stepadad / dh issues making interventions but getting nowhere

[phoenix2]

hi all
i have posted before about my dh having issues with my dd (mine from previous relatioship). He has said he can't stand her and makes it obvious. There are sometimes when he is nice to her but mostly horrible.
he is also awful to me - even when i am doing everything perfectly he will find a way to cause a row or pretend i said something is on a date when in fact it is on another - just to be an ass. He has physically assaulted and threatened me (just the once) - he has cheated or been on the verge of cheating but i caught him out (just the once). Generally he is just rude and short tempered and selfish. So i have asked him to leave (loads of times) we went to counselling, i wrote him letters, he left for a couple of nights, i left for a night with kids, i left on my own and spent the night by a lake but nothing nothing helps.
so this week (having spent weeks and weeks of me in spare room with one yr old ds) i went and spoke to my gp (to report my side) his gp to see if there is any medical explanation (he does have a liver disease), i spoke to WA, must most important (i thought) i spoke to my mother and told her almost everything. She was shocked and disgusted and she spoke to him for and hour and a half friday nite where i thought she understood but all they had was a massive bonding session, he told her he was sorry, didn't know how badly behaved he had been, would apologise to me and dd, change his ways, go to counselling on his own to solve his anger prob - the works.
She phoned me when he left and told me he was sorry and she had warned him this was his last chance etc etc. I expected a very remorseful dh to come home and make ammends (even though i wouldn't have believed him). But no - he went for a couple of pints after he left her - came home when i was in bed and not a word since.
My mam keeps texting me to see if there is any news. I keep telling her that he didn't mean what he said to her - that i have heard it all before but she seems to think that breaking up the marraige is not an option. Is she mental!
Worst of all is he def thinks he has won now - because she was my trump card - he adores her and really respects her. Now he thinks i can't get at him with anyone. I have had his brother speak to him, i have spoken to his sis and he knows this. He thought he was brilliant afte the couples counselling becuase the counsellor missed the point completely and more of less said if he took me out more often and showed more attention to me we would be fine!
So here i am - i thought i had a solution yet again and now he is just laughing at me. I am going to police this week (just to make them aware) but other than that i don't know what to do.
I have packed his bags in the past but he simply brings them back in and laughs at me. If i change the locks he will only get in another way.
But come january its him or me because i can't take this anymore.

[SantasStrapon]

And you are leaving until January because?

Sorry if that sounds arsey, but I would think the best Christmas present you could give your DD is to get this cunt out of your life, now.

[hevak]

Go to a solicitor. It is possible to divorce someone while you are living together (or so I've been told) - surely divorce papers will make it obvious?

Good luck, it sounds like you'll need it. What a twat. And you need to tell your mother you're divorcing him. End of story (and yes, she's a fool)

I hope someone more helpful comes along with practical advice. I remember your previous threads - you need to get rid of him.

[mrswrite]

What a prick, take kids and go to your mums they don't deserve to be emotionally abused by this loser and neither do you.

[mrswrite]

Or if mums not an option do you have a friend you can go to? Also call women's aid.

[GypsyMoth]

He's violent, most dangerous time got a women is when he realises she is really leaving. Go to a refuge. They will help

Maybe a new start in a new town?

[tallwivglasses]

I remember your other threads. How long are you going to let this arsehole steal your life away from you?

[lisaro]

Are you an adult? Act like one. You let him treat you and your child like shit then expect your mum to make it better? I can't feel any sympathy for you.

[kiki22]

When i was 10 my mum left my dad took my sister and I with her, same kind of thing as you dad wouldn't leave no one could or would help. We litrally had nothing but our clothes and a few toys in a case had to go live in a homeless flat for months our standard of living went so far down we struggled to adjust but honest to god my mum done the right thing and i would do it if i had to. If it's that bad leave simple as that.

[gorgeouslatinrose]

Time to start acting fast.

• Get on to Women's Aid - you will need their support, expertise, and help in getting a solicitor to prevent any other issues happening.
  
• Your mother will come around eventually, but not now, so be careful what you say and do regarding any information you may pass to her that could get to him. You and your children are what are important, and she is not in this nightmare. Have you got any friends you can rely on?
  
• Is there a time he is out the house for a good amount of time? Smuggle some stuff to a friends house, get passports and important documents together. Be aware, it does not sound like he is leaving anytime soon, and will more likely get more dangerous. So you will need to get sorted in case you have to leave asap.
  
• You ARE in a dangerous relationship. The police will take notice. So do not hesitate, start acting fast, as you and your children are at serious risk. Leaving in January is too late, you need to act asap for your families sake. Good luck, keep fighting, and make sure you clear internet history so he cant track your steps online. Keep in touch

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

Phoenix

After all the counsel you were given on previously...that says as much about you as it does your abusive H. He has truly ground you down which was likely his intention to start with and despite all the warning signs you still married the Loser.

Why did you go to the GP to see if there was any medical explanation re him for how he is behaving?. Would he having a medical problem have made this any more palatable for you?. He is out and out abusive because he can and you have allowed yourself to be controlled, not because of any medical issue.

Joint counselling too is never adviseable where there is ongoing abuse within the marriage. That was another mistake. Your mother should be encouraging you to get the hell away from this man, not implying that breaking up the marriage is not an option. Your mother is a fool for trying to talk to your man and resolving this, all the other inteventions that have happened have counted for nothing and talking with abusive men does not work period. Leave all the rellies out of it; they do not have to live with him.

The only way that this is going to be resolved is through divorcing him. I guess you are so ground down by him that you feel powerless to actually act.
Your children are suffering and the effects of all this will be far reaching for them and you; they could well despise you as adults for putting him before them.

Where do you see yourself in a year's time?. Putting the children through a potentially miserable christmas for you to act in January is not on at all.

[Bossybritches22]

Please OP as others have said get out before he seriously hurts you or your DC's.

If your mother is in cahoots with him maybe going to her would not be the best bet just now, he'll find you.

Be strong but just know you ARE doiong the best thing for you & your children.

[ImperialBlether]

Your poor daughter. If you can't get out for your own sake, let her move out alone and stay with someone who will care for her.