Tearing eachother apart

[RoxyLady]

i had a miscarriage on tues. It was quite horrific. Went into labour and had to have baby removed by forceps.
Was back in hospital yesterday due to heavy bleeding.

Anyway. Ever since then my partner and i cannot hold a conversation without it escalating into an arguement. We cant sit in the same room. Is this normal after loosing a baby?

[Winniepooh23]

Didn't want to read and run. So sorry for your sad loss x

[Harecare]

So sorry. Maybe you should speak to your doctor or a counsellor. I'd imagine everything/nothing is "normal" after losing a baby.

[RoxyLady]

Thats true. Just wish we were united but i guess we are both trying to deal with our grief. We wanted that baby so much.

[kodachrome]

I'm so sorry.

[changeforthebetter]

That sounds so hard and just very raw. Have you spoken to your GP? You, and your partner, may be in shock.

Take care

[sunshineandbooks]

I'm so sorry you've experienced this. Of course it's normal. You've just experienced a horrible trauma and it's perfectly normal to be devastated, upset, numb, and overwhelmingly angry - including with the one person who shares your pain. It was only on tuesday.

There's no right or wrong way to handle this. Perhaps you might be better agreeing not to talk at all and just cuddle? Alternatively, you might find it more helpful not to spend time together for a few days. Could he or you go to stay with family or friends who will be really supportive? You particularly may benefit from having a sympathetic, understanding woman to talk to rather than your male partner. It can make a difference. In time you will be more ready to talk to each other, though don't be afraid to talk to a counsellor or helpline for specialist help.

Be kind to yourself and let others support you through this difficult time. I hope it's not long before the pain eases a little even though you'll never forget.

[AnyFucker]

I am not sure this inability to be nice to each other at this most awful of times is normal, actually

I have had 2 miscarriages and a shit load of fucking awful infertilty stuff

my husband and I completely pulled together, and if I couldn't rely on him to be there for me, our marriage would not have survived

I am really sorry, OP

this isn't a "leave the bastard" post...but really, what is he thinking ?

yes, miscarriage means you both lost a baby, and it is utterly devastating, but your hormonal state means you need more support, not less, at this time

if you have to spend time away from your partner to heal, I think something is very badly wrong

[21YrOldMan]

AF: what about his feelings? Most men are fairly emotionally immature (its a culture thing) and struggle to deal with emotions in a healthy way. Something like a lost baby will probably have screwed him up as well, especially if there's history that the OP didn't mention.

Emotionally immature men experiencing a massive emotional shock sometimes can't support their partners very well. Not ideal, but most couples don't have to deal with it. As they saying goes, hurt people, hurt people.

OP, I hope you and your partner come out the other end stronger. I think a day apart to give you partner time to process things (does he have any hobbies?) could do him a lot of good.

But at the same time, it's not ideal that this is what's happening. Try saying something like "we're both v. sad but i'd really appreciate lots of cuddles and no arguments for a couple of weeks- if that means we don't really talk then that's fine"

good luck

[AnyFucker]

I don't dismiss his feelings, 21

where in my post do I dismiss his feelings ?

a miscarriage is devastating to both partners, but as we know women invest in their early pregnancies so much more....hormonally and emotionally

OP should not be worrying about her relationship at a time like this, they should be pulling together and he may have to make some allowances for a while

I hope you are ok, OP. This is a truly devastating time for both of you, and you need each other right now

[Smum99]

I'm sorry for your loss - a miscarriage can be devastating for you both. I do think both of you are in the recovery stage, feeling so hurt and lashing out. Ideally he would be able to support you but often the other partner doesn't know how.The emotions involved can surprise both of you.

I think it takes at least 3 weeks to feel anyway better so you are in the very early days. Time does help to heal. I recall feeling sad and the hurt was overwhelming.

If you can both start to talk about how you feel that will help.

[SparklyRedShoes]

I think men do deal with problems in entirely different ways, since they feel obliged to 'fix' things and feel completely redundant when the situation is pretty un-fixable and simply entails acceptance. Whereas womentend to talk through their feelings in order to help to enable them to adapt to the reality as it is. I really don't think it's wise to separate out their grief though. They are obviously both heart broken and it will only lead to blaming.

I think you should both get counselling to deal with your grief. Please don't start pointing fingers at each other. There is no 'right way' to grieve for such a precious loss. Perhaps make a joint appointment with your doctor to start with, or try Relate.