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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

When the perfect married family guy comes on to you.

74 replies

Onnoreally · 23/04/2012 08:43

Nc for this. I'm not a troll I won't reply for a few hours as I've got a meeting at school but would be interested in your help.

What would you do. A married, well loved family inlaw has come onto me, been cheating on his wife for years. Do I tell my husband? My usual answer would be yes, no secrets! But if I tell him, I'm scared of his reaction to be honest. If he will blame me, if he kicks off and goes to the family, will it all be my fault.

I'm not sure if we should tell his wife. As who knows if she already knows or not? It will just blow the family apart. I suppose this all links back to former sexual abuse as a child, by a family member. Which no one knows about I'm paralysed with fear of rocking the family boat, or getting the blame. Of upsetting the family.

I feel my dh should know, I just don't think I can face telling him.

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 23/04/2012 08:45

What you do is tell Mr Lecherous that you are going to tell EVERYONE if he doesn't back off. He has no way of knowing if you are bluffing. One chance.... and if he blows it, carry through your threat. 'Rocking the boat' is what he's doing, 'telling the truth' is what you'd be doing.

nothappybunny457 · 23/04/2012 08:45

if you told him to get lost, then there is no blame on you.Its entirely his fault.
However. I dont think that you should tell his wife. or your husband to be honest. It will force him to have to do something which as you said, will blow the family apart, and if you have already dealt with it properly, then there is no need for this.

newbie6 · 23/04/2012 08:46

Is it possible for you to tell the man that if he does anything like that again, you will tell your husband or his wife? Hopefully that may be enough to stop him behaving like this?

Hope you are okay.

Abitwobblynow · 23/04/2012 08:54

Did he tell you he had been cheating for years?

What Cog says. Simple threats are often the most devastating. 'Your behaviour = these consequences. Now, go away'.

DO NOT WORRY ABOUT OFFENDING HIM, OR WHETHER HE WILL LIKE YOU ANY MORE. He is a twat, and DESERVES your disrespect.

PooPooInMyToes · 23/04/2012 08:58

I would tell my husband if that were me. I wouldn't want to keep the secret and why should you, you've done nothing wrong.

If the family were to find out in the future they might be really annoyed that you didn't say anything and might also be suspicious of why.

Plus what if he gets in their first and says you came onto him!?

purits · 23/04/2012 09:08

He comes on to you but "it's all your fault"!?

AngryAngryAngry

You have done nothing wrong, you have nothing to feel guilty about. The victim is never in the wrong.
You have identified that this resonates with a childhood abuse matter: would it help to make this the time to resolve that?

Helltotheno · 23/04/2012 09:13

What do you mean by this? I'm not sure if we should tell his wife.
You've not told your husband about it yet so there's no 'we' at the moment... right?
Have you already been with the married guy? Sorry, I'm only trying to work things out from the tone of your post. How do you know he's been cheating for years?

If he has come on to you and you've rejected his advances then yes, you should tell your husband.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 23/04/2012 09:15

PS... when you say 'the family' are you talking about the wider family of in-laws and cousins or just Mr Lecherous's immediate family? If you tell your husband... and I don't see why you shouldn't.... wouldn't he deal with Mr Lecherous man to man? And why do you think he would take his side (or 'the family's side') over yours? Is there a history of him not taking you seriously?

HotDAMNlifeisgood · 23/04/2012 09:17

So what if he blames you and kicks off? If he does, let him. It will probably only prove to the rest of the world what a pathetic lying twat he is.

YOU have nothing to be ashamed of. So don't act as if you do. If you keep his dirty little secret for him, you will be sharing his shame, by protecting it. Don't.

Tell your husband, of course. And tell anyone else you choose, if you choose to. Again: you have done nothing wrong, and you have nothing to hide. Nor should you be responsible for hiding someone else's shame. It's not your problem.

BertieBotts · 23/04/2012 09:18

If you tell your husband and he tells the rest of the family (quite a reasonable thing to do) and it does cause a big family blow-up, none of that would be your fault, it would be Mr. Married's fault, 100%.

Also, what happens if some way down the line he gets caught out some other way, and then it somehow comes out that you knew previously but didn't tell anyone - then they probably will be angry at you, for not saying anything.

AliceInordnung · 23/04/2012 09:20

Yeah, I sympathise with feeling guilty about the consequences of blowing the whistle - been there, got the Tshirt, and the family fall-out that was horrendous.

I think I would tell my husband and leave it in his hands about what to do about it.

PartOfAWednesday · 23/04/2012 09:26

Bloody hell, that stinks Sad Angry.

