Mumsnet Talk

well I was on this very site about 10 years ago with same problem with dh though he convinced me he would change he never has, his addiction to online porn and masturbation has led me to despair - during the whole of my 17 year marriage dh has had an interest in porn from videos which we watched together as teenagers he has progressed to watching on sky and taping behind my back, sneaking downstairs in middle of night to watch and masturbate on laptop he has always denied it was him and blamed others !

I have tried everything in my power to help him we have always had a very active sex life so cannot understand why he needs porn so much. I even let him video us having sex so that if he needed to watch sex he could watch us, anyway whilst on holiday the week leading up to christmas 2011 i was looking on his laptop and noticed something called the adult hub in his history tab - when i looked at it i was mortified to find he had uploaded out private videos without my knowing and advertised us as wanting 3 way sex he had even emailed men and offered to meet them in the hotel i had booked for our wedding anniversary without my knowing ! i looked further into it to find emails to and from other users - at first he denied it and then his laptop died without any power cable so i had to put on brave face for rest of the holiday for sake of ds age 14 and dd age 10

when we got home day before christmas eve i went on my computer and put details in again and low and behold i found loads of other pics of us and video he had uploaded to more than one site, also found messages he had sent to other women on the site asking them to meet him for sex in hotels where he was staying on business, he told others how pretty they were and how he was masturbating over their pictures and videos you can imagine how all of this made me feel i went mad and stormed off in the car he sent me numerous texts apologising and said my mam had kids so i should go home and talk - i did go home but it ended in another slanging match and i went out again - i just drove around trying to clear my head - when i got home i found a suicide letter telling me he was ending it all etc i ran around the house no sign of him anywhere his car was still there and the only thing i could of was the woods at the end of our street so i ran down in pitch black darkness |(fell and broken toe in process) screaming his name he eventually replied and came to me and said he was planning on hanging himself !!

we went home and talked and agreed to get him help - i made an appointment for him to go to gp (who basically said - all men look at porn !!! and said his attempt at suicide was cry for help and didnt need medication) told him to seek specialist sex addiction councelling which we found through relate and also bought a couple of books - i tried to put block on porn on computers and mobiles but if you know names of sites they still come up only blocks if you search for porn words !

dh has been to 3 sessions now and keeps tellin me he doin well, however, i am very poorly at the moment with laryngitis and chest infection and have been ill since last thursday in the past 6 days even though ill we have had sex 4 times !! today i was in bed dozing as feeling really poorly and heard husband creeping around house i went downstairs to find him masturbating and wiping orgasm up as if it was normal thing to be doin in middle of working day !!

he says it is stress release but im just at the end of my tether i really dont know what to do - I think I should leave him - what would you do and why ?

Mazza, no one can tell you what to do. You sound as though you are still in shock at his betrayal and subsequent threat of suicide. Can you arrange some counseling for yourself? It sounds as though his threat has forced you to put on hold your (entirely justified) anger and sadness and focus on his needs. Talking things through will help you make sense of your feelings at this time, clarity on what you want for the future and how you can move on.

Get rid of your broadband. It's the only way you can stop it.

thanks Dione think i probably do need counselling too im just so hurt and angry with him, if we had no sex life i would kind of understand but we have an amazing sex life well i thought we did anyway xx

he works from home and needs internet access and i have 2 kids that need internet for school

That doesnt sound like normal behaviour to me at all. Very careless of the GP to be saying stuff like that as well. Suicide threats are a means of manipulation also so be aware of that. Yes, maybe a cry for help, or a way of keeping you in the picture and letting him do what he wants to do.
Personally I would never be able to put up with this. It would gross me out,disgust me and make me feel terrible inside.
Are you sure this is the environment you want your children to grow up in?

I realise this is an addiction but addictions can be broken if he will seek out the help and stick to it. It requires a lot of discipline. This is going to destroy you if you continue to live in it.

hi it does gross me out and makes me feel worthless and empty inside i really do not know what to do - im worred the children will hate me for splitting with their dad

my gut instinct is to leave ! but would i be doing right thing for my children

mazza do you enjoy the sex with him or not? Or is he just using you to fufill his needs?

Of course you are hurt and angry. He has betrayed your trust and he has violated the intimacy of your relationship. Yet it seems that he still feels that he has the right to your protection and nurturing. On top of that, you are doing your best to keep it together for the sake of your kids.
Get some help for you. You need it and you deserve it.

Take care.

I have just written another thread on a different subject but it is to do with mothers who didn't do what was in their childrens best interests when they were younger. do you feel he is a good father to the kids? Have the kids been affected by it at all?

allboxedin

I do enjoy sex with him though i have flashbacks of what he has said to others in emails and porn he has watched which sometimes hurts me and gets i nthe way

i cannot fault him as a father the children are aware we are fighting and keep asking if we are going to split up

Then switch the broadband off at 6 pm every night and at the week-ends.

You had this problem 10 years ago and nothing has changed. I doubt it will now. I guess it depends how much you can tolerate. He has betrayed you and he has used your own body without your consent for other guys to pleasure themselves with. Husband or not, I am sorry but love is about respect and it is clear he has none for you.

To me the worst thing is he put videos of you on the Internet without your consent. Well I'm not sure if the worst, as all is equally bad its hard to say what is the worst, but that alone would probably be deal breaker for me.

Op if you really want this to work you have a hell of a lot of of issues to work through.

He is violated your trust so many times.

Honestly, I doubt I could continue but it's your marriage but it almost seems easier to walk from this one as its just too many, many huge problems . He just is not cherishing you the way a partner should.

What has kept you together so far?

pornyissue,

the kids have kept us together this long x

How about your realtionship? Do you get on, is he good on other ways, do you still love him? Is there any other Unsavoury elements to the realtionship?

I must say you are more tolerant and patient than me, I would have not stayed this calm through all of this, so I admire your dignity throughout

thanks for that pornyissue means a lot x I have been with him since I was 17 we have had our ups and downs all downs it has to be said are porn related - after the birth of our 2nd child i went back to work when she was 2 1/2 i ended up having a relationship with my boss basically because we were going through porn again at home and my boss gave me the tender love respect and attention i craved it lasted about 2 years basically it was more of texts and lunch out we only had sex once in the 2 years, my husband found out i left work and ended the relationship, years after this my husband confessed that he pictured me having sex with my boss and that it turned him on !!!

i dont know if i still love him - im frightened of leaving him for fear of the unknown ! and my children and their welfare are all i care about - should i stay for them or is divorce best option i have no idea.....

its his 40th bday in june and ive booked a 2 week holiday in florida - do i cancel or do we go ?

ive paid £3500 already i need to pay another £2k in March - what do i do

He got turned on at the thought of you having sex with another man? That seems so strange, like he just does not treasure you. Most would be heartbroken, I cannot undstand that mentality.

Does your dh offer you the tender love and respect now or is it still AWOL?

I understand your frightened of the unknown.
But maybe just around the corner there is the lovely man of your dreams waiting for you.
It is scary but it could turn out to be the best thing you ever did.

You have one life.

What do you want to do with it?