Tired and emotional - just need to get it out, nothing serious!

[Lilyofthevalley]

Trying to get dd to sleep thru the night again, she's having some kind of separation anxiety at the mo and awake alot at night.

Last night she woke at 4:30 crying so I went in, did an hour of pick up / put down with no effect and eventually just sat by the bed shushing gently which seemed to be working.

DH got up a few times in the hour to complain he had to work the next day and question my methods of sleep training ("why don't you just bring her in to bed?" "Because that's what she bloody well wants! That's what got us in this state in the first place!") which is normal these days, god forbid he should help me at all, and the last time he came in he creaked a floor board when dd was just dropping off which woke her.
I gave out to him for being an insensative bollocks and he stormed out slamming doors and as noisily as possible he went downstairs to sleep on the sofa.

DD eventually fell asleep at 5:50 and woke again crying at 6:15, I gave up trying to get her back to sleep after another half hour and went down to get breakfast for her.

DH was snoring on the sofa so I kept as quiet as possible and fed dd and went back upstairs to play with her. She fell asleep at about 8am and I put her down in her cot and tried to get a bit of sleep myself. At 8:30 dh's alarm went off so I went down to wake him up, all he could do was curse and swear about how tired he was and soon dd was awake again so I brought her into our room and made a nest of pillows on the bed for her to play with some toys in while I rested my head.
DH came in and said "Isn't that teaching her all the wrong things? What was all that sh*t about last night if you're just going to have her in bed with you now?" And proceeded to moan about the tiredness, didn't even ask how I had faired for sleep and then left for work without saying goodbye.

Feel like I am doing this alone. It's so hard at the moment, I'm really tired and getting no real support from dh. I know he has alot of work on at the moment and he works so hard and I know it's even harder on broken sleep but he gives me no credit for how hard it is for me.

All I wanted this morning was for him to cuddle me and say "We'll get through this." or something, as it is I feel I have to protect him from dd and until now I have by cuddling her to sleep or co-sleeping with her in the spare room but I need my whole night back. I am exhausted.
I was so tired last night while making up the bottles I forgot to put the top on one and shook it without any lid on, the milk went everywhere! Need support or I'm gonna go under.

[Lilyofthevalley]

God, that's long. Didn't realise!

[Crystaltips]

How old is DD ?
What time did she go to bed ?
Is she sick ?

[colditz]

Right, this weekend, it is your partner's turn to deal with your dd on Friday night. He won't have to get up for work, or do anything the next day that you don't have to do, so he has no excuse. If he refuses, point out that he is refusing because he knows it is hard and is too lazy to do it.

If he tries to say "But she wants you!", point out that that may well be the case, but only because daddy has never got up with her at night before, and that when she gets used to him doing one night a week, she will be fine.

If he still refuses, you can quite rightfully tell all your friends and relatives he is a selfish coward who is scared of his own baby.

[Lilyofthevalley]

8 months, she was sick for 3 weeks until last week and I co-slept with her, now trying to get her to sleep all night in her own bed.
She has a routine of feeds and naps, goes to bed every day at 7pm and doesn't complain about that, she just wont stay there!

[Lilyofthevalley]

He says we'll share wkends, he sleeps sat morning, I sleep sun morning but so far he's slept every weekend and she's 8 months old now! He says he will get up with her at the weekend but when it comes to it she's crying and he's still sleeping and I get little or no response when I try to wake him. It hurts my feelings less to lower my expectations of him at wkends.
He claims the need to recharge before monday but don't know when I'm supposed to recharge.

[Crystaltips]

He's being a shit to you .... and because you are sooooo tired - you are not strong enough to battle against him.

Remember, It's in your interest and in DD's interest if you get the chance to recharge.

it's important for him to do at least one night - only for him to be more supportive when you are fighting this one man battle on your own.

