Should I believe him? Re : dating bloody websites

[999HELPMYPUDDINGSONFIRE]

Me and OH met on a daring website 3 years ago.
Recently it came to light he had another email address from years ago, he didn't tell me as he no longer uses it.
Well I log into it ( he knows I'm doing this although he seems nervous ) and there are lots of "updates" from a dating site. Not the one we met on, zoosk which is part of Facebook.
Now, we had broken up for a month in may and all the emails were after may to date, none had been opened. He says he used it one when we were broken up, mainly out of boredom. Well this doesn't sound good as I'm sure he's been bored whilst we've been together at times!
I go off to work, still banging on about it to be honest. When exactly did you use it when we were broken up, how many times etc etc.
Yesterday it came to me that his log in details to that are probably the same as Facebook so I log in.
Nothing really there, no messages sent or received as he's not a paying member however he has "won" coins for logging in on the 12th may ( we was broken
Up) and 3rd December ( the day we were arguing about it all day )
I ask him again and again I'd he's ever used it whilst weve been together, no no no.
Until he finally admitted he logged in on the 3rd december merely to look for the date that he's gone on whilst we was broken up as I was questioning him so much.
Really? Why would you go onto a dating site whilst we are arguing about it??i
I can see he hasn't logged back in after the 3rd dec though so maybe he is telling the truth?
I'm just convinced that he's looked on it when we've been together.

[GypsyMoth]

He's damned whatever he does really isn't he? Poor bloke

[HellonHeels]

But you'd split up at the time he was on the dating site in May. Presumably you were both single at that point?

If that's the case, I can see why you would feel hurt or upset, but he wasn't actually doing anything wrong.

[PieCherry]

OK - here's my story. Met my OH on a dating site. A couple of months ago he rings me really wound up as he's been on the Guardian Sports web site, and a banner ad comes up for Guardian Soulmates, and there's my picture!

He rants and raves for a bit, and can't believe I didn't know/remember I was on that site.

I had to go online - retrieve my log in details and log in. My last log in on my profile was a year before I met my OH, so I was able to screen print and e-mail to him.

I had a 1 month membership/free trial forgot all about it, and there they were using my pic on the banner ad.

[PieCherry]

Oops pressed post too early. There was an innocent explanation you see.

Zoosk IIRC is something you click on via facebook, rather than join like some of the other sites.

Sounds like he had a look whilst you were broken up, then forgot about it especially if it's an unused e-mail account and none of the mails had been opened etc

[999HELPMYPUDDINGSONFIRE]

My point is that he accessed it on the 3rd December on the day we were arguing about it, after id gone to work, apparently to find the date He had gone onto it when we were apart. This seems either a very stupid thing to do. Or a lie. And he actually when on it even though we were rowing about it to look at other women on there.

[PieCherry]

But as I said, I had to log on to the site to demonstrate when I had last logged on.

xx

[WinkyWinkola]

I think you should believe him. There is no way he would log on again knowing you had his details! So he must be telling the truth!

Lay off.

[adamschic]

Sounds to me like he's checked to see what you will come across because it's something he hasn't bothered with whilst you've been together. Give him the benefit of the doubt I think it sounds ok. Have a lovely christmas together .

[Crabapple99]

i've got an email adress I used to log onto a dating site years ago, actually not on my behalf, but on someone elses behalf. I still use that email adress occassionally, it isn't my usual one, but it is always full of dozens of updates from a site I haven't logged onto for more than 2 years. i always delet them, but if I don't go back to that email for a couple of weeks, there can be dozens, or even hundreds more. Sometimes more than one arrives every day. There seems to be no way of stopping it, or getting your old profile deleted, or anything.

[izzywhizzysmincepies]

I can see he hasn't logged back in after the 3rd dec though so maybe he is telling the truth?

'Maybe he is telling the truth'? He is telling the truth but if you keep carrying on like this I suspect you'll both be back on dating sites in the not too distant future.

[Andy1964]

STOP!
Calm down.
Think about what has happened recently.
You have caught him watching porn, now you suspect he is up to no good on a dating website.
This is not about what he has or has not done. This is 100% about the relationship you both have with eachother.

I suggest that tonight, after dinner you both sit down and talk about your relationship. NOT about the porn he has been watching, NOT about your suspicions of his activity on a dating website. TALK about YOUR relationship with eachother.
He needs to give you a chance to talk to him and tell him how you feel and you need to give him the chance to do the same.

Sort your relationship out, become irresitable to eachother again, it can happen, it happened to me and DW.

PLEASE TALK!

[JackMatthias]

I would echo that. The porn thread to one side, I can't see that he's done anything wrong on this thread.

[999HELPMYPUDDINGSONFIRE]

Maybe not, but there's no coins that he won prior to may when we weren't split up even though I know he used it the year before also ( again when we were split up ) so I do f understand that either, he says may r they only started giving coins out for logging in near to May but that he's me we used it whilst weve been together.

[guinealady]

PieCherry I used to hate that about Guardian Soulmates too, my parents use the Guardian site and I dreaded that they might see my ugly mug staring out at them one day from the homepage! (or indeed work colleagues).

I kept my photo secret until someone had 'added' me to avoid this issue but I'd get a lot of snotty messages from men going 'why is your picture secret, what's the big mystery?'

The lack of photo did lead to shrieks of laughter about this time 3 or 4 years ago when I realised MY OWN BOSS had added me on Soulmates without realising who I was.

