Life after Domestic Violence

[nurseneedshelp]

Hiya, this is my first post so please be nice to me lol, i really need some advice please!!!

I seperated from my ex 6 months ago,we were together for 18 years and have two gawjuss children,a son aged 8 and a daughter aged 11.
I had been experiencing DV since i was pregnant with our daughter. The last attack was nasty and prolonged (witnessed by our daughter) I had a nasty head injury and ended up in A+E (where I work) and my colleaugues persuaded me to involve the police.
The DV unit were amazing,locks changed,injunction in place and lots of support. He has pleaded guilty at first hearing and will be sentanced next week.

I started seeing a guy that I work with quite soon after my seperation, weve worked together for 10 years and hes everything I want in a man!! We meet when the kids are at school and have had the occasional night away when the kids have been at their dads.
I realise its too soon but Ive been through so much stuff and he treats me like a princess which is what need!!

My daughter has seen a text from him and is aware that we are friends and states that she hates him (the children have obviously never met him and unaware that were in a relationship,neither is my ex)
My daughter is a complete nightmare at the moment, she goes into uncontrollable rages and her attitude is terrible. I try and make allowances because of what has been happening over the last few months but I really dont know how to cope with this behaviour.
Is it hormones?? is it because of the DV?
She is refusing any contact with her dad at the moment and SS have supported her decision, our son is unaware of the DV and misses his dad terribly seeing him on the occasional Saturday.

Also starting to think about possibility of introducing my new partner but realise that the poor kids have been through so much that its not going to be any time soon. My sister is a psychiatric nurse and deals with young people and thinks I could start mentioning him during conversations??? I feel its too soon despite knowing that this realtionship is going to last!!!
I have no intentions of introducing them to different men!!

My kids will always be my priority but Im determined that this will work after all of the abuse that Ive been subjected to, I would never have thought I would go into a relationship so soon but its happened I know people will probably slate me for it!!!!!

[foolonthehill]

I won't slate you for it. I would just take it really slowly and be very aware of your vulnerability and your DCs. Most of us who ended up with abusive spouses have a skewed approach to "red flags" and need to be very cautious ,however the fact that you have known your friend for so long is obviously encouraging.

Your DDs behaviour is normal. I would recommend you read the book "When Dad hurts MOM" by Lundy Bancroft. I have found it very helpful. If you have contact with local Women's Aid they have some helpful stuff for DCs too and may have resources to put into school. (also some online stuff if DD likes to do her own thing!)

Your DD will be confused that she loves her Dad, yet he did such a teriible thing. She needs you so much, but also will be scared that you will also disappear from her life. Her reaction to your friend is part of her neediness.

You will all get through this, but you need to be prepared to take the long road, your children have not had good modelling of relationships and need a lot of healing (as do you)

I wish you the very best for the future...you will emerge but it is still very early days.

I am posting and running as dealing with some stuff of my own (similar)

[nurseneedshelp]

Thankyou, thats very reassuring.
Im reading a Lundy Bancroft book I think its called " Why does he do that" but Ive given up trying to understand him I want to concentrate on my kids needs rather than trying to understand the reasons he treated me the way he did!!!

[DinahMoHum]

well done for getting out of that relationship.
I think you need to go gently on the kids wrt the new relationship. I would not tell them yet, and probably not for a while. Not because it wont last, but i just think it will be too soon for them, and it will make it harder to accept the new relationship, if not impossible while everything is obviously still so raw> im sure your new partner will understand.
Your daughter will be having the triple whammy of hormones plus witnessing the violence, plus the breakup to deal with. Its going to be so hard for her and for you. It might be worth looking into professional help for her

[cestlavielife]

I would ask gp about referral to family therapist who can talk with dd and maybe sessions with both of you too. You need to know what her fears are her behaviour is communicating her worries and "post traume/stress" .
If she has seen a text she needs honest answers . Keeping it all totally secret may also backfire . Difficult

[MyLittleMiracle]

Well done for getting out of that relationship, you have done well and do deserve someone who will treat you like a princess but tbh it does sound like your daughter isnt ready yet, sorry.

[cestlavielife]

Also of you known him for 10 years has it Ben as friends ie has here been occasions your dc have met him before anyway? So it would not be so bad to eg meet in park or something so they can see he is ok ?

But dd needs a chance to get her feelings heard and also boundaries set re behaviour

[cestlavielife]

Been not Ben

[foolonthehill]

Hi,
Had another thought as i was musing on your situation. There is a downloadable resource on the Women's Aid website to work through with children (age specific) which might be beneficial. I would also investigate whether school have a parent liason officer. He/she will have access to rsources directly.

Young minds have great experience and are available free, they will phone you back to discuss your options and help www.youngminds.org.uk/ you all move forward, although they are not directed at domestic abuse many of their councellors are excellent with help dealing with the fallout!!