Hi Patchi,
I remember your thread the other day.
I really do see your dilemma and I think it's truly a little different for you, NOT as simple as 'just leaving' for a whole load of reasons.
So when you ask 'when couples split do they just do it or do they have more of a plan and make sure they are all sorted type of thing' - well some do some don't, it's completely different for everyone I suppose, and in most cases depends on why you split and if things are amicable... But NONE of that matters in your case - you have so many particular factors to consider that I don't think you can look to 'what other people do' to help you out. Here are the things that I have been thinking about with regard to your situation - I've been thinking about you today! - I hope it might help.
Firstly, you and your husband. It sounds as if things are over for you but there's a nagging doubt. That is natural - he's the father of your children, he is 'trying' - etc. What I would say is that, until/unless you get to the point where things have deteriorated so much that you literally cannot bear the sight of him, there will ALWAYS be doubt. And it's best not to get to that point before you leave (more on that later). But what I would suggest to someone who felt torn in this way would be - get some time away from him, the relationship, your daily life, and see how you feel then. My advice on what to do RIGHT NOW would be - take the kids and go away for a break - a couple of weeks, preferably longer.
For you I think this advice goes double because of where you are. You are in a country where women are defined by marriage and the man they are with. I'm not surprised you can't imagine how to move forward without him, having spent 20 years in a country like that. So I would say - don't just take a break from him, take a break from the sexist reality you are in (! - sorry - sounds heavy - can't think of a better way to put it). You have spent your whole adult life absorbing this, sit and think about it - a part of your reaction is one you have learned - 'what can I do, who will I be without my husband - nothing.' That's the reality where you are, but it's not like that elsewhere. So again - go with your children and get out of that culture, and get some perspective on things. To hear you worry about whether you will be invited anywhere if you separate - so sad, and so hideous. That doesn't need to be your life.
So, outside of the country where you are, could you go to family or close friends for say, a month? Is there someone - you say they are all supportive of you leaving - is there someone who would step up and be there? Parents, siblings? Where are they? Could they put you up?
This brings me to how you would actually go about leaving if you did leave. The first thing to say - what is the status of your children? You are British, they were born in the ME - where is your husband from? Is he British? What I'm getting at - I'm guessing that if you split, if he wanted to prevent you leaving with them, he could? Worse than that, could he prevent you having custody of them even if you stayed in the ME?
Be warned that I have seen many, many threads on here with so many women in shock, saying 'I never, ever thought he would be capable of doing x' when their relationship broke down. So if your instinctive answer to my question above is 'He could stop me, he would have custody automatically according to the law here, but he would never do that to me/us' - just stop right there. Think the worst. Honestly. This goes back to my point above - it's best to leave before things get to the point where you really can't bear the sight of each other. For your situation, with the type of law you live under, you really might be better off with the element of surprise.
You can see where I'm going with this. My advice would be: go for a visit to relatives, for a month, enough time to think through options and make a decision. And if you decide that you want to go ahead with leaving him, then don't go back. You may think that you know how he'd react if you told him you were leaving. I would bet you a month's wage that you don't. You already don't trust him. For goodness sake, whatever happens, don't put yourself in the position of letting him get a step ahead and preventing you from leaving by using the law to stop you. Don't take that risk. It something that women in this country don't have to worry about - for you, it should be the biggest consideration when you plan if or how you leave.
That brings us straight to two big things. Firstly, money. So that all sounds very easy, get away, make your decision with a clearer mind - then what? This is where you need to do your research (make sure you cover internet tracks). If there is a country which would be a very obvious 'better bet' to go for your visit to (presume EU) - then go there. If there's a place where you know that you and your children could have a home for, say, six months - then go there. Ask your family and friends for practical help as well as the support they've been offering - is there a temporary home somewhere where you would be eligible for any social help? This may have to end up being the UK, at some point - check it all out. Maybe post in legal, or expats? And your business. Could you make a go of it in any other location?
At the end of the day, you'll manage because you have to. I suppose a worst case scenario is you coming to the UK, going to a refuge, from there to temporary accomodation and after that social housing. And you would find a job, eventually.
Not a brilliant prospect in many ways. This brings me to what you would actually want for the future out of this. In many ways, the hardest part of all this is that actually, you are settled where you are and it feels like home. You have friends there. You moved there when you were a young adult, you know nowhere else as an adult. In a way, I think that's totally working against you. I would say that I would be almost certain that if you were to spend even a year in a country where women are NOT second class citizens, then your eyes would be opened. Do you really want to stay? You say your children have a brilliant standard of living there - do they? Do you have a daughter? Do you want her to grow up knowing nothing but the way a woman has to live in that society? To never get to have friends of both sexes, to never know equality in her own country? Do you have a son? Do you want him to grow up absorbing as a fact that women are inferior? You say yourself that 'you would never be able to meet another man' and illustrate very well how difficult a life it would be as a divorced woman in the country you are in. But you don't have to be that woman. You aren't a national of that country and you don't have to live that life. It would mean leaving behind twenty years of roots being put down and would be the biggest bravest thing that you have ever done. But I think that is the choice, really. Things won't get better within your relationship. Outside of your relationship, in that society, it would be grim. Your best chance for a REAL, fulfilling life would seem to be in another country - where you would not be curtailed socially or economically simply for being a single woman. So maybe that is the last point to think about. What is it that would keep you there, and is it worth the sacrifice? Friends can travel. And I can say too, at about (I think) the same age as you, after many many moves, new cities, and new friends - and we're not done with that yet - you are too young to settle for this if it's not what you want. It's worth the upheaval, you've got probably another forty or more years in you. Too many to waste. You WILL make new friends and a new life, you will. I am guessing that it just doesn't seem like that after so long living in the particular situation you have been.
Wow - WHAT A POST!!!!!
