthere]

Thank you, 2 years huh, well I suppose it make me feel a bit better because I keep thinking that I should be over it by now, I feel like Im making a big fuss and going on too much (although Im not actually going on at anyone, just myself in my head!) I dont like myself anymore, i dont like our relationship anymore. I used to be so proud of him, if you'd have asked me about him, I would have told you he was the greatest man on earth before, and I would have meant it. If I went out with my girl mates and got chatted up by a bloke I would with a big smile on my face thank them but say that I had a boyfriend and I loved him because he was just ace. Then everything started to go sour last summer and things felt not right, but I thought it was me because I was a bit low and was having gynae problems and had been on various treatments and hormoney things that I thought were affecting me, then in January I started to get really worked up about our relationship and worrying about us as a couple. In February I found out, and have spoken on here about it a few times. So now, I dont feel proud of him, and I feel utterly insecure, like he could just go at any time and hes already got another woman set up. It makes me feel sick. Its made me completely reanalyse our relationship and now I dont know he was as great as I thought he was. Issues I ahve a problem with and have asked him to rectify for us to have a chance, and he agreed...but then drifted and didnt DO anythiing to change at all. He still works in the same place as her and its eating me up. I aske d him to get a new job, and he said he would look...but I know he doesnt mean it.

[Abitwobblynow]

Oh, you aren't married?

Go to counselling to explore all of this, how it makes you feel and what you want in the future, and get rid of him.

If he is doing nothing about changing then he really is not worth bothering with. He really isn't. Let him go and shag as many women as he wants, he is clearly still young and selfish, it isn't you.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

He has no intention of changing, that should be obvious by now. Why should you get 'over it' when the only person that seems expected to swallow their pride and smash what little bit of self-esteem they have left is you.... and he gets to carry on as if nothing had happened, bar a few platitudes that he tosses at you like scraps to a dog.?

Bottom line is that he is making you unhappy. If you stick around there will be more women, more unhappiness, more insecurity, more arguments and more silences. That's no way to live. Get him out and get your pride back.

Good luck

[MadAboutHotChoc]

Looks like he does not care sorry

If he really wanted to make a go of it, then he would be doing everything to reassure you, change jobs, cut all contact with OW, go to counselling to address his failings and issues that led to his affair, reading books, investing time and energy in his relationship.

If he is not prepared to work hard, save yourself from further heartache by kicking him out and then make a fresh new start.

[woahthere]

We arent married (which is one of the things that always bothered me) but we do have 3 children together and have been together for 10 years, and I kind of feel that if he didnt care he wouldnt still be with me, he just doesnt seem to know how to make things right.

[PooPooInMyToes]

He hasn't even bothered to change jobs!

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

Even if he was doing everything possible to 'make things right' you would still feel the way you do, unfortunately. That's the way these things go. First the shock of discovery and confession. Next the terrbile fear that everything's falling apart and how can you keep it together and make it right & get things back how they were. Then the relief and sheer joy, the happiness that he's still with you and hasn't chosen the other person. Fantastic

.... But finally, the horrible sinking feeling as you realise he's not sorry at all, not changing at all, is probably still seeing her, and that you've sold your soul so that you can carry on sharing your life with a lying cheat. That's what kills you in the end.

[GoPoldark]

You can't carry on like this.

This isn't about you getting over it. It's about him being prepared to try and undo the damage he's done - he isn't prepared to do that, so the damage is festering and getting bigger.

Do you want to be his partner any more? Staying 'for the children' is a bad idea for everyone, generally. Have a think about that (although as right now the 'picture' you are getting of the future is of a man who clearly doesn't give a shit about what he's done to you, I guess it might be hard to get a real picture of whether this can be mended).

How do you feel about an ultimatum? Make it clear that it isn't coming from you - but from him, in fact. He can see by now that the damage he's done isn't going to magically disappear on its own. So what does he want to do - change jobs, go to counselling and try to actually repair things, or carry on down the road to splitting, which is where he is now helping things head?

Finally - you know that it's ok to just say 'I don't want to stay with a cheat'? It says nothing about you other than you are a person with strength and morals. I would not be able to stay in your situation - I would never forgive and forget. Never. Even if I wanted to, I would never even try. I just KNOW that I would end up living the life you are now - hatred, despising him, screaming and sobbing at 4 am, punishing him, never respecting him again. For ever.

I'm sorry. I really feel for you.

[MadAboutHotChoc]

Even if he was doing everything possible to 'make things right' you would still feel the way you do, unfortunately

Cogito -not true, I don't feel that way.

OP - he is still there because he gets the best of both worlds, he still has his cosy family set up and his washing, cleaning, cooking etc done for him.

[woahthere]

he doesnt actually get those things done for him madabouthotchoc....we used to be quite equal about doing that stuff, but I would have to say in all honedty that I have become absolutely crap about doing and sorting all of that stuff out, and he does the majority of it. He isn't seeing her anymore for sure.

[MadAboutHotChoc]

That's good to hear.

Did he offer any insights into why he chose to have an affair instead of talking to you, suggesting counselling etc? Can you tell us what he is doing to work on himself?

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

OP... ... why are you being so down on yourself? I felt so ashamed of myself you said about getting justifiably angry at discovering a partner of 10 years can't keep his cock in his pants. It was always me who started the argument. And now you've become absolutely crap at dealing with household chores.. yet more self-criticism. At any level do you feel he was justified screwing around because you're not quite up to scratch?

[MarySA]

This is a really horrible situation for you. It is difficult to change the way you are thinking about what happened. But you can't really change what happened in the past. So maybe counselling, as somebody has suggested might help you to decide what you want for the future. If you want to keep trying or want to split up.

[MadAboutHotChoc]

Yes, it would be interesting to know how he justified the affair.

OP, none of this is your fault. Being crap at housework now is because you are feeling depressed and down thanks to your DP's treatment of you.

When things started to go downhill last summer, it was because he had met OW and was distancing himself, finding faults in order to justify the affair.

I would get Shirley Glass's Not Just Friends as she explains so well how an affair would have begun and what would have been going on.

Until you both understand what really happened and why, its very hard to move on.

[Abitwobblynow]

"he just doesnt seem to know how to make things right."

That's right. That is why you MUST insist on counselling, and get him to read that book.

This stuff can't be swept under the carpet. You have too look at what happened, and why; and most people need help to build those skills. If he gets what he did, then he can take steps to soothe your hurt and reassure you this wasn't about you, but him feeling hard done by, no sex etc etc. It isn't even about OW either they just get used.

[Abitwobblynow]

And this is the time to say what YOU want. Like, him showing you some fucking respect and putting his cock on the block and getting married.

If he still doesn't want to do the hard work, sorry you have got your answer.

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