Why am I like this?

[hopey]

Have been single now for 3 years and not had much luck with the opposite sex. Until now. Have met a lovely guy. I know he's not for the long term, but he is so lovely towards me, I feel he is going to be a good thing to have in my life. Someone to have a good time with. Last night was our first night together and this morning were getting intimate, all going well until I suddenly felt really upset and couldn't help but cry. I felt a right div. I don't know whats up with me. He was so nice about it and he's coming round again tonight, but I can't be doing this again. What do I do?

[maturer]

Be honest with him- tell him you are confused by your own reaction- try to work out in your head what upset you.
was it past hurt with men or a fear of getting in too deep and hurting again? or something different.
you say he's coming around tonight so he sounds a good guy- you haven't frightened him off and if you had he wasn't worth having in the first place!

I don't think you should ignore what happened or make a big deal about it - just try to be honest and explain- if he's worth it and wants to get to know you he'll respect that and try to help you understand your feelings.

enjoy yourself- he sounds lovely!

[Jackstini]

Hopey - how do you know he is not for the long term? Sounds like you may have been hurt before and you are putting up barriers to protect yourself?
Maturer is right - be honest and say you are not sure why you reacted like you did. Just agree to take everything as it comes and not worry too much about the future. Hope you have a lovely evening together and he remains a good thing in your life.

[hopey]

Thanks both of you. I think it is maybe down to past hurt. My ex used to put me down about practically everything. I think that where I had resolved most issues raised when he left me, the physical side of things and being intimate with someone has been pushed to the side due to the fact that this is the first person to come along since that time. He tells me all the time how georgeous I am, he has text me twice this afternoon already and he's coming over at 7pm. I think I'm just not used to all this. I must try not to put up barriers.

[hopey]

I have decided not to carry on seeing this guy. Its just not right. He is lovely to me but I just don't feel enough. Found myself getting upset again this morning. Perhaps I'm not really ready for anything and should stay on my own.

[MeerkatsUnite]

Hopey,

Perhaps deep down you don't feel "good enough" for him hence you pushing him away. Now you've actually met someone "nice" you don't know how to react. You push away because you don't want to risk getting hurt again. This is not itself your "fault" - your ex partner did you a lot of emotional damage which is showing itself now.

I would suggest you seek counselling for yourself and talk all this through with someone impartial. They may suggest something like cognitive behavioural therapy. You need to "unlearn" set patterns of behaviour otherwise you will continue to put up barriers.

I wish you well and do consider the counselling suggestion.

[Jackstini]

Hopey - how was Saturday night? Did something happen to make you want to stop it? Maybe you are just nervous about how to handle a 'good, proper' relationship after the mess your ex put you through.

I think counselling is a great idea, firstly so you come to terms with the way your ex treated you and accept this was wrong and not your fault, and secondly to have some guidance on moving forward in life and becoming ready to accept the good things that you do deserve, including a partner who loves and respects you.

You say yourself that you are not ready but it would be a boost if you can take the first step to helping yourself become ready.

Good luck

[hopey]

I think that maybe I do need some kind of help. I find it very hard to relax in intimate situations. My self esteem was shot to pieces when my ex left and it has taken some time to build it up. I'm still not quite there. Having someone tell me how lovely I am is nice, I just find it hard to believe them. There were some other factors which made me end things this weekend. There were certain issues which arose that I'm not comfortable with and he was getting too cosy too soon. I like my space and was feeling a bit suffocated.
I think I'm too used to being on my own and the thought of being with someone scares me.

[Jackstini]

It's bound to be scary - you are going into a situation you are not used to - someone being nice!
However, it sounds like you are ready to take that first step to get help though which is a great start. If you can, try your GP for guidance/referral or look for some local/voluntary counselling services on the net.
I look forward to hearing about your progress