HUGS

[LoveMyGirls]

im going through the same kind of thing except my dp is more understanding than yours, if he wasnt id have his guts for garters i know its hard for him too but we're the ones that actual;ly have to deal with it and find the light at the end of the tunnel - which believe me will come soon. my dd is 18 weeks and has just gone 2 nights of sleeping through before this she would wake between 3am-6am every 10mins with me just putting her dummy in and ignoring her unless she cried (i mean properly cried) not just a whinge here n there if she did properly cry i would give her a dummy or juice i do not pick her up unless she needs changing. There has to be minimal contact, no eye contact no talking at all, everything you do that gives her attention is rewarding her, i know most people wont agree with me and will say im harsh but i have no intention of carrying on with lack of sleep its not fair on my other dd. Everyone has different ways of bringing up their children and you look for the way you feel will work im just sharing what im doing just incase you want to do the same hth

as for your dp (who frankly im disgusted with) just try to sit him down and explain that you are both tired and you understand its hard for him but also its hard for you, im assuming this is your 1st baby in which case its a learning experience and it will take time to get the hang of it - like learning to drive it will come naturally soon enough. tell him you need his support while you are working on getting her to sleep through but it takes time and a lot of patience maybe he should spend a few nights on the sofa or at a friends if he cant give you words of encouragement because sometimes if he cant be helpful its easier to do it on your own.

my dp went through a stage of getting stroppy so i sent him into dd1s room so i could deal with it alone at least then you havent got him moaning in your ear when you're close to giving up as it is.

lastly please try to bear in mind that this is just a phase it will not last long before you know you'll be on here asking for advice on how to get crayon off your walls and the sleepless nights will seem like a lifetime ago.

[LoveMyGirls]

also would like to say that my dp has always helped at weekends it goes like this....
fri night- me
sat am - him
sat pm, he takes both dds out so i can sleep/ chill out whatever
sat night - him
sun am - me
sun day - spend day as family
sun night - me

sometimes we spend sat together too but 9 times out of 10 he will take the kids out and quite rightly so also if he gets home in time he will help out with bottles or bathing baby or helping dd1 with homework or whatever i ask him to do, its about being a family, my day doesnt end at 5pm and neither does his! he goes out once a week and i go out whenever i want which tbh is hardly ever because id rather stay in with him.

your a team you do things together and you get through it together if he doesnt want to do it then id be showing him the door! what a cheeky shitbag (sory to be so blunt!)

i really hope you get the help you need x x (((hugs))) just wanna say well done for coping so well for so long 8 months would have killed me !

[Crystaltips]

GOD ! Men make me sooo cross at times - Unless the world revolves around them and their tiredness/problems then it's not important ...

I reached the end of my thether ... I quietly / and tearfully explained that neither DD and I were benefitting from his anger and that we would be better if he was not involved in this process. I asked him either to move out - or to go and sleep on the sofa .... and I would let him know when we had sorted it all out ....

This "ultimatum" shocked him, and he decided that perhaps one night wouldn't hurt - whilst I got my sleep back and after that, he realised how hard it was for me !!!

The fact that we are going to sort it without him, was a real dent to his paternal ego. he realised that it's not always hearts and flowers

HTH

[LoveMyGirls]

also point out when does he get the chance to bond if hes working all week and leaves it all to you the rest of the time and when do you have chance to be a couple?

btw it is possible to train her to sleep by herself, my dd1 was 3 before i put her in her own room it tooks about a week of tantrums though which is why im not doing that this time round.

[Crystaltips]

Just a word of warning ... DH "gave" me a night off - but he was NOT part of the "controlled crying" ... he did not believe that it was kind to DD - so he let her sleep with him.
I had to bite my lip and felt - that although he wasn't doing it "right" - at least I was going to get some sleep.

Once I was strong enough I took over .... I only took three nights - with no help ( but a bit of praise ) from DH.

Remember - only ask him for help if he will abide by the rules ....

