Dealing with jealousy

[redwineandchocolate]

I am a jealous person, and I hate that about myself. I never used to be jealous with my partner the first six months or so of our relationship, I think because I was too besotted and excited all the time around him to feel negative emotions! But for the last year and a half I have been intermittently quite jealous. The silly thing is, I know I have no real reason to be. We live together, he tells me he loves me every day, we have a good sex life, and spend lots of time together. We're only young, still at university, so it's not a case of being insecure that I've got old or put on weight after pregnancy or something, IYSWIM! But I just get jealous for no reason. I try not to tell him because I know jealousy is poisonous in a relationship - but sometimes I do show the jealousy, e.g. I might say 'who's she???' if a girl posts on his facebook and he'll laugh and tell me not to be silly, but then I pretend to pull myself together. I sometimes am a bit offish with him if something's made me jealous, which I know is really bad of me, but I try to stop this when I realise I'm doing it.

But inside, I just feel jealous all the time, it's an awful feeling and I want it to stop. I have no reason not to trust him, and the rational part of my brain DOES trust him, but if he goes out without me (which is quite often as he's in the drinking rugby team at uni) I get this anxious, twisty jealous feeling in my stomach.

I want to trust him 100 percent because he deserves my trust. I knew him as a friend before we were together and he has always been very respectful of women - he's not the cheating type and the majority of his mates are men. I know in the past when I have let my façade of normality slip and acted jealously, it has really hurt his feelings - his mother is very nosy and always used to look down his phone when he was a teenager, and she has never trusted anyone, so he's told me before he's got a big thing about trust. He thinks there's no point in a relationship without trust and I know he's right, deep down. He's also always been very vocal about how he could never cheat on someone and if he did he'd have to tell them - whereas I'm the person who cheated on their ex-boyfriend throughout the first term of uni. (I know that makes me sound awful, but it was an awful relationship - just wanted to illustrate that if anyone has a reason to be jealous it's probably more him than me. I am also often very 'unconsciously' flirtatious, touching people's arms etc, which previous boyfriends have had a problem with.) But he never gets jealous and deserves the same respect and trust from me.

Can someone help me? How do I feel less jealous? Is this just a big defect in my personality that I need to hide from him, or is there a way to stop being so jealous? Please please advise me. I know jealousy and possessiveness is horrible and I wouldn't put up with it from a man, so I really need to get my act together. Help!

[puds11]

they say its the one that cheats that is the most suspicious.
maybe its because you know from experience how easy it can be to cheat, that you worry about it.

[redwineandchocolate]

Yeah I think you're right, to an extent, puds11. I do not think I'd ever cheat on my current boyfriend, though. My ex-boyfriend was very controlling, some would say emotionally abusive, and I acted out against that by cheating on him as soon as I moved away to university. He was my first proper boyfriend and I was a very silly, immature girl of 18. I'm nearly 21 now and in a much better relationship which is why I want to let go of these silly negative emotions.

[redwineandchocolate]

Sorry for the length of my post by the way, I didn't mean it to be such a ramble.

[Onesunnymorningin2012]

Have you thought about counselling to help you cope with your jealous feelings?

[redwineandchocolate]

There is free student counselling at the university... do you think I should try it? The only thing holding me back is that I imagine there are people going for the counselling for serious issues, bereavement,alcoholism and the like - will it be silly of me to turn up with just 'feeling jealous' as my problem?

[akaemmafrost]

I get horribly jealous and insecure. I just keep it to myself. It does no good to talk about it, adds nothing positive to what is a relatively new relationship. I could burst into tears every time I look at his FB and he has added a new female friend. Last week a female friend cooked dinner for him and I was edgy all night. He has a female boss that he has good banter with it and I find it hard when he talks about her. But what good does it do to tell him? None at all, it's MY problem so I have to deal with it.

Believe me though it's taken me years to get here and the knowledge that if they are going to do something they are just going too and your jealousy will not prevent it in fact quite possibly it will make it more likely to happen.

