How would you react to this from a close friend?

[mythoughtlessfriend]

I'm a bit fed up. I had to have a screening today which, being blunt, my consultant said "to check you don't have cancer."

It was normal thankfully.

But my oldest friend of 30 years lives 5 mins from the hospital (London.) She didn't invite me to pop round afterwards, and now- been home for hours- she hasn't even phoned to see how it went. she knows I was going as we talked about it 2 days ago.

Sometimes when I have these check ups I invite myself round, but this time I held back as I thought the invite should be forthcoming.

She has had a terrible cold, so I would have understood if she didn't fancy me calling in, but she too had a health scare which resulted in her having an MRI scan last week- I called her within an hour of her having it to see how she was- on her mobile and her landline. She had no news, so I called her every day to see if there was any, for 3 days.

I feel very hurt and TBH she is making less and less effort- we live an hour away and it's always me who has to offer to see her when I'm in LOndon- she never offers to come to see me even though I have 2 kids and a p/t job!


Little bit fed up and just wanted to off load.

[MooncupGoddess]

Glad that your screening went well.

It sounds like she is just not as diligent about keeping up the friendship as you are at the moment - which doesn't mean she doesn't care, maybe she just has a lot of other stuff on.

Maybe reduce your expectations a little, but continue to keep in touch, and see what happens? Incidentally, if I was having a scan I would hate it if a friend rang immediately afterwards then every day until I got the results! I'd feel really hassled. She may feel differently about this sort of thing from you.

[mythoughtlessfriend]

Thanks. I don't think she felt hassled when I called her- we are very close- like sisters almost- and her DH lives/works overseas so she had no one at home. In her case, the worst result would have been epilepsy or a brain tumour- so it was quite serious potentially.

Because of my work, we don't see each other that often, but we never go more than a week without talking.

I think the reason I am so miffed is that other friends texted me to wish me good luck, and she lives 5 mins from the bleeding place where I had it done!

[SandStorm]

Could it be that she was just expecting you to pop round as usual and because you haven't she doesn't want to contact you in case you've had bad news and she doesn't want to intrude. It could be she didn't feel you needed an invitation.

[ChitChattingElf]

I would feel hurt in your place. Its sad when a good friend lets you down .

[mythoughtlessfriend]

Sand- no, it would have to be organised as she is often busy- she cares for her elderly mum so there is no way I'd just call round - she might be out.

I think she's been very off hand- I've had the same symptoms before and yes, the investigations were negative, but that was a year ago, and my consultant would not have asked for more tests if he didn't think they were necessary, but because all was ok before I think she assumes all would be ok again.

Last time, a year ago, I had a more invasive investigation, and she collected me afterwards and looked after me for the day- so there is a history to this!

There's no logical reason for her not to ask how I got on- just that she is being off hand about it.

[dickiedavisthunderthighs]

It sounds like you have different expectations of how attentive you should be within a friendship.

I'll be honest and say I balked a bit when you said that you rang her on her landline and her mobile and then every day for three days asking for news of her scan - surely if she had any news she'd have told you? I would have been very uncomfortable being on the receiving end of such attentiveness, and people often need time to process news, on their own and quietly, be it good or bad.

Similarly if she's been poorly then I'm afraid that you're not going to be on the top of her list of priorities, as rough as that is as obviously it was very nerve-wracking for you today.

I think you need to take a step back and work out who's putting what into this friendship; there could be a much bigger imbalance than perhaps you've realised, and you might need to reassess how much you think she values you.

[mythoughtlessfriend]

It's hard to explain it all here without outing myslef and my friend.

Let's just say that after my friend had had an "incident" healthwise, 2 weeks ago, she called me as soon as she got home- within minutes. She wanted me to be able to bear testimony to what she had experienced so I could vouch for her symptoms if she later was unable to do so. (The incident was akin to a fit, in a public place and she was highly distressed.)
We spent about an hour on the phone with her asking me for support and advice.

I was the only person she told, except for her neighbour who saw her getting out of the taxi that has brought her home.

In the light of that, I don't think it was excessive to call her as soon as she'd had her MRI scan. If I had not been working I'd have offered to go with her.

And the other point is- she didn't know I had called so often as she wasn't there to answer the phone!

So this maybe puts our friendship into perspective.

[Dozer]

I think you're expecting a bit too much.

[dickiedavisthunderthighs]

Hm, you do seem to be the better friend here.

