Mumsnet Talk

Recently I've found myself keeping distance between me and DH, and I've noticed feelings of insecurity reappearing when they've not been a problem for years and years. We're arguing a lot over minute things, and I have a strong feeling of needing to be assertive and defensive. Nothing DH had said or done had sparked this. In fact when I first confessed that I was feeling vaguely insecure he was great, because he knows what battles I've had with these feelings in the past. He broke down tonight after another argument and said he feels it's impossible to be good enough for me,I'm never satisfied and I don't listen.

We've agreed to try counselling.

Part of me wonders whether browsing through the catalogue of bastards on here has messed up my perceptions. I think it might have so backing away from this place is my plan, but I wonder what you guys think about this situation before I go? Is it possible that these threads have turned my subconscious into a prickly superbitch?

It might have messed up your perceptions; or it might have opened up old wounds that had healed over but never quite healed; or it may be that it's just opened up your eyes to irritants and resentments that you have been squashing for years.

Can't really tell from here. But it could be any of those.

It's pretty unlikely that you're looking at your DH and superimposing all the feckless bastard images over him and taking out your feelings on him just because he's a man, isn't it? But if that IS the case, then you certainly need counselling.

I have several niggles and irritations with my own DH - but reading about the feckless bastards on the relationships board only serves to remind me that my DH is really a good bloke and that I should remember that when he winds me up, because things could be so much worse.

You say you've had feelings of insecurity in the past - have you addressed these with the help of counselling? You might need to go back and do some more.

.........if you are not joking and you seriously think reading an internet board is spoiling your relationship - Stop Reading It.

That's my advice

Winky smiley thing (can't work the pictures )

The insecurity arose primarily from my crap self-esteem,and was a problem in previous relationships of mine, but was a huge issue between us at first because DH's first marriage broke down due to infidelity on both parts. However he jumped through hoops to earn my trust over a period of years, and I can think of only one occasion in 9 years when I've doubted him.

Bizarrely, things are as good as they have ever been for us - we're both happy in our jobs, DC are small but wonderful, we have been getting on better than ever since the youngest was born. Lot of outside pressures but we're dealing with them.

I'm definitely picking at things he's said and demanding explanations for things unnecessarily. Damaging behaviour I fear.

Thanks Summer. I just might do that.

I was going to post something a bit dry like summer meadow and bit my hand.

Thumbwitch has pretty much summed up what I wanted to say anyway.

Just wanted to add? Do you get that feeling of impending doom and maybe acting on it BECAUSE everything is fine? Too good to be true?

Thumb
Yeah, I come here to remind myself that my guy is one in 3 billion.

Your poor DH. I sort of understand where you're coming from though. My DH has the occasional strop/sulk. Sometimes he's selfish and thoughtless and I find myself bristling with indignation and tell him so...and I can hear the words of other MNetters spilling out of my mouth whilst he stands there like this .

After the event I mull it over and realise I was never like this pre MN. Maybe you could argue that he needs telling. Thing is though, he's a good man and loves me and the DC very much and shows/tells us. There is a perception of how a DP/DH should behave on here which is frankly unrealistic at times, and I imagine it causes angst in a fair few relationships. Nobody is perfect.

If you genuinely feel that these boards are souring your relationship and perception of 'issues' within your relationship, then stay away. Your DH sounds like a good man, you're lucky.

If you expect your relationship to be anything like what the perfect MN relationship would be like then you may as well call it a day now.

There's a vocal minority who seem to think that men should never do anything wrong, raise their voice or even do smelly poos. Otherwise you should dump the emotionally abusive bastards.

Thankfully real life doesn't work like that!

It's really funny how the above poster's nick is "niceguy2."

If this board is causing you relationship problems then you probably already had problems. Cheers

I think far too many women put up with lazy, selfish and even downright abusive relationships because they are normalised in RL whereas MN is a place women get a lot more support and validation and it can open their eyes.

That said, if MN was responsible, you'd be able to name what it is about your relationship that was making you unhappy because MN would have 'made you see the light'.

As you can't, I'd say you have deeper problems than anything thrown up by an internet forum and counselling is probably a good step forward for you both. This sounds more like something you can work through and I wish you both every success with it.

FWIW I have to have brief forays into Relationships as spending too much time here leaves me feeling somewhat depressed. You have to keep reminding yourself that there are hundreds of thousands of happy couples out there and that it tends to be only the unhappy ones who post.

That's utter rubbish Niceguy - it's simply that posters here believe that people deserve a decent human being for a partner, nobody expects 24/7 perfection in a relationship but its not wrong to have expectations of a certain level of behaviour from your husband/wife, i.e. not be be lied to / cheated on / disrespected.
What this board excels at is showing women that they deserve to be treated with love and respect and that they shouldn't put up with what is sometimes pretty appalling behaviour.
Don't forget that seemingly minor niggles on an opening post sometimes turn out to be the very tip of a huge iceberg, the final straw, as it were.

Well put niceguy2. It makes you wonder, what ISN'T domestic violence?

Oh here we go

Exactly, Malificence.
It shocks me just how BAD it is for so many women who post here. Their partners are doing such obviously abusive things, 99% of the time is very far from whining about small things like posters in this thread are saying. In fact, many women are putting up with some really horrible shit.
But it seems some guys have issues with us talking about it at all.

I see the sock puppets are in da house.
Some men really don't like women having a safe space to talk about sensitive issues, do they?
I wonder what they're afraid of? oh, wait....

Methinks ken is in denial.

OP - I think if your relationship problems are solely down to your self-esteem issues then counselling for you is probably the way to go.

Well, actually I think the OP is right in some way. I belive there is a time when being on this board is suitable and sometimes a life saver.
Sometimes though it makes problems looking bigger than they really are.

Thumb is right in that sometimes it can awaken some old wounds that were not completely healed.
I also think that sometimes, when you have an issue in your relationship that isn't abusive, the MN isn't the best place to go. Becuase it is too easy to look at one little thing, then associate it with abuse, then looking at your P thinking he is abusive and then you just get really wound up. It doesn't mean said behaviour should be accepted. More that, when you are in a bad place, convincing yourself that your P is abusive when he isn't isn't helping. And that the reactions required is different in the case of an abuser and a P who is a twat.

At least that's my experience.

OP I do think this board can influence relationships.
Mine is pretty drama free but recently there was a period of distance for no reason, similar to that which you describe.
My DH said to me "Shall I just go....?"
I opened my mouth to say "Yes just go away somewhere for a couple of days"
And he finished his sentence "....and make us a cup of tea?"
So I stopped reading the boards for a couple of weeks and got my distance and perspective back.

ken is currently on another thread maintaining that the reason women are killed by abusive partners is because they didn't do as they were told

agenda, much ?

i think a good (individual) therapist will help you to see why you blaming a forum and where to go from here.....

be open and honest with therapist/counsellor what you been reading and why it may be influencing your thoughts... is it logical?

Maybe an agenda, maybe just a Grade A arsehole.
Possibly both.

Sorry, you think that mn might be causing a problem on your relationship.....so you post on here yourself asking what to do?

I'm confused by the logic......

it's a kind of logic

perhaps the kind of logic utilised by someone that, after reading an anonymous forum, decides to apply it to their own relationship even if it wasn't there in the first place

Really AF? Where's that post then?