Don't know if that's helpful or not, just my own ramblings on the matter .

[hisgentletouch]

this is a very stubborn and complex issue imo. Usually something stemming from childhood - often if a father was unfaithful or left the family early on (simpllistic but true). It's not rational at all as even very attractive women with a partner who's in love with them can have it. I don't think they'd laugh at you at counselling place, this can lead to serious anxiety if not dealt with, to the point of a person avoiding relationships! it's great you can deal with it for free and early in life. By the way - aer you generally anxious, on any oter subjects? as it could be part of anxiety and also can be an isssue with a generally obsessive personality. Thetragedy is that often people who suffer from this end up cheating on gtheir partners, 'to get there first' - though it doesn't actually help to feel less hurt if the partner does cheat.

[AnyFucker]

"it's not that I've got old or put weight on after pregnancy or something"

that's nice

you need to pull yourself together love, because when you do do those things, you are goijg to have a fucking awful time

[BigGirlInASmallWorld]

I agree with the first reply. Experience taught me that I'm afraid.

[redwineandchocolate]

akaemmafrost and hisgentletouch- thank you for giving me such helpful replies, that's great. emmafrost, you have described exactly the way I feel. It's nice to know I'm not the only person with this ridiculous feeling inside! I agree with you it really is best not to talk about it with your partner too much. You seem to know how I feel.

hisgentletouch, yes that's interesting. My father was never unfaithful as far as I know to my mother. As far as childhood trauma the major thing is that I was relentlessly and rather horribly bullied from age 5 up to 11. Often I think things like this could have an effect - sometimes children would tell me 'you can play with us, but you mustn't tell anyone we let you play because you're not cool' and that kind of thing - I do have massive rejection issues. I have a skin disease, similar to eczema, that kids used to pretend was contagious - children would never touch me and treat me like a leper (they used to play a game like Tag that they called 'X's disease - i.e. they weren't allowed to touch me, ever, as part of this game or they'd catch my 'disease'). I suppose such massive rejection might affect me. I am generally quite anxious as person and I need to work on that. I wonder if the key issue, if I wasn't ALWAYS jealous, is in fact my anxiety...? It's difficult to know.

Hey AnyFucker, I didn't mean that in a horrible way at all. It's just I know my mum suffered from huge insecurity issues after having children and getting older - I suppose I meant that it's not a sudden insecurity, but rather a long-standing issue. I've looked the same and felt essentially the same since I met my partner, you see - that was my meaning. I just wanted to clarify the issue andwanted to stress that changes in the relationship or in my self-esteem were not the issue. Also it's evident that I was being somewhat tongue in cheek. I'll have a fucking great time in the future thanks, that's why I try to deal with my issues as they arise.

[redwineandchocolate]

Also AF, surely a jealous twenty year old with a boyfriend is a bit different to a forty year old woman jealous about her husband of twenty years? It's clearly a vastly different issue so I felt the need to clarify that. Thank you.

[RachyRach30]

Hi,

I wrote a message and it didn't send.

What I was trying to say is that this is about your insecurity. I think you need to be working onyour own confidence and self esteem. You maybe feel you are not worthy of him. Your self worth is low.
I think loads of people feel this way and it's not uncommon to be insecure.

Do you have supportive parents? Do they make you feel loved? How about close friends.

[suburbophobe]

Hey, I can relate to that. The skin thing.....

Could it be that it makes you feel less attractive? I know that's an issue with me. That's certainly a horrible thing to have to carry over from your childhood (mine started later).

I mean, if I hate my skin, how can anyone else love it?! kind of thing....

Yea, if the counselling is free, definately go for it! I've been held back by the costs and useless counsellors

[CreamolaFoamless]

Some folk are jealous ...

Some folk worry....worry that someone else is prettier , more interesting , more exciting than you

It's more about a bad mind niggle about you're own worth than anything else.

