Hi I have namechanged (obviously, given the name!). I need some advice on my relationship, what you guys think.
We have been together (not married) for 6 years.Moved in together as soon as I was pregnant with DS (2.5, planned by both of us). He is 9 years older than me, he is 33 and I'm 24. He works very long hours (70 hour week) in his family business and I work 18 hours a week and do 90% housework and admin stuff since he works such long hours.
We were madly in love for the first 2 years, happy and content for the 3rd, but things started going wrong when I was pregnant with DS. For the first time I saw in him some irresponsibility and at times quite extreme selfishness (like going camping 10 hours away when I was 37 weeks, refusing to consider my views on it, stuff like that). Things improved for a little while after DS was born but then got really bad again, lots of moments we almost split forever, huge arguments etc. Things got so bad between us he was away at his parents more than he was home, which just made me feel more resentful that he was avoiding things that I officially threw him out (house in my name) in October 2011, although he did still see DS (but not provide financially, I had to apply for single parent tax credits etc). Just before New Year we agreed to make one last go of things and officially live together again...
But I don't think my heart is in it anymore. If I think about him I just feel sad and upset, some love still there I think but not enough right now. We made concrete arrangements to solve the main issues which were causing such problems - finances and time - we arranged he would take a cut in hours to enable him to see us more, and I would work a bit more shifts with him doing the childcare, since his income is unpredictable and mine is fixed. But there seems to have been so many times he has made promises and not kept them in the past, so much hurt between us etc that I just cannot trust him emotionally anymore. Do trust him in a fidelity sense, but that's about it!
I hate his working hours, he is literally never around, and if he ever takes a day off he will do so sporadically without notice to plan anything (family business so he can do that). He will leave a little note or call from a callbox (another story!) to tell me he is finishing at lunchtime and he will bring back and cook dinner at around 4/5. So in effect he hardly has any time off, and spends only about half of the time he has with us. Rest of the time I'm effectively a single parent. He leaves at 8am, comes back at 9pm (sometimes 11 if he goes to pub) and usually goes straight to bed. One day a week he will take off work, and I'm usually at work in the morning then when I come back he is in the pub until dinner time so really only half a day per week we see each other. This really riles me. I feel I am missing out on so much companionship of what a relationship is suppposed to be about.
Even although he works long hours, the business hardly makes any money, so I have to work too, and a lot of times I have to find extra shifts to supplement his income so we can pay the bills. One thing I will say for him though is that he is happy to do the childcare and housework if I tell him I have overtime as our finances are not balancing that week due to his takings being too low. But I feel like I have to be the organiser of everything, keeping everything afloat whilst he just lets things happen and expects me to pick up the pieces. I think when we met I thought he had ambition, he was at Uni but dropped out. He does work hard but if it's not enough to even pay 2/3rds of bills when I work p/t, then I feel he should be looking for something else, but he claims there are no other jobs he can do (!).
I don't feel he loves me anymore, he seems to prefer the pub or going fishing himself (even though he has said he will take DS with him soon), and only comes home due to nagging or obligation (lip service). He used to text and call me regularly but now he literally never does unless it is to ask a favor (!) or inform me of something practical, via a payphone, never to just say hi. His phone screen is broken and he hasn't replaced it so can't read any texts from me. He never tops up his phone (hasn't had any mobile credit since October 2011!). I spend fortunes phoning him and alot of the time he seems irritated even if he is on his break or not at work. he never asks me how anything went, how I am, never comments on anything he knows is important to me (like family member's anniversaries of dying, first day of a new job, nothing).
We have sex less and less frequently now. I have had issues with sexual trauma in my past and I find it difficult to be close to him now when I don't trust him to support me, don't trust him due to white lies about things, don't trust him to work as hard as he can for the family. I need to feel relaxed and secure before I can be physically intimate at all in any way even cuddling. But I am not with him. He has been very understanding of my traumas and their effects like freezing during sex etc in the past, which is nice of him, and when we discussed it (currently our longest ever period of not having sex or sexual contact of any kind) he said that time will heal and I will either trust him to keep his promises or I won't. I miss the intimacy, crave it, still find him attractive, but I just can't bring myself to do it in case he lets me down yet again by yet another enormous act of selfishness (don't think he even realises he does these things, or he feels entitled, but his actions hurt so much, an example - last year I had got a cake and presents for his birthday. I was working and finishing at 5. He said he was just going to stay in himself as he was feeling down and not to plan anything. But when I got back he had already gone to a friends house to celebrate without even inviting me! and didn't get back until late and we were in bed. I thought it was very rude but he didn't see the problem in not seeing his son or me on his own birthday, he said he was bored alone in the house when I was at work and decided to go out). Stuff like that he does all the time. Every couple of weeks. Just completely thoughtless.
He does play with DS and is generally good with him when he does see him, although barely sees him.
It seems like we are just all argued-out. We used to have huge fights but now it's just like a cold-war stalemate. And I'm always just waiting for the next thoughtless selfish act, even though he promises all the time to make more of an effort to pull his weight financially, do something with leisure time other than sit in a pub, make me feel more loved and less like an annoyance to him.