OP - hope you can sort this out. A friend went through something similar recently with Soulmates, she logged on herself to find that the bloke she was dating was still logging on, and became obsessed with checking how often he was signed in there...the fact that every time this happened, she was logging into the site herself seemed to pass her by! It all got rather traumatic for her so I hope you can resolve this through a proper conversation with your OH...

[999HELPMYPUDDINGSONFIRE]

He's coming home now to have a proper talk, will update.
I did go through a crazy 5 minutes of asking him to do a polygraph test to prove it and his reaction wasn't good,
I don't know if this proves anything or not but he got really angry, said he had done nothing to make me not believe him, that he's never so much as thought about a daring site when we've been together and that I'm mad and if I carry on he will end it.

[Andy1964]

Please please please don't make this about the porn or the dating website.

He obviously makes you feel insecure. Tell him, in reasonable tones, tell him how you feel, let him tell you how he feels.

Please talk through this, Don't row, it won't get you anywhere.

[keSnowBi]

If you're on a website where women are very protective of other women, and normally get het up about the slightest red flag...

....and even then everyone is telling you that you need to relax, take a step back and calm down.... you should take it seriously.

It seems to me that you are using this as a stick to beat him when he has done nothing wrong (and it also seems like there is nothing he can do to persuade you he's innocent).

Either there are underlying insecurities and problems here, or you need to look at whether your levels of jealousy and suspicion are correctly calibrated before you cause some real damage.

Have a , breathe, and try and look at this as if it were someone else's relationship.

[HairyNigel]

Chill out! It sounds as if you've been hounding him so he probably did just go on to check the dates so he can put an end to you ranting on.
If his account shows only those 2 dates as a log in then yes he is telling the truth, I cant see how he would have gone on again without it showing up.

Has he lied about stuff in the past before? IME you don't get to this point of paranoia that you're showing without it being built up from something.

[CheeseandPickledOnion]

Wow. You're off the scale crazy.

I feel sorry for your other half. You keep going like this and you won't have a relationship to lose.

[HairyNigel]

Bit harsh cheeseandpickledonion.

[999HELPMYPUDDINGSONFIRE]

Kesnowbi
You're right, there are other issues, just did t know if they were relevant to this do I didn't elaborate.
In 2009 we broke up ( my choice ) as I didn't feel ready to settle down. I had come out of a long relationship and was still hurt by it all.
We met up every week or 2 for dinner or to catch a film and there were a few kisses but nothing more as I jut didn't feel I could give him what he appeared to want.
This continued for 6 months. He convinced me a holiday wa the answer, to spend a few weeks alone somewhere else. I agreed, I'd pay my half an we would take it from there.
Well, turns out that a woman who had called him shortly before we broke up in tears as his best friend has been cheating in her had rang him again to see how he was ( they'd met a few times when she was with his mate ) and he explained we had broken up how upset he was etc.
He then kept calling her every day near enough to moan about me, why wouldn't I give it a chance etc.
They started spending quite a bit of time together and after a month or so he suggested they be friends eith benefits. And this is what they did.
On days he would drive me to work in tears begging me to give it a go he would then meet her and have sex with her. Same happened on the day he booked the holiday!!
We or back together prior to te holiday and I found out about this by chance, through a mutual friend.
Turns out he was still in contact with her after we got back together, although he had told her we were back together and they hadn't met up since we had.
It was 3 weeks between the time we got back together and I found out.
So, he didn't actually "cheat" but it sure felt like it.
Because all the time he seemed so devastated he was able to sleep with someone else over and over again.
In fact we got back together the day after he slept with her for the last time.
I know the timing wasn't his fault, he didn't know I would change my mind but why book a holiday with someone to try and make a go of it and carry on sleepy g with someone else?
His response on the day was devastation, begging me not to leave him, that he was trying to get over me, sick of waiti g around in bits o
For me, that he'd only slept with me up until then and thought I he could have sex with someone else he could get over me
Once and for all and then he would have cancelled the holiday ( apparently ) and told me where to go.
He even said I could sleep with someone else if it would make me forget what he had done and let us be together.
As things have calmed down he takes full responsibility for what he did, he called her that night and told her he wouldn't be in contact anymore and thanks for being a friend and listening to his problems ( he didn't tell me this straight away either )
No things have calmed down he sees what he did wrong, that it was devious and he should not have carried on contact once we got back together ( he had rang her 4 times, never her ringing him although apparently she went weird after he first told her we were sorting things out but he just thought they'd be mates again ) but maintains he didn't cheat so he shouldn't be treated as such.
So there's the whole story :-)I

[999HELPMYPUDDINGSONFIRE]

Do you still think that cheeseandpickledonion after my update?

[HairyNigel]

999, if I'm being honest this relationship sounds like a nightmare :( You should never be with someone that makes you feel this paranoid and "crazy", it's not healthy. At this point it doesn't really matter who's done what and when and why and blah blah blah, the fact is you're both hurting each other over and over again.

Can you honestly see yourself spending the rest of your life with this man with all these issues you both have with each other?

My advice would be to get out now, spend some time being single and figuring out what you want from a relationship. What you'll be prepared to put up with and what you know you would not accept. Your relationship with this man sounds very confusing and I dont think you're getting that time to give yourself a clear head before you make decisions about anything.