HUGS

[Lilyofthevalley]

He wont abide by the rules. He thinks I am being cruel and can't see the problem with just bringing her into bed with us, he always picks he up when she cries, gives in to her every time. I can see the bigger picture. I don't want a spoilt child who thinks that crying is the way to get what she wants, I want an independant, happy little girl who I can leave with grandparents for a night while me and dh have a wkend away (one day).

Thank you though for your support, I know it will be over one day and I will keep on going.
Gonna go out later for a book that's been recommended to me called Solving you Child's Sleep Problems and hopefully I'll find a method that will be better for us all.

Thank you again, makes me feel less like I'm on my own just to get some feed back.

[LoveMyGirls]

tell him if he wants to do the softly softly approach he can do it instead of making you do it, its a lot harder in the long run. i know my dd1 slept in bed with me til she was 3 and it was a harder to get her to sleep in her own room by then, give him visions of this...

waking up every hour putting the tweenies on all through the night just so she actually stays in the room. (only did that for the first 2 nights!)
she climbs over her stairgate and covers herself in pooh.
she climbs over the stairgate and the set of draws you put in front of it to stop her getting out.

imo far better to get her used to it now its less harsh on her in the long run. men - so hopeless at times! if he wont listen you will both end up having to learn the hard way. i really feel for you.

[melissasmummy]

OK, if you have heard this before, sorry, but what I would do is book an appointment that you WON'T change, i.e Hairdresser, massage etc & leave DD at home with DH so he has no get out excuse. He has to do it. Then after your appointment go & have lunch on your own & get some me time. Won't help with the lack of sleep but will help recharge you a little bit.

Once my DH went back to work I handled the nightime waking. If my DD was too upset/ill she would come in with us, I wasn't overly worried about her expecting it, I was more concerned that we (me & DD) got some decent sleep. Once she was asleep I would carry her thru to her room. She always seemed to settle in her own bed after the bout of illness etc. Now, at 2.5 she will NOT settle in our bed AT ALL! If I say for her to come in, she says "my room mummy"

IMO, they grow out of it as long as they know their own bed is for naps & intially going to sleep in. An hour pick up/put down will be exhausting for both of you!

[FrayedKnot]

I agree your DH is being absolutely no help to you whatsoever. The only way you are going to sort out what you want to happen at night is by being 100% consistent. If he can't help you in this, then you need to ask him to sleep in the spare room, and NOT get up at all while you are settling DD. Buy him some earplugs.

In return for this, he needs to help you out by allowing you to lie in on at least one weekend morning, so getting up when dd gets up for the day, taking her downstairs, and letting you stay in bed, until lunctime if you want. If he says this is too tiring, he can always go to bed ealier .

Can I suggest something? Maybe your dd gets into more of a state when you do pupd. My DS did. Eventually I found going in to his room, a gently reassurance, e.g. "it's sleep time now, off to sleep" and a minute or so patting and shushing, then retreating, seemed to work better.
It is also easier for you. Go back in as many times as necessary (e.g. every 2 mins, until she stops crying).

Mind you, my DS was older - I didn;t attempt anything much until he was around 11 months and didn't crack it until 13 months.

Until then I BF him back to sleep each time he woke (between 1-3 times a night).

[FrayedKnot]

Oh, and my DH wasn't much help either, and I only finally cracked it (co-incidence?) when he was away working!

It is actually easier to do it alone sometimes.

[Crystaltips]

How's it going Lily ????

[babyonboard]

lillyofthevalley..i'm having very similar problems at the moment.
how are you dealing with it?
i've just started to enforce some 'rules on what oh does and what it's reasonable to expect me not to do..
i.e if i've been out for a walk with the baby, and playing with him all day it's reasonable to expect the house will be a bit of a mess and no laundry has been done.
it all seems so obvious to us women but (some)men seem to find it really hard to equate bringing up a child with 'work'.