I'd back off for a bit, oldest friend doesn't always mean bestest friend and perhaps she's so used to you being there for her that she's taking you and your needs for granted :(

[mythoughtlessfriend]

dozer- can you tell me why you think I am expecting too much?
Not being funny- but as I was having a test for cancer and my oldest and IMO closest friend lives nearby, didn't invite me to pop round after and hasn't called me to find out the results- isn't that something to be a bit peeved about?

If I've got it all wrong, fine- but it's not how I behave. And more to the point, other people who I don't class as close friends have emailed me and texted to see how it went!

[bejeezus]

If she's your oldest and closest friend, I find your reaction a bit odd. Yes she should have phoned but why can't you just phone her or pop round to SEE if she is in. Why don't you just ask het why she didn't phone you?

[swallowedAfly]

maybe you should just give her a call and see how she is rather than let this fester.

maybe she really is feeling crap and has spent the day under the duvet finally getting some sleep.

you just don't know do you?

try not to jump to conclusions and feel so hard done by (don't mean that nastily but it's an easy mental path to fall onto).

glad your screening went well btw

[AmberLeaf]

So shes a bit unwell herself [cold]

She cares for an elderly parent.

You usually go round uninvited.

What exactly has she done wrong?

I also think your ringing every day was too much.

[wannaBe]

I can understand you being a bit upset over her not calling/inviting you around but equally I think that people do have other things happening in their lives.

I have a friend who has been through a very hard time over the past few months. This has involved trips to hospital/surgeries etc.

Whenever he has hospital appointments I make a point of texting before he goes and later in the day to see how he's got on. But that' just me.

I have had to go to the same hospital incidentally for different appointments, and he will usually text to see how it's going, but I wouldn't expect him to text as soon as I was done to see what was going on - I would make a point of letting him know anyway.

It seems like there's some miscommunication - yes I think it's fine to hope that she would text to ask how it went, but equally I also think that if she hasn't for whatever reason you shouldn't be holding off in the hope she will make the move. As you're good friends why not just text her and let her know - not doing so is a bit petty IMO.

[TooEasilyTempted]

You only had your appointment a few hours ago, give her a chance.

I'm not surprised she didn't invite you round if she had her own serious health scare last week, she has a terrible cold and on top of that cares for her elderly mother.

Perhaps on her priority list at the moment, telephoning you the minute you step out of your appointment (which is what you appear to have expected) is not at the top.

[JaneBirkin]

You said you would never just turn up, but earlier on you said you had invited yourself round a few times previously.

I do think it sounds like perhaps she has stuff going on and cannot give you the attention and commitment you desire.

Come another time she may be able to, and you may not.
Let it ride - you really shouldn't be so angry about this, I don't think. And if someone had called me day in day out for several days I would be feeling very pressured if I didn't want to talk to them at that moment.

She might have been there, and letting the phone ring. I have caller id and have done this myself - you do sound a bit like my late best friend, who couldn't understand why I didn't always want that sort of attention from her, though she meant it extremely kindly. She could have started a thread like this.

Please just let it ride...you are still friends, you need to be a bit flexible though or you might push her away further. And that's not worth it...my best friend died recently and I miss the heck out of her, and my phone doesn't ring any more.

[swallowedAfly]

oh jane - so sorry about your friend!

[UnlikelyAmazonian]

I am going to go a little against the grain here, but I think it
's ok to be cross and upset by your best friend. Things like this matter because you are best friends. For whatever reason, she hasn't been as loving and thoughtful and she normally is and we are only human - that hurts, when we have had a scare and a health worry or any other occasion we feel is major to us.

The fact that you have been able to post on MN and get it off your chest is good. You haven't rung your friend and had a go and you haven't suklked, you have just wished she had been closer on this occasion.

i wouldn't worry about it and you sound like a very good friend, as does she. Lovers have tiffs you know and best friends are like lovers iykwim! (hugs) glad your screening went well. Phew!

[mythoughtlessfriend]

Thanks everyone. There seems to be a lot of posts around about friends who don't measure up in some ways!

An update on this is that my friend phoned yesterday- I hoped it was to see how I was, but no, she launched into a monologue all about her, and her scan for which she'd had last week and how she's now seen her dr and all was okay. I paused, thinking she'd ask after me- nothing. I asked if she had forgotten about my scan. She obviously had as she waffled and said she wasn't sure what day I was having it.