Divorce mediation

[Joy5]

My husband left me 4 months ago after 25 years of marriage.

Two weeks ago he told me he'd filed divorce papers, and contacted a mediation company.

We've got our first mediation this week, and i'm so worried about what to expect.

Has anyone else had experience of it, and can tell me their outcomes.

[cestlavielife]

Mediation is a trained third party facilitating your discussions about finance children where you will live division of assets etc.
Don't be scared.
Think about how you think things should be divided what do you need for you and dc .
Write this all down.
This is what you will present.
Mediator will try and help you and ex come to agreement.
So start high so you can compromise down.

[swallowedAfly]

it might be wise to see a solicitor before this so you have an idea of what you are entitled to and what your options are before going into this. best to be informed.

[Joy5]

I had a free half an hour with a solicitor, who gave me some advice, but although i'm on a very low income, i'm not entitled to legal aid because my tax credits take me over the limit.

Which is why i'm asking for other people's experiences of mediation to see if i can learn from their experiences.

Thanks for the replies so far.

[IvanaHumpalot]

Joy - I think your H has to fund a solicitor if he has the larger salary.

I don't think it is unreasonable for you to get legal advice either at the start or end of the mediation process. This could be a topic to bring up in mediation.

You could write down what you would like in an ideal world, and see what your H agrees to. Then take the agreed document to a solicitor to check over. I'm thinking in case you have inadvertanly agreed to something which may have long-term consequences for you, especially if this is not a 'clean break' divorce. Specifically asset division of the house, pension and other assets/investments.

You may have DCs and need to stay in the house till they leave home, at which point the house may be sold and the assets divided. A solicitor would help work out a formula for mortgage and final % settlement from house proceeds. Likewise, you may not have build-up significant pension assets because of being a SAHM/PT worker. Or you both chose to forgo your pension for other investments, or your H could have a final salary pension. All these things and others a solicitor should bring to your attention, then it would be up to you to decide what you are happy with.

[swallowedAfly]

yeah, knowledge is power and all that. you can bet he has made himself fully aware before going into this and has decided that this is the most likely way for him to get what he wants - he wouldn't be doing it if not. you need to be very informed too and build into this process that you will need legal advice and he needs to fund that given he has left you in a position of economic disadvantage. don't agree to anything without good, legal advice.

[Joy5]

thanks for all the advice above everybody.

I've only just been to my second mediation session (for personal reasons theres been a big delay) and discussed our outgoings.

Somehow my former H has got his outgoings to a minus every month situation, despite having money to spend on his own social life, takeaways and new clothes as well as spending money on our 2 sons each weekend treating them to takeaways and outings.

So apart from paying our large mortgage he is claiming he is not in a position to pay us any more money just so we can manage.

I don't want to come across as greedy or anything, but i don't have any spare money each monthto treat my sons and i'm struggling to manage each month living off my benefits and my small salary.

Has anyone else had experence of their ex H doing this to avoid paying maintenance? And if you have, what did you do about it? I just want everything to be above board, and honest, maybe i'm niaive at this, but i've been honest in my outgoings.

[Wisedupwoman]

Joy5 I am very alarmed to see you have already had 2 mediation sessions and you are still woefully uninformed about the process. Can I ask you where you are having mediation? If it is with a general mediation service they do not have the necessary family law training to be able to advise you fully. The principle of mediation is that there is still enough trust in the relationship for both parties to honestly declare their assets both jointly, individually and with other parties (and you don't mention if there is OW). You have the right to choose a mediator yourself and there are solicitors who are trained mediators themselves and they will know which questions to ask when they hear a runaway husband suddenly doesn't have any money.

I'm sorry but you DO need a solicitor otherwise your stbx is going to trample all over you and leave you virtually destitute. Don't have another session until you have consulted a family law sol, and it's not correct that your stbx has to pay for your sols fees whilst you are in this process - I have been through this, it is over a year, we still don't have a settlement and I have a very good sol.

Please, find a way even if you have to borrow from friends or family, to fund some proper legal advice. YOu have the right to make your own divorce petition, you MUST get your stbx to make a full financial disclosure before you can make informed decisions and only a sol (or the court if he isn't playing ball) can make him declare everything honestly. I'm staggered that he has been able to just declare penury himself (as they do, it's par for the course I'm afraid) and he is not being made to prove his financial status.

Sorry, Joy but I hate to see insults added to injury like this. He is not the man you thought he was and he will lie and deceive to get out of his responsibilities to you.

[Wisedupwoman]

Oh, and why not try googling wikivorce - I'd do a link but it never seems to work for me. You can post specific questions on divorce and mediation and you'll get some good informed advice there.

Good luck.

[fiventhree]

Yes, and one more thought.

Surely a mediation service must come across this rubbish all the time? Shouldnt they look at INCOME rather than outgoings?

Everyone can say they need to spend this or that, and most xh's do.

[Wisedupwoman]

They should look at absolutely everything and I mean EVERYTHING from both parties with proof - including P60's, bank statements, bills, mortgage accounts, etc etc ad bloody infinitum I'm afraid, and not just the pathetic whinings of some errant H!!!