Has your relationship been improved by having children?

[latedeveloper7]

I think this might have an obvious answer, but I'm naive when it comes to long-term relationships & DCs, so...

I'm in my mid-30s and have finally met a man I can see myself settling down with (as the name suggests - late developer here!). He is in his early 40s. We've been together nearly a year and are thinking of moving in together within the next couple of months.

I don't have much experience with children - no nieces/nephews/cousins. I am indifferent to the idea of having DCs of my own. In fact I've never really thought about it, because I wasn't in a long-term relationship. Now that I'm with a really good man, people are starting to ask those questions about having kids.

The relationship I have with my partner is really good - the best I've ever had. I feel like I waited a long time to have a good relationship (previous boyfriends have been bad choices). Friends/relatives are encouraging us to have DCs, and I don't know what to think. I am neutral about kids. Will having children make our relationship even better? I don't want to ruin a good thing, you know?

Oh god, I don't even know what I'm asking. Come & tell me if DCs made your good relationship even better. If they did! I know I should be old enough to know these things myself, but I'm naive and inexperienced.

[Bongobaby]

Only you can make that choice. It sounds like you are in a good place with your partner. The test is how he is with children, have you sounded him out on having children and how he feels about it?

[CailinDana]

Yes, definitely. But then, I really really wanted children and I was confident my DH would make a good dad. I think before you have children you need to know your partner really really well and trust them.

Since having our DS, DH and I have definitely become closer. It feels like we have a shared purpose and we enjoy being parents together. I think that's largely due to the fact that we have similar values and priorities and we are very kind to each other, which is so so important when you're going through the tough newborn stage.

One warning though - be sure in your own mind that you definitely want children and that if push came to shove you could raise them on your own. Don't base your decision entirely on your relationship. It's great that you have found a good man but even great relationships don't always last. Your DP could be long gone in five years' time but if you have children you will have them for life.

Becoming a parent was the best thing I ever did, by a long long way. It's not that way for everyone though. Best to give it time and see how you feel about it in a year or so. What does your DP think?

[Latsia]

Will having children make our relationship even better?

Hell no. At least not in the early stages. Have children because you want children. It should be a joint decision - do you and he want to build a family?

[latedeveloper7]

do you and he want to build a family

Well to be honest, what we both want is to have a functioning long-term relationship! Neither of us have been married, he has lived with two previous girlfriends (I have never lived with a partner). We both want to live together, buy a house together (something we've also never done with a partner) and stay together forever (and yes, I know you can't always tell if that will definitely happen... we're old and well-versed in relationship breakdowns!)

He dotes on his nephews and says his opinion on kids was that "I guessed one day they'd happen" - so he's pretty indifferent too. But he also feels old to be a new dad.

[Sparks1]

They can make your life together more enriched.

What they certainly can't do is paper over any cracks in your relationship.

You both need to want a family.

[ashamednamechanger]

good god,no!

[bigbird80]

No

[sunshineandbooks]

Having children is one of the biggest threats to your relationship. Any cracks will be brutally exposed, particularly in the early years when you are suffering the effects of sleep deprivation, straitened finances and not enough hours in the day.

If your relationship is solid having children can definitely strengthen the bond between you and be a wonderful thing but it won't improve a relationship all by itself.

If you don't want children and think you'll end up having them simply because that's what most people do, I think you'd be doomed to failure TBH. If you love each other, it feels right and you really want to take that step, it could be beautiful.

You really need to talk to your DP though.

[Pornyissue]

For us, yes. The feeling of being a family is wonderful and life is so fulfilling, more than ever.
We love being parents x

[Devora]

Ha ha ha ha ha. No.

Not for the first few years, anyway. But after that, yes I think so - this wonderful shared project...

I would NEVER advise someone that having dc will improve their relationship, though. VERY high risk.

[BertieBotts]

I couldn't tell you about a good relationship, but I certainly found that having children massively brought to the surface issues in my bad relationship

On a serious note, though. I reckon that if your relationship is going to survive/get better on having children, you need to instinctively work as a team, to communicate, to approach all joint things - housework, finances, career decisions which will affect household income, etc etc as fully equal decisions and responsibilities, which does not mean designating one area to one person and the other "helps", e.g. with housework. You both need to value each other's contribution, and not be competitive (you're not working as hard as me). You need to be able to recognise when it's time to pick up the slack, and be happy to do that, and not resentful. You both need to appreciate the other picking up the slack when they do and not take the piss.

