Being Married has repressed me

[Lovemy2babies]

Does anyone else fee like this?

I thought to be a good wife I was meant to cook, clean, work full time and look after my man.
How wrong I was.
I thought if I did what he wanted he would love me and it would make him happy.
Instead he treated me was emotionally and financially abusive and I lost my life, passion and career.

A few years down the line and lots of hard work on our marridge things are so much better.
I no longer do everything to make him happy and he goes out of his way to show my love, respect and make it possible for me to do the things I like, as in look after DC's whilst I do my hobbies.

I love my DH and want to spend the rest of my life with him.
He works hard and is a good father to our kids.

However I am bored.

He doesn't want to be romantic like get dressed up, have dates, go dancing, or have any friends himself.

I need to feel pasionate about life, live it to the fullest.
And he doesnt.

Sometimes I wonder if I should have an affair to fulfil my passion for life :(
(I have not had an affair nor do I know anyone to have one with)

What do I do?

[Strawberrytallcake]

Tell your husband how you feel!! Make dates yourself for you to both go on dates/dancing together and hopefully he'll get the hint. It doesn't sound disastrous as from the looks of things you got through something worse, when things stop being difficult I think it can be easy to mistake stability with boredom but maybe think how you would have felt back then knowing that things would get so much better and that may put things into perspective.

I feel bored sometimes too. I think marriage is really difficult and you can make it great as long as you're both willing to. Don't have an affair as that is very childish imo and you will regret it. Just think about what you want him to do for you and do it for him first.

Hope this makes sense as I'm writing on my phone!

[scottishmummy]

get autonomy and control back
go back to work
don't sacrifice it for some allusion of that's what being married equals. and essentially get some stuff for yourself to do,cannot live vicariously through marriage or any relationship

he cannot fulfil your ability to live love to full,you need to do that yourself
and hope he shares the same vigour.but honestly reframe how you see this too,it's not all about what he needs to do.fair whack is you suiting and fulfilling self

and advise your children not to give up career just because they got married

[BayPolar]

I don't think passion for life necessarily has to be fulfilled with an affair.
Passion for life can be had in so many shapes and forms.
Unfortunately you usually need to be 'free' to experience true passion for life, and having kids and being enslaved to a job because of debt, somewhat puts a stop to that, so I guess an affair is the only thing available, but it's not fair on your partner, so hmmm, not sure what to advise beyond those people who are single and who are yet to 'settle' or 'have kids', think long and hard what you are truly passionate about- if you are passionate about learning new things beyond the learning that comes with having kids - don't have kids, don't buy into something that you will have to spend decades paying off, which will keep you rooted to one spot, maybe live a life outside of the default, and you'll find that you won't have a second to spare wondering where the passion went, because it's there daily, believe me, it's there daily.

[toptramp]

What about his responsibility to look after you too? It shouldn't always be one-sided. And who says that you have to cook, clean etc. Mabe you need to rethink about your role.

Not that I'm one to talk having never been married.

[toptramp]

This bit of your op rings alarm bells. Are you sure he's not still abusive? It would account for how you are feeling. You shouldn't be repressed. Does have he have rigid views on what constitutes a wife?

"I thought to be a good wife I was meant to cook, clean, work full time and look after my man.
How wrong I was.
I thought if I did what he wanted he would love me and it would make him happy.
Instead he treated me was emotionally and financially abusive and I lost my life, passion and career."

[toptramp]

If he is an abuser I would plan an escape route.

[Strawberrytallcake]

Are you all not reading the full post? OP said ' he goes out of his way to show her love and respect now' and that it is very different to the way it used to be! Doesn't sound very abusive?

[DoesNotGiveAFig]

'I need to feel pasionate about life, live it to the fullest.
And he doesnt.

You can do this yourself - you don't need him to do it for or with you! An affair is bollocks, all that will do is cause heartache.

If you want to get dressed up and go dancing, do it with your mates, go bungee jumping or whatever, get a hobby, get a job. Your husband isn't responsible for the way you live your life. Unless he physically / emotionally guilts you into not doing these things, he isn't the problem. If he is happy to support your lust for life from the comfort of his armchair, what harm?

[OrmIrian]

"Sometimes I wonder if I should have an affair to fulfil my passion for life "

Ah! I see your mistake. You are mistaking lust for 'passion for life'.... it isn't the same thing. Sounds to me as if you want someone to be passionate about you, whereas you actually need something to ignite your own passion for life - get out there and do something, not someone.

[SantaIsAnAnagramOfSatan]

i don't like the sound of him having no friends of his own. that must feel repressive - it's all 'you' isn't it? is there any way to encourage him to DO stuff outside of the marriage? then maybe you wouldn't feel so entrapped and would feel freer to do stuff yourself and then maybe the time you had together would be more appreciative?

the idea of a man who does nothing ever but work and come home and never wants to go out or do anything, doesn't have friends or interests etc etc does sound.... bleurgh.

does he literally have no friends?

[scottishmummy]

you're repressing yourself with an anachronistic notion that marriage would sort everything and make you fulfilled,a life of passion and verve via someone else

here's the rub you are responsible for your own self fulfilment,and we al, hope for a partner to share passion with.but no one can do it for you,you make your own wow factor

go get career back
or study
or volunteer
just ^do something

do stop mooning about hoping your partner will give you a fantastic life

and affair?well that's just tosh isn't it

[mammaSarah]

LoveMy2Babies,

Let me start off with saying your not alone in this, lack of romance is something many marriages (including my own) have had to overome.

As for your affair comment, i understand this must be something you have not said or concidered lightly. But it is a TERRIBLE idea. this will take you from a marriage that needs fixing to a marriage that has much bigger problems.


My offer of a solution would be talk to your partner, listen to what they have to say. WHATEVER the explanation is.

Maybe they feel like they need the spice back too and then that can be alot easier to fix.

do you still do atleast SOME of the things you used to do in the start of the relationship?

Try to find time for each other at least one time a week. People do change as they grow. But communication is the best key to the marriage along with friendship!

Ive been married 4 years but i get alot of advice from my grandma/pops they've been married 64 years! older couples are the best ones to get advice from!

There are many good resources and books online and offline that could help you get some insight into your problem.

Myself and others i know have had some very positive results from them.

I cant recommend a specific one for you as they seem to be tailored to certain situations etc. Try looking on www.RelationshipHelpReviews.com and look at some of the reviews on there, some of the free ones can be a little wishy washy but they provide a good source of ideas of how to sort out some problems you have - hey the more support the better.

Most importantly, whats always worked for me is to try (its hard i know) and remember that no matter what, your an amazing human being, and that times like this test and build us and our relationships into who and what we are. Stay strong. xx