I feel as if I'm wasting precious young years of my life, and he brings me down emotionally, his indifference towards me drains me, he refuses to talk about anything for more than an allotted 5 mins of his time, other than how we can solve the sex problems, he will speak longer on that (funnily enough!).
He sees me as having all the problems with the relationship, which he sees as fine how it is, only acknowledges any problems and makes/agrees to efforts to change if I spend ages and ages tentatively trying to coax him into speaking about them.
He says his only problem with me is that I accuse him of lying about things (true) that he says he hasn't done and that he does not want to take any more unfounded insults on his integrity and commitment to us from me. Which is true, it seems at the moment, even him breathing annoys me, his snoring drives me crazy, and I don't believe a word which comes out his mouth, even although there is no evidence he is lying about anything. For example, years ago when I was pregnant and we first moved in he used to literally be away from 7am - 10pm then straight to bed - he said he was working all those hours so I accepted that. For 3 months it turns out he was stopping by his friends houses most nights from 7-9 like he had always done when he lived with his parents. he knew that was wrong to hardly ever see his pregnant partner, but chose to lie about it so now I don't trust in him, or that he wants me or that he is committed to our family (not just this incident, although that was the most severe, the others were milder).
This must quite possibly be the longest post ever on MN! My own fault if I get no responses, but if you do read this, do you think it is fixable or is it over? I have an all-pervading sense of unhappiness and being ignored in this relationship , I don't think he is abusive, I think his heart is (usually) in the right place, but I think he is selfish and thoughtless and only family-orientated when it suits him to be, not in for the long hard slog of parenthood / running a household.
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Relationships
Is this the end for us? Feeling like it is....
CrapRelationship · 08/02/2012 21:14
This isn't a relationship. It isn't a partnership. Why would you stay with him ? You are 24. You sound like an intelligent and lovely woman. Your DS rarely sees his dad as it is, so the loss to him would be negligible. You would be free to find someone who can give you companionship, support, love and respect. It sounds like you have tried really hard to make this work but it sounds as though its dead in the water.
One of things that stood out was that you don't argue any more. I've been in a relationship where you are that ambivalent that you can't even be arsed to have an argument any more. Its not good
This reply has been deleted
Message withdrawn at poster's request.
I'm not sure BayPolar, as I'm more than a bit suspicious of him now so I often call his work when he says he is working, and he 90% of the time does answer the work phone (it's a landline). So maybe he is telling the truth (probably is), but the problem is that I don't trust him now. He has actually not told any 'major' lies, just white lies to get out of family things / family life, but I feel I cannot trust him now. I read a book "Too good to leave too bad to stay" about indecision in relationships and there was one question which really stuck in my mind - If he says something or you ask him something do you automatically believe it's a lie by default? My answer would be yes .
I don't really find him attractive spring. Physically yes I do, but last night when he came in from watching football not drunk but smelling of drink, ate some crisps and then went straight to bed snoring like a banshee I felt nothing but revulsion really . He thinks he is a super-partner and dad because he finished work at 7pm, went to watch football and came back at 9.30pm, when all the other men usually stay until pub closing time (none have kids and few even have girlfriends) He seems to want a medal for this, which (IMO) is just what normal family men do.
That makes sense. It does sound like your past is having an effect. Is counselling an option ? Either relationship counselling for both of you or just some personal counselling ? The latter would really help with any future relationships if you decide this one is dead.
I'm sure I don't need to tell you that not all men are either abusive, unfaithful or childish liars
I applied for some personal counselling for me, just got the pre-first-session appointment through. I think we would both be mortified talking to a counsellor about our relationship though, but I would if it would save things.
Although I don't know if it's worth the effort - he is making a bit more effort now right enough, but for years and years I made all the effort and was just met with a selfish manchild most of the time, so I am doubting whether I really have any energy left to give anything. I'm starting a training course at work next week, quite heavy going compared to what I'm used to, and I know I will screw it up if I spend the whole time agonising about him and feeling hurt by him, instead of paying attention.
He phoned me at work today and said he was going to let his mum have DS tonight, was it ok with me etc, and I found myself just snapping at him , saying "Why? What are you doing that you can't pick him up as usual?". He hung up and I went back into work. have 2 missed calls from a payphone but I don't have the strength to phone him back yet as it will probably just descend into an argument and him saying he is staying with DS at his mum and dad's tonight, and me getting stressed over the phone call 
I know I need to make a decision - I am torn between seeing if this time things actually change (ie making a conscious effort to try and trust and not constantly obsess and wait for him to fuck it up) or just calling it a day (hopefully amicably). I do feel sad at the thought of not sharing things with him again, not being intimate, not laughing together again. But then those things hardly ever happen anymore anyway and I do feel lonely and unsupported a lot, and I'd probably be better off myself knowing where I stand than with someone who is not the right partner, agonising and mistrusting and feeling sad to the pit of my stomach.
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