Feeling so desperately suicidal

[karmathreefold]

Our second daughter was born sleeping 2.5 months ago. Our marriage was rocky well before then.

To start with we were closer together, then he seemed to go back to normal, but didn't want sex with me anymore, while I needed to feel loved.

Things have reached the point where I have scratched my arms, I feel so desolate.

I really, really hate him... because I've needed him, needed him so much, but whereas I spend every night crying my heart out on the sofa, he's in bed, saying that I'm nasty to him.. or if I do go to bed, and cry, he'll just ask why I'm crying... ffs... I shouldn't need to tell him, I just want to be held, for fucks sake I need to be held, and he never does.

I've tried talking to him, but he just puts it back to me.

The last few nights we've watched The Hostel trilogy - which is basically a horror, with lots of hot, naked women in... I just feel so defiled by it, him watching young nubile, naked flesh, when I've still got baby body, watching people being tortured to death, when we've just buried our child.

He's gone to bed, leaving me crying down here, and I feel like dying, I really do, I just don't want to be here, and his attitude makes it worse.

I kept going up there, telling him how I felt, and all he said was "get into bed, cause I'm watching TV & want to chill", and I admit it makes me so angry, because I feel so lonely.

In the end I told him I'd written over his facebook wall - two seconds later he's down here, as he worries about what his friends think... whilst I'm sitting there, crying hysterically... (I didn't write on his wall, but it showed me that he really doesn't care about me, his wife, the woman who gave birth to his child, who died, who nearly died herself, who wants & mises her baby, and all he fucking cares about is some fucking friends who he never bloody sees)...

I don't know what to do, I can't carry on like this, its torture, as if I was single I could get on with it, but with him here, I CRAVE some affection, some love...

Sorry for mistakes but I can hardly see the screen for tears

Bless you :(
Just here to hand hold till someone more experienced comes along
Keep talking, it really can help.
Do you have someone in RL you can phone?

I'm sorry i'm probably not much help either. Do i understand from your post that you have a dd already?
Honestly, your family and friends need you.

Karma, I am so sorry for your loss. Have you any family or good friends you can stay with? as Casa said, they need you x

it showed me that he really doesn't care about me, his wife, the woman who gave birth to his child, who died, who nearly died herself, who wants & mises her baby
Do you want to talk about your daughter with us? Or have you posted elsewhere?
You're both recently bereaved and it seems you are at differing stages of the grieving process, unless there's background that has already given you cause for concern, it may help to speak to your friends/family; and at some point your OH will be in a place where he can deal with what has happened and grieve with you.
(I have no experience, so just my own take on your situation.)
I am recently bereaved though so have been where you are, It will get better, I know the pain hurts but you will be ok.
As casawasa said... your family and friends need you.

Aww thank you both, on the phone to my brother, who is the most understanding, sensible person ever.

He was just telling me the positives in my life. I just wish, so wish that DH would be there for me, but he doesn't.

He looked through my laptop yesterday, and found that I'd sent a message to my mum, saying how bad things are, and was angry... but he couldn't see that he does this to me, that him pushing me away, when I really, really need him, makes me hate him... I do want to go and pummel him, make him see how much I'm hurting, as crying in front of him elicts no response, he's like a bloody robot... how can he not see how much I need to be held?

He also decided to 'punish' me (by witholding affection) because I'd written some derogatory stuff about him, when he left to go abroad on holiday, when DD1 was 4 months old, and I had PND... he said it was 'my fault' for not having a passport...

i found photos of his genitals, and he explained them away, yet doesn't show me he wants me, and I need to leave, god do I need to leave.

I can't understand how he cares more about what his so called friends think of him, over how I his wife feels

Just read your prev threads and realised I had read them before - as they struck a chord. I cna't imagine what you're going through but am here if you want to talk more.
Hope you are ok?

Hidinginthewoods yes, I post on the bereavement thread, but didn't want to write this there, and upset the other poor mummies.

