Bullying

[springydaffs]

Just read something that I found incredibly liberating:

Bullies are insecure, which is why they divert attention from themselves by finding an object to fix on. I use that word carefully. When it comes to bullying, we become objects; we are dehumanised. As cruel and emotionally damaging as bullying is, it is not personal. I know that seems impossible to get your head around, but bullies need to objectify people. If they saw their targets as human beings (and imagined being the brunt of that abuse), they would find their actions difficult to sustain. They are playing out their insecurities and feeding their pathetic egos. It is their agenda, not ours.

HIt the nail on the head for me.

[izzywhizzysmincepies]

I would agree with this much of the statement you've read They are feeding their pathetic egos.

As for the remainder, IMO bullying is personal. Bullies don't 'objectify' people. They know full well what they are doing and the effect they have on their victims.

IME bullies are not deeply insecure individuals as such, but they have the ability to recognise insecurity in others and to play on that insecurity.

Bullies come from a place of inferiority rather than insecurity which can make them jealous of those who appear to have qualities or lives that they would give their eye teeth to possess or emulate.

Sometimes this sense of inferiority manifests as superiority and the bully becomes the 'know-all'; those whose word must be obeyed otherwise they make the life of those around them hell.

Some bullies are akin to predators who seek the weakest prey. If they see that their prey is intimidated or made insecure by their tactics they hone in and, like a cat with a mouse, they toy with their prey as it feeds their egos and puffs them up to believe that they have power over others.

This type of bully usually surrounds themselves with a cotierie of even weaker individuals who suck up to and flatter the bully for fear that they may the next victim.

As for bullying being the bully's agenda, not ours, I would suggest that we should make every bully's agenda ours and take action to crush bullies and bullying by zero tolerance of such despicable behaviour..

[izzywhizzysmincepies]

Correction: for fear that they may be the next victim.

[springydaffs]

well, I don't agree with you there izzy.

[springydaffs]

Is that theory or have you experienced bullying (genuine q)?

[HoudiniHissy]

I think bullying IS possibly less personal. Abuse is bullying personalised.

Abusers are bullies, but ones with long term goals, strategies and objectives. A bully hates themselves and wants to crush all those that are better than them. The are often opportunistic, and if they find one they can lock onto, it will become a sustained campaign.

That's my opinion anyway, no scientific thought there, just instinct.

[HoudiniHissy]

An abuser is attracted to/targets an individual that has the quality 'it' lacks. They think they can absorb the glow, the happy, the friendly, the popular from their object of desire.

Then they realise they can't get it, so they set about destroying their victim to take away the glow, the happy, the joy that the person feels, so it makes them look better than the victim.

Again, ideas I have been mulling over.

[OberonTheHopeful]

I think there are different kinds of bully, who harm others for different reasons. Unfortunately I can identify with being on the receiving end with both scenarios posted here, but I think the ones who do make it personal are the worst.

With people who bully you because, for example, you're a member of a particular group you can at least rationalise it as their problem. With one's who see a vulnerability in you specifically and exploit it then it's much harder to deal with. I have some very recent experience of this type, someone who knew exactly which buttons to press and pushed them hard.

The best way to deal with this is of course to take the buttons away (people like that absolutely hate to be ignored), but it is of course so much easier said than done.

[HoudiniHissy]

Taking the buttons away, absolutely! works a TREAT.

Also coolly and calmly delivering their insults back at them. That cripples them.

All is fair in Love and Bullies.