Confused and dont know what to do now....

[vanillaskinnylatte]

Hi all - its been a while since I've been on here...

Just before Xmas I left my partner of 6yrs because had threatened me with a knife, whilst holding our baby in one arm & knife in the other. Over the 6yrs I was with him he did not help at home or financially and so let me to struggle. He ran up bills on my name and even when he did work, he did not pay for anything. Had our son and thought things would change...but he just lay in bed playing online poker and being generally unpleasant.

So in December I got rid and he was arrested for his violence with me. The CPS did not take the case forward though, as they said I had waited too long (a month) to report it. He was however still arrested as he was on probation for something else, and he had to spend 30 days in jail. Upon release he was basically on the street and I felt very guilty and sad for him...but stuck to my guns. I cried every night but really tried to be strong as I knew the relationship was just toxic and i was being cruel to be kind really.

Childrens Services came to my house as well and were happy to see that I was very stable and my son well taken care of. They had no issue with me but suggested I perhaps get a court order so he never see the baby again. I saw a solicitor about this and the solicitor said that would probably be more trouble than it was worth, and to be honest I didnt want that. My ex has anger issues and depression but he is not a total menace to society and if he can sort himself out and be responsible then Im kind of OK with him seeing the baby...BUT he had threatened to snatch the baby 2 or 3 times, so that made me at the time very concerned. So the solicitor sent a letter to tell him to stop texting me etc and to ask if he would agree to contact centre to see the baby, until such time as I could see he was changing and could be trusted. He agreed. That was in January.

I was in the process of sorting out the contact centre but every now and then he would text and say not to bother & that our son could "come and find him when he's older". Clearly an emotional response but very upsetting to me and he would also call me every name under the sun. So 2 weeks ago I told him that he would have to investigate & arrange the centre or take me to court. Told him that he would have to use his initiative for a change, rather than me doing everything all the time. He said he wouldnt bother...

Now he has texted me this week to ask if he can see our son at the weekend. Its his birthday and the only weekend he has off. He apparently started this new job a few weeks ago and says he cant do a contact centre becaues all the contact centres run at the weekends.

I dont know what to do now. I dont really want to see him because he will just pester me about getting back together....and then Im just a bit concerned if he is lying about the job and just trying to get around the whole contact centre thing. Do I let him see our son on Saturday? I do feel bad because he missed our son's first xmas and his first birthday. But does feeling guilty mean I should back down now???

Sorry for long post!

[Rezolution]

vanilla He does not sound very stable to me. I do feel the baby would be safer not to be left alone with him until much later on. Maybe it would be better if you kept him away from the baby for now. Don't be conned. Stay strong.

[NormaStanleyFletcher]

Honey. He threatened you with a knife.

I really would stick with a contact centre, for your safety and the safety of your little one :)

[NormaStanleyFletcher]

You are not denying him contact, you are insisting on safe contact

[oikopolis]

no no no no NO do not see him outside a contact centre.

you would be putting your DS and yourself in harm's way. and opening the door for him to argue in court that you allowed him into your home, so why shouldn't he see your son outside of a contact centre, etc.

he threatened you with a knife, and he is quite plainly not emotionally stable right now. don't let him guilt you into ignoring that.

[JustOneMoreQuestion]

He missed your son's Xmas and Bday because of his behaviour, and because he didn't get off his arse to arrange to see him.

Don't feel guilty that he missed out. It's his own fault.

Don't be emotionally blackmailed into putting your baby in a situation you are not comfortable with.
Imagine how you will feel for the hours you are apart.
That's HIS fault. Don't do it.

[NunWithADirtyHabbit]

Contact centres are open 6 days a week !

Dont let him manipulate you into doing anything that feels unsafe.

[tallwivglasses]

He could use this against you in the future, saying that you let him have contact, everything was fine and then you withdrew it 'unreasonably'

Well done for being so strong over the last few months

[vanillaskinnylatte]

Thanks for the comments - I know that the contact centre is the best way but I just feel sad that he hasnt organised things and he has in a way abandoned our son, because he has such a weak character! I always feel guilty about it, even though its all been down to him & his actions. I definitely wouldnt want to leave the baby alone with him. He wouldnt hurt him but he could snatch him if he's still suffering from depression etc.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

He's just trying to manipulate you yet again. He is continuing to be a complete tool and is just trying to get out of the contact centre issue.

Do not meet him under any circumstances. You could well put yourself and your child in harm's way if you did so.

[cestlavielife]

no dont let him see him unless is properly supervised at a contact centre.
your son is a baby and wont know any different.
it it his responsibility to pursue his thru proper means.

tell him to contact childrens services himself and maybe arrange with them for a supervised visit as a one off if contact centre not organized yet. .

[izzyizin]

I remember your earlier post and, regardless of whether it's Christmas, birthays, high days, holidays, or any damn day, there's absolutely no way this man should have any contact with your son unless it is within the safe confines of an approved contact centre.

He's trying to worm his way back in, honey. If you don't want to tell him that your decision is final, tell him that social services have told you in no uncertain terms that any contact he has with your ds is only allowed to take place in a contact centre and that you have signed an undertaking to this effect.

You've done exceptionally well in breaking free of this violent and abusive twunt - keep up the good work!

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

Don't feel sad or guilty and don't make excuses about his weak character. This is violent, unreliable, untrustworthy man that is highly unstable. He is very lucky that you have agreed the contact you have. Takes more than a few strands of DNA to be a father. Protect your son and protect yourself.

[vanillaskinnylatte]

Yes I will definitely stay strong and stick to my guns - thanks so much everyone for the support

[oikopolis]

vanilla don't try to make up for your ex's fuckwittery. you can't, and the more you try, the more you will found all your efforts blowing up in your face and making it worse. your ex WANTS you to feel responsible, so that he can manipulate you more easily.

it still sounds like you are thinking about letting him into your home/meeting him somewhere else. please don't do that. it would be incredibly, crazily foolish.

[oikopolis]

^ cross-posted. glad to hear you're sticking to your guns