Yes, we have had difficulties... he left me twice to go on holiday, abroad, alone, when I was 7.5months pregnant, and when DD1 was 4 months.

I found photos of his genitals on our camera last year, he swore that they were to send to me when i was in hospital having DD1 (though I never got them).

He has a female 'friend' who he used to sleep with, and who came to our house when I was out, and he went to hers...

Lots of things before our baby died, but still afterwards, we seemed closer.

All I've ever wanted was a family. I was a single parent for 18yrs to my DS, and to be honest it's far less distressing, as if you cry, you cry into your pillow, as you know that you're alone... whereas if you have someone who claims to love you, then doesn't care if you're crying or not, it makes it much harder, and makes me feel so alone

I'm stupid really, I just so wanted a normal family... that's all I've ever wanted, and now I'm married, to a man who only cares about others opinions, and with one of my children not living... it's such a bloody mess

I understand that, I'm alone and it's easier for me now I realise :(
The trouble is, you know your gut feeling... but it's very difficult to make life-changing decisions when everyone around you is hurting and reeling from the shock of bereavement.
All I'll say is I gave my ExH a further year after his betrayals before I came to my senses and ended it finally.
However, I actually don't think I could have done it earlier as our entire families were grieving and there were so many other emotions I didn't know what I was feeling :(
(Sorry to hi-jack was just trying to gain some insight...)
What is your gut feeling telling you?

My gut feeling is screaming out that the photos were not for me.
When he went on holiday & there were 2 coffee cups on the table (which he swears were because they were too small) that he had someone with him.

I don't think he's been up to anything since then, but once they've got form, you know it's likely to happen again, and I'm getting older...

I did find a profile on a sex dating site, with a man, the same age, same name, less than a mile from where I live (just said "within 1 mile"), looking for NSA sex. And was online within the last week. I set up a fake profile, and contacted him... but he found out... the 'man' has not been online since

Hi i just wanted to say so sorry about your baby :( you sound very depressed. Has the doc given you anything? I would get down there monday first thing or go see out of hrs. Also you really should talk with a bereavement councillor, i think what your feeling is totally understandable in such a situatuon. It sounds like your h is not very emotionally developed, and is either a total bastard and emotionally abusing you , maybe punishing you for losing baby? Or is very depressed about baby and doesnt know how to reach you. Can you go stay with anyone who is more supportive for a few days? Sending you courage and hugs x

I'm so sorry you are having such an awful time. It does sound as though your H can't or won't give you what you want - either because he is selfish and doesn't love you enough, or because he is also grieving and grief has made him turn inwards. People deal with grief in different ways; for the moment I would advise you to seek out all the support you can get from all the different sources you can get it from rather than trying to get it from a man who (for either good or bad reasons) is not going to supply it. When the worst pain of the loss is over, then you can decide what to do about the couple-relationship.

Thanks I have bipolar (and he blames me wanting to be loved on my "illness", and am seeing my psychiatrist on monday (but he wants to come with me, he always does, he made them think my being suspiscious of photos of his penis, as me being paranoid, even though there were about 20 of them).

Something else has just occurred to me. He tried to deactivate his facebook last night, but then didn't as he said he couldn't remember his password (I was stood next to him), but tonight he did it in seconds (I was not near him), so he's obviously scared of me seeing his facebook, yet he looks at mine (I don't have the security on my laptop, he does, he's paranoid about me looking at his)

From your last post it does sound like he has already emotionally checked out of the relationship. I would just forget trying to rely on him, build yourself up and start looking at the futurre without him in it. What are you getting from him? Im sure his rejection is compounding the feelings of loss you already feel. Have you had couple counceling since losing baby?

I have to agree with *solidgoldbrass
- When the worst pain of the loss is over, then you can decide what to do about the couple-relationship.

Try to think about yourself and what you need rather than what he's done, men are different to us I often wonder if it's worth the energy analysing them.

Speak to your friends/family if you can and your GP urgently it's what they're there for.

