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DW wont accept compliments - tired of vetting what I say.

11 replies

BeeHiveCity · 10/02/2012 22:10

This may sound slightly odd but my DW doesnt like hates compliments.
Even when we first got together 10 years ago. She hated compliments. From simple 'wow- that's great' on exam results, to saying that it was a lovely meal to saying that she looked beautiful. She hates them.
She clams up when I give her compliments, when her parent's give her compliments, when her siblings give her compliments, when friends or colleagues give her compliments.
She has no problem giving them.

But now it is really getting me down, I find myself vetting what I will say to her because she will clam up and go stoney on me.
She doesn't have a self esteem issue- she is actually very comfortable within herself. So it doesn't really fit.

I have tried breaching the subject with her many times but it is always the same 'I don't do compliments'
It is getting me down.

Any thoughts/ideas/experiences?

OP posts:

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AnyFucker · 10/02/2012 22:13

stop complimenting her

just have normal conversations

sometimes compliments can feel like someone trying to influence a situation to their own agenda, and actually be nothing about the person on the end of the "nice" comment

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ISayHolmes · 10/02/2012 22:14

She might not "do" compliments, but her reaction is effectively punishing anyone who lets one slip out and seem quite selfish. She could brush over it or accept it graciously, but clamming up and going stoney seems mean- you love the woman, of course you'll say nice things occasionally! Could you point out how it makes you feel when she reacts so negatively and tell her that, although she doesn't like them, you can't carry on tiptoeing around her? It's unfair on you.

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workshy · 10/02/2012 22:20

I hate compliments

I am always suspicious of them in a 'they don't really mean it they are just being kind/taking the piss/will figure out son they have got it wrong' kind of way

I also don't like being the center of attention -didn't get married because I didn't want everyone looking at me all day

I really lack self esteeme, have no confidence in myself can't spell and am painfully shy, but the people I work with think I'm really confident, nothing phases me, enjoys public speaking etc etc

could she just be a very good actress (or an extroverted introvert as my mum would say)?

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Amateurish · 10/02/2012 22:40

My idea: stop complimenting her.

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boyandgirl · 10/02/2012 22:41

I, too, struggle with receiving compliments. I want them, I want the attention, the appreciation, the recognition, but I don't know how to deal with them when I get them. I'm 45, and I would say that it is only in the last 5-10y that I have begun to understand that I don't need to analyse or believe a compliment, nor return one, I can just accept it unfussily with a smile, or a nod, or a "thank you". But it's difficult, and I still get snarled up.

I also used to struggle with criticism, in the sense that I interpreted things people said as criticism, when often none was intended. I'm not sure I always get it right now, but at least I know that I am prone to this misunderstanding, and can pause for thought before getting upset.

I wonder whether any of this would fit your dw's feelings. Sometimes I struggle to differentiate between compliment and criticism. Perhaps because I don't believe in myself? Perhaps because the statement may make me feel that the other person is making the situation be about how they feel, rather than what I have done? Perhaps because I don't understand what they expect of me, or what response to give?

I do know that the more I practice accepting compliments graciously, the easier and more habitual it becomes - and the more likely I am to believe and enjoy the compliment.

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OhdearNigel · 10/02/2012 22:45

Not the same but a related scenario for you

My aunt is a bit of a miserable old curmudgeon and always used to say " I don't want anything" when asked what she wanted for her birthday. Then she would moan about what she had been given. So one year uncle called her bluff and bought her nothing at all. She was even more annoyed and has never said "nothing" to a present enquiry since.
Maybe similar could work with your DW ?

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Sparks1 · 10/02/2012 22:50

Compliments are a normal and healthy aspect of any relationship. By not engaging in them you are ignoring the root of the problem and simply applying a plaster to a gaping wound in the relationship.

No one should have to vet what they say in a relationship.

You need to get to the bottom of her issues.

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munkysea · 10/02/2012 22:56

For some people the art of accepting compliments graciously is a difficult one to master for many reasons.

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piprabbit · 10/02/2012 23:06

It sounds as though the OP is trying to stop giving compliments already. The OP is unable to simply chat to DW - having to self-monitor continually to prevent any compliments accidentally slipping out.

It isn't a situation I would like to have to live with.

I think you need to talk to your DW about how you are going to solve this together. It does sound corrosive. Try telling her how the situation is making you feel.

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esperance · 10/02/2012 23:08

OP, does she compliment you?

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BeeHiveCity · 11/02/2012 11:09

She doesn't mind criticism and I would say she is a shit actress- she shows her feelings very obviously/close to the surface and finds it very hard to hide them.

It isn't just out and out complements she hates. E.g She will clam up if I or someone says anything positive about some food she has cooked - anything more than a thank you.

Yes she does give me compliments, she has no problem giving them at all.