[Lilyofthevalley]

Hi, managed to make some headway with dh. I went to bed at 9pm to get a head start on the sleep but found it difficult to drop off and was still awake when DH came to bed at 10ish so we chatted about the situaton and I told him that I needed his support if not his help and he admitted he cannot help me on this one because he doesn't believe I am going about it right so I said okay, just support me then and stop criticising as it's hard enough as it is. He eventually came to see my point of view but then this morning when I told him how the night had gone he said "well she's been like that before, it's not getting better, she was just too tired to make the same fuss 2 nights in a row". Well, if that's his idea of supporting me....

DD did have a much better night. I slept in the spare room and only had to get up to her 3 times and she took only 10-20 mins to settle.
I've found that cuddling her for a few minutes and then putting her down and sitting beside her cot saying sshhhh until she's asleep works much better than pu/pd.

Me and dh seem to always come back to the same argument which is: He works 35 to 40 hours a week (BTW he doesn't get up til 9am every day as he starts work at 9:30 and it's only a 5 min drive!) and believes his job is over once he's done a day in the office and he's earned the right to go to the pub / out with his plane flying buddies etc etc, I work 168 hours a week and, without help from him can never switch off, never have a break, a sick day and I don't get paid (except in love from dd !!!!)

End of moan. I know I'm not the only one!!!!!! Just feels good to say it!!!!!

[Aloha]

You shouldn't accept this! It isn't universal. My dh is NOTHING like this and I don't think I am 'lucky' - it's what I - and every human being - deserves. he made that baby just as much as you did and why should you work all hours. Just stop doing anything for him. He wants dinner, he gets it. He sounds a tosser. I'm sorry, but this sort of thing makes me SO angry!
My sleep lady who came in to sort out dd suggest you stay by the cot but sort of out of sight, either on a chair looking away or lying on the floor giving hte odd pat and squeeze as reassurance. She says don't lean over the cot as this makes the baby think you are going to pick her up and she is then disappointed and cries harder.

[Aloha]

Oh, and talk to him about the deal at weekends. He is being outrageously unfair and he knows it.

[Lilyofthevalley]

The crazy thing is, he's not a tosser, in every other aspect of our relationship he is wonderful and we have been together for a very happy 10 years. It's like babyonboard says, men do not look apon raising a child as work. I honestly believe he thinks I do nothing but play with dd and post on mumsnet!!! Where as in reality I rarely have time to do either of these things!

Yes, not standing over her but lingering in the corner of the room seems to be working quite well, I guess I'll just have to linger slowly closer and closer to the door until she doesn't even notice I've gone or something!

[Lilyofthevalley]

BTW - you had a sleep lady!?!??? How do you get one of them? Can you buy them pre-packaged in Mothercare?

[Rhubarb]

I take it this is your first? Having a baby takes a lot of getting used to, and although I'm not defending his actions in any way, whilst we've had nine months to get used to the sacrifices we are going to have to make, they suddenly get confronted with this little pink thing that causes such a huge upheaval in their lives. Plus whereas once your dh could rely on you for emotional support, for friendship, etc all of a sudden you are wanted elsewhere and they find that very hard to cope with too.

I suggest that you get out for a night, at the weekend when he isn't working, and leave him with your dd. It is very hard when they don't sleep at night, on both of you. He probably thinks that you can get some shut-eye during the day when your baby sleeps, whilst he can't. And he does have a bit of a point here. I used to do all of the night wakings when dh worked because he had to get up and drive to work and then operate heavy machinery, it would have been dangerous for him to go to work tired. And I could have bits of sleep when the baby slept.

Make him stay in the spare room if it's upsetting his sleep. But you also need to sit down with him and tell him how hard you are finding this. Ask him how he could help - don't demand. Ask for his ideas of what to do when she wakes in the night, get him involved, don't shut him out.

[Aloha]

Then make an unbreakable appointment and stay out leaving him to look after dd alone - and ask him to pop the washing on and cook a meal at the same time. Then let him see how easy and relaxing it is.