You need to be able to laugh, and to discuss things without arguments, and to talk when things are less than great and find a way forward together. You need to deal with stress in a healthy way.

It really helps to discuss the basics and ensure that you have a similar enough outlook to get you past the main issues - for example, if one of you is really strict and the other is much more laid back you're going to wind each other up over discipline issues. If one of you can cope with mess but the other is super tidy you're going to clash on this. If one of you is quite hippyish and AP leaning (cuddle babies when they cry etc, keep them close, breastfeed on demand) whereas the other is more routine minded and teaching them independence young, that stage is going to be hard. You need similar or complementary values, too. Imagine you have an 18 year old - what things would make you feel you'd failed, and what would make you feel you'd done well?

I agree totally you need to want children, not have them just because it's expected. What do you want, as individuals and as a couple? Would you be sad if you didn't end up having children? Have you thought about the effect on your, his, or both of your careers? Have you thought about who would take time off, really thought about it, including the possibility that you may want to go back later or, indeed, earlier than you thought?

It is rewarding, I won't deny that, and seeing your child with your partner and the adoration they have for each other is wonderful, as is seeing how they take on their traits as they grow up (this could also be a negative - worth thinking seriously about!) but it is a big decision and it will definitely have an effect on your relationship one way or another. Good luck! :)

[latedeveloper7]

Thanks all, you've given me lots to think about.

I definitely don't feel like we know each other well enough to have the sort of solid relationship you mention. After all, we've been together less than a year, and we've not lived together! I will be 36 by the time we move in (assuming all goes to plan) and I don't like this idea that at my age I have to rush rush rush. I want to do the things I've seen all my friends do over the last decade - live together, go travelling together (I've travelled loads, but only ever on my own or with friends), all that couple stuff. I imagine that by the time we've done all this, I'm probably going to be too old for DCs anyway. And that doesn't make me sad at all. Maybe that's my answer!

[NewPseudonym]

My relationship with my DH is about the same as pre-DC.

We were happy before, we are happy now.

I found the hardest bit was for around the first 3 months of my DD's life. It was hard being being sleep deprived with a baby who cried a lot (as I guess they all do!). We snapped at each other more and I think that if we were not totally on the same page it would have been a lot harder.

But that stage passes and it does become easier with time and more back to normal.

At 36, could you do one of those fertility checks to see if you are likely to have problems or not? I think lots of people have children with ease later in life, but there are people who also have trouble. Maybe that could buy you some time.

[fogottenandrioder]

What cailindana said exactly, word f.or word. In fact are you sure ds is not actually a Dd and you are not me sleep mning

[Notinmykitchen]

In my case my relationship is not better or worse, but it is very different after having DC. The first few months were a huge upheaval, and the whole relationship changed, which was pretty scary at the time. Now there is nothing better than seeing DH and DS playing together.

I think you and your DP need to decide if you want children, not so much in the context of how it will affect your relationship, but do you want them for themselves? If your relationship is good, children won't hurt it, but as has been said, it will show up any cracks. Definitely don't do it because other people think you should! Good luck with whatever you decide!

[CailinDana]

Haha forgotten :) Perhaps we're sharing brains, it would certainly explain why mine seems to work only half the time!

OP if you're not certain, then forget about it for the time being and concentrate on building your relationship and enjoying it. You never know in a year's time you might suddenly feel broody and start yearning for children. Being in a long term relationship, and living with someone definitely changes your outlook on life - you might find that a little bit down the road travelling and going out become less important and building a family feels like the natural next step. Don't force yourself into anything - if you decide that children aren't what you want, that's fine too.

[kodachrome]

Oh you don't sound like you want children particularly, so unless you start to feel different and actively want them, I don't think you should, especially when he's not bothered either.

You will come under social pressure and I daresay even nosy enquiries about your fertility etc - but it's none of their business. Have a reply ready and go after what you want.

I love my kids and they bring me joy, but they have tested our relationship.