Speaking from the voice of experience

[AnyFucker]

OP, you buying into the fact that women who are "older" or have bodies that have experienced pregnancy are somehow lesser is contributing to your problems right now

because you if you think like that (even subconscioulsy, or "tongue in cheek"), you accept that at least a major part of a woman's worth is tied to her appearance

if you examine that attitude, you will see where I am coming from, and why you attracted a from me

[redwineandchocolate]

AF, I don't think a woman IS worth less or indeed should be by being older or uglier but the fact of society is that some women FEEL like they are worth less when they age and put on weight. It's not my attitude, but could putting on lots of weight make me feel insecure in my relationship? Maybe. I'm not saying that's right, by any means whatsoever. I am a feminist, not a woman hater. I'm just realistic about the way many women think about their bodies.

[redwineandchocolate]

Thanks to everyone else- I think insecurity is definitely a part of it, maybe I do need to work on my own feelings about myself. I just wish someone could wave a magic wand and make me NOT jealous! My skin doesn't help I suppose, but the real issues must go deeper than that. I am definitely irrational and insecure. One example is my boyfriend used to be a bit chubby and this year he has got really fit and toned - while I'm pleased for him, a stupid secret part of my brain is saying he could now find someone more attractive than me.... which is so ridiculous and paranoid but there you go! It's idiotic thoughts like that which are convincing me I really need to do something about these jealous feelings.

[redwineandchocolate]

I'm sorry if I did offend anyone with my comment about putting on weight/ageing and insecurity, it clearly came across on the screen completely differently to how I intended.

[SarahBumBarer]

redwine what you actually said was "it's not a case of being insecure that I've got old or put on weight after pregnancy or something". I read it as you acknowledging that it is something more of a deep seated issue within yourself than something transient which could arise from a temporary insecurity about looks at a particular stage in life.

I would recommend your counselling service at least as a first point - some of the issues they deal with with be quite trivial I assure you and something like this has the power to affect your relationships, studies and self-confidence.

[KittyAnne]

OP, without wanting to patronise, such strong feelings can be quite common in someone young. But do seek counselling. It can help you work through why you have these emotions.

[AnyFucker]

red you didn't offend me, but I did feel it was worth pointing out

such attitudes are so drummed into us by the rest of society, it bothers me to see another woman trotting them out, albeit unconsciously

[redwineandchocolate]

Yes, sorry Sarah I think I'm a bit confused about what I mean, myself!
Kitty, no it's not patronising, in fact it's nice to think I might become a calmer, more normal person as I age!

[solidgoldbrass]

Yup, definitely counselling. It will help. And well done, you have taken one big positive step already by owning your jealousy (ie not suggesting that if he allowed you to control every aspect of his life and never looked at or spoke to any other woman ever you might stop being jealous) and recognising that it is a fault and not 'romantic' to be jealous and possessive.

[RachyRach30]

Hi,


Have your parents, siblings been supportive of you in your life. Do they put you down?

[hisgentletouch]

if you are generally anxious, as you said, definetely go for therapy and explain that at the start. Jealousy is very much a side of anxiety, which may feed over-competitiveness. I don't think it's to do with looks at all - there are beautiful and widely-desired women who would go into irrational vicious circle when their (even chubby) partner looks at another woman - it's irrational and you feel 'posessed'. I think, definetely the childhood bullying contributed. Parental love also really contributes - and father's love in particular (was yours a bit distant, even if he did love you)? but yes, being unpopular with boys when a child could also ended up as an issue. Good luck with hterapy, so important to get a good cousellot though, choose someone really experienced.
I agree that putting so much emphasis on women's looks is part of it - this is why even very attractive women can suffer, as looks ARE unreliable and it's crucial to learn that they aer not as important and not as deeply LOVEABLE as your inner qualities. Looks can lead to desire, but love is something different. If you compete on looks you can go crazy (look at plastic surgery junkies - it's an impossible quest for perfection).