HELP!! What do I do about db's xp (a bit of an essay I'm afraid)

[tangerinecath]

Around a year ago my db split up with his fiancée after a long time spent trying to patch up what was essentially a broken relationship. He left the house they bought together and moved into a room in a shared house. He has moved on with his life and is much happier without her.

It was very awkward for me as his ex is (was?) a very good friend of mine, she was the chief bridesmaid at my wedding and I have known her longer than my db has.

She was (imo) mostly to blame for the breakup as she wanted everything her way. There are loads of examples I can give of her controlling behaviour.

A couple of years ago she got a job which meant that she had to stay away a few nights a week as the commute was too far. She left him to look after a dog he didn?t like and to do loads of work on the huge house that she insisted they buy together as a DIY project while she was off having fun with her new work colleagues across the country.

While she worked away she developed a ?friendship? with her boss who started sending her dodgy texts. Db came across the texts and was gutted. She then told him she was confused, she had feelings for this other guy, and could he leave her alone while she sorted her head out. He did what she asked and made himself scarce, staying with friends. He went back to her but couldn?t get over what she?d done and the way she?d treated him and ended up leaving as all the trust had gone from the relationship and her behaviour was getting more and more bizarre.

She even hit him once, and she is not a small girl, almost breaking his jaw. All because he was talking to someone else in the house and didn?t acknowledge her when she walked into the room.

She is now telling him that she will only give him £1000 for his share of the house (A 5 bed detatched that they have done a load of work on). She has just forwarded him 4 months worth of mail, which included bills for stuff that they bought together, but in his name, that was left at the house. He is now being threatened with court action as these bills haven?t been paid, she had verbally agreed with him before he left that she would pay them, but said in a letter that she sent with the mail that she didn?t pay for the last few months because she forgot. She has also told him that she wants the house payment sorting out asap as she?s going overseas for a month. He can barely afford to cover his bills.

My db is handling this amazingly well and will be sorting it out via a solicitor.

My problem is that this girl used to be my friend and I?m dreadfully upset about what she?s done. Trouble is, whenever I?ve spoken to her since the separation all she has done is say how the whole thing is db?s fault as he was horrible to her when she was confused. Because of this I haven?t spoken to her for months but I really feel the need to have a go at her as she?s being so downright nasty to db.

She?s not the girl I became friends with, we met a long time ago when we were both teenagers, but as she?s grown up she?s become selfish and money-obsessed.

Should I get in touch with her and tell her what I think? I know I probably should just leave it alone but I?m so upset at her I?m not sure that I can stop myself from saying something to her.

God, this has turned into a bit of a rant, sorry, thanks for persevering.

[goldstarlover]

leave it... she's will be the ultimate loser in this. she has lost your brother, and you as a friend.

don't upset yourself by talking to her

[munz]

honestly if this was my DB, i'd do everything I could to be with him and forget the gf. If u see her in the street it's another case but I wouldn't contact her first. (mainly cos like u i'd wanna knock her out so easier to stay out of it)

consentrate on DB, and try to help him ensure he gets exactly what he's entitled to.

[MeerkatsUnite]

Forget about her because she's not going to take any notice of you (and given her propensity towards violence may even become violent against you). Support your brother instead.

[BudaBabe]

Write her a letter telling her exactly what you think of her and what you would like to do to her and how you hope her life works out (badly obviously!!). Then - RIP IT UP. It should have the same cathartic feeling.

The concentrate on your DB - sounds like he had a luck escape really.

[Somanykiddies]

It would be so tempting to tell her what's what but as you have already said she would only blame your brother and it would ultimately end up in an argument or worse! I'd leave it to the solicitor they know the route to take. Supporting your brother is the best thing you can do in such a horrible situation.

[tangerinecath]

Yes db had a lucky escape - if a woman had been treated by a bloke the way he was treated by her then there would have been outcry I'm sure. Luckily he is a sorted chap with a lot of common sense and he knows that he's better off without her. Every time she does something else to hurt him he says that it makes him realise that he's made the right decision to get away from her.

Unfortunately I live 150 miles away from db but we are in regular contact - he has been a great support to me through my own trials and tribulations and he'll be getting as much support in return as I can give him. The distance does mean that I'm unlikely to bump into the bitch from hell which can only be a good thing!

Thanks very much for your replies, I'm not going to say anything to her at all, just unloading here at Mumsnet and at my poor dh has helped me feel better. You're right Budababe, writing about a situation can be very cathartic.

[NotActuallyAMum]

I'd cut all ties with her too

And I'd make damn sure my db definitely got himself a solicitor to get his share of the house - £1,000 my arse!! Cheeky cow!!!!

[BabiesEverywhere]

Note to others. I'm TangerineCath's friend and her db is my dh best friend. So I have met the ex in question

Though I didn't know the whole story at the time, to be honest I am not surprised with the ex's behaviour. With the exception of the violence and that is nasty as she knew that your db is too much of a gentleman to hit a woman back.

I know you use to be very close to the girl in question and you shared a long history but people change and sadly not always for the better. Remember my ex-friend we had a great friendship for 20 years until she wanted me to drop my boyfriend (now husband) because SHE didn't like him !!! Some friends we are better off without.

Don?t forget this woman practically cut you out of her life 18 months ago at a time when you really needed her support. Hardly a real friend !!! You are a kind hearted and thoughtful person, it is a shame she hasn?t shown the same consideration to you and your brother.

Your db?s ex is a very stubborn person and it sounds like she is deliberately causing problems at the moment, I can?t believe she offered such a small sum towards his money and labour investment in their five bedroom semi-detatched house, with several rent paying lodgers. I bet he isn't getting his share of the rent either !!!

However your db is a better and stronger person and will hopefully win in the end. If he did want to play dirty, I bet he could force her to sell her beloved house now that would upset her !!!

I would not contact her at the moment as anything you do or say could be used against your brother if this ends up in court.

I like Buda Babe?s idea of writing and ripping up a nasty letter or alternatively wait until after the money situation has been sorted out and then post it ;)

If you need a shoulder, I?m only a phone call away

[Simplyred]

Some times life forces you to make these choices - it seems to me from what you say - you are siding strongly with your brother. I think any resonable person would understand that. I would not contact her again - and if she contacts you I'd say strongly lifes moved on we've moved on - we have no more to say to each other. Maybe as she will realize whats shes done - maybe not!