So some creep comes on to you, and you have to wonder about whether to tell your husband in case he blames it on you?

I'd tell him, because otherwise that is making it YOUR problem. Get it in the open. If you don't, the married guy will know he's got away with it, probably keep doing it, and it might come out later in which case your husband might then very well wonder why you said nothing at the start.

If your husband puts the blame on you now - then sorry, but he's a dick as well.

PartOfAWednesday · 23/04/2012 09:29

Are you the only person who knows that he's been cheating for years?

Because if you aren't, then wouldn't that make it unlikely that the fallout will be blamed on you? Unless it's some awful toxic setup where everyone knows but keeps it quiet for fear of - what, exactly?

Original poster
Onnoreally · 23/04/2012 09:29

I haven't been with him no. I'm not going to. I refused sexting, naked pics all that. I haven't the balls to say outright fuck off that's the thing. I'm scared. I can't explain I feel 12. I don't care about him. It's everyone else. Their kids. Elderly relatives on deaths door who don't need a crisis do you see?

I feel like I'm 12 keeping this horrible secret to protect everyone else. Scared its all my fault. Not knowing what to say or having the strength to stand up for myself because he's a respected elder.

I don't know about my Dh. I think he'll be furious. I just don't know what to do. I feel so sick. I've got to go now to meeting and sort my make up out. I've been crying. Just I can't explain it.

OP posts:
Original poster
Onnoreally · 23/04/2012 09:30

Quickly he told me that he had. But no one knows cheating that is. Back soon.

OP posts:
21YrOldMan · 23/04/2012 09:31

Would you be the one to blow his family apart, or would it be the normal consequences of his actions?

Beamur · 23/04/2012 09:32

You owe him nothing.

Tell you husband, share the burden of this unpleasant knowledge.
If it does goes ballistic it is due to his behaviour - not yours.

Bunbaker · 23/04/2012 09:33

Just tell him you are not interested. End of.

21YrOldMan · 23/04/2012 09:33

And is it your resposnsiblity to protect him from the consequences of his actions?

TwllBach · 23/04/2012 09:34

Tell your husband.

Your husband loves you and will support you. Do you have a history of lying and making malicious accusations? No? Then your husband will believe you and support you. If he reacts by telling the family, then that is because he loves you and is doing the right thing by you. You have done nothing wrong.

Saying that, I understand why you don't want to say anything. I was attacked as a teenager and I definitely 'rocked the boat' when my mother found out. I also do not tell DP when people hit on me/make me feel uncomfortable (I know they are not the same thing) and it causes problems in our relationship because if he finds out, he is uspet that I didn't confide in him.

Tell your husband. You deserve to have someone to share it with and he deserves to be told so he can look after you.

I hope you are ok, what an utter shitehawk this person sounds.

PartOfAWednesday · 23/04/2012 09:35

Oh, darling Sad.

But you wouldn't have caused the crisis. You wouldn't be the one who upset Granny and the kids. HE is the one who is riding roughshod over all that. You don't have to carry that on your shoulders.

It sounds to me like this guy is replicating abuse that you suffered as a child. Your reaction here isn't logical, but (reading between the lines) is an understandable reaction, learned by you as a helpless child. But remember that you aren't helpless now. Nobody in this world has any right to treat you like that. You are as important as everyone else in the family.

TwllBach · 23/04/2012 09:35

Would you be the one to blow his family apart, or would it be the normal consequences of his actions?

This.

nickseasterchick · 23/04/2012 09:36

I didnt have the best of childhoods Sad similar situations etc etc -but what id say is 'if i didnt know better im sure youd be trying to cause a family uproar so look im not interested and if my dh finds out youve even suggested this -all hell will break lose- im not interested.'

If you can put it behind you -do so and dont tell anyone unless you tell your dh you feel a bit 'vulnerable' around him - if you can trust your dh not to kick off give him the gist etc and ask him not to intervene unless the other bloke pursues you.

PartOfAWednesday · 23/04/2012 09:36

(I'm sorry to say that I speak from some experience - assaulted at 10, told my Mum, who made me keep it quiet so that I didn't rock the boat.)

threefeethighandrising · 23/04/2012 09:39

Please could I ask, was the sexual abuse as a child by this same man?

Onnoreally, you have done absolutely nothing wrong. However you do need to tell your DH. If he's less than supportive, that's really is his problem, and not a reflection of whether you are in the right or not.

Do you have reason to think your DH won't believe you or is it past experiences affecting how you react to this?

I reckon you need to tell someone now. It may be that the longer you leave it the harder it gets to say anything.

I'm so sorry you're having to deal with this.