I know you have your doubts about your relationship and had doubts throughout your pregnancy, but it's YOU who is important right now.
Give yourself a break and find other people to hug you and comfort you

No we were supposed to, but I don't drive & he won't.

Several times I've talked about leaving, as I can't cope with this too, but he just tells me it's my problem, and won't take me seriously

Thanks, and to answer, I get nothing really. He is good around the house, but he's like a housemate, sex stopped when I was pregnant with DD2.

I do love him, but that is what makes me angry, as he doesn't reciprocate

Sorry cross posted with you both then.
Maybe it would be best if you could take some time out? Do you have a close friend/relative you could stay with whilst you grieve?
You need better support, you shouldn't have to feel so lonely :(
I would imagine it's very important you see your psychiatrist alone so you can talk honestly and openly without feeling judged, or your DH trying to justify your feelings. I'm sure this is anormal reaction to what you are experiencing rather than as a result of your Bi-polar.
You need a mental break from the confusion in your relationship it would seem.

It i awful for him to try to invalidate your feelings like that:( like others have said, try to get rl support, hugs etc from friends and family. He obviously isnt in a space where he is able to support you for what ever reason. It does sound like he is hiding something re,laptop, photos etc. In my expereience something like this happening in a family either brings you closer or exasserbates fractures already there. People often turn to sex when bereaved as a way of reafferming life. Got to sleep now as working in 5 hrs but will be thinking of yo. X

OP I'm so sorry you lost your DD, I really feel for you and just want to give you an (unmumsnetty) hug, what a terrrible, terrible thing you have been through.

I don't want to add to your distress but my gut feeling is that that your DH checked out of your relationship a long time ago and that deep down you know this.

Being alone will actually be a lot less lonely than clamouring for love from this person who can't/won't give it to you. You deserve better.

If you can, please go and stay with someone who truly loves and cares about you and who will look after you. Then, when you are feeling stronger you can decide what to do about your relationship. Don't give up, you are at your lowest point, which means that you can only go up now - I know it doesn't feel like that at the moment but it's true.

Will be checking back to see how you are.

I agree 100% with cleopatrasasp
i too will be back checking in to see if you are still posting.
big hugs and sending you strength and kindness

Even the excuse about the photos just seems so...wrong. Not many women would appreciate pictures of their husbands bits whilst staying in hospital before/after giving birth.
I'm so sorry he is being such an arse. I hope you can rely on other people to take up the slack.

I am sorry you are feeling so low..........is the bereaved mums thread When you are feeling stronger why don't you post on there? I have linked this thread on there so hopefully some other Mums may come and try and offer advice. I lost my eldest son aged two hours seventeen years ago...........

You have an appointment to see your pyschiatrist on Monday and he wants to come with you? Fine, no problem. let him accompany you on your journey.

When you announce your arrival to the receptionist make it clear him, and to your psychiatrist if necessary, that your sessions are private and that at the present time you will not enter into any therapy that is designated as being excusively for you with him

He can hang about the waiting room/reception or take himself off somwhere for a coffee but no way should you allow him to compromise your time with your psychiatrist - nor should your psychiatrist countenance any breach of doctor/patient confidentiality without your express verbal and WRITTEN consent.

Bless you, honey, and bless your dear sweet born sleeping baby dd. , I hope that you will find some solace in knowing that her being and her life inside your body ,albeit short, is as meaningful and as long as the longest life on this planet.

It was not her time but please take comfort in knowing that she will come back to you in another form. In the meantime, honour her memory by honouring yourself and that means no more self-harming or self-neglect. Promise?

Against the alleged ethos of mumsnet, I want to wrap you in a warm, soft, fluffy, blanket, and hold you close to my heart. Don't despair, sweetheart, comfort is at hand and will come to you from the most unlikely sources.

You poor thing. I remember you. I can't believe you are still with this awful man.
He has hurt you so much, and is still hurting you.
Your story moved me to pieces.
I do hope that you find the strength to move on from this cheating, vile man.
You sound like such a lovely person, I remember your story so well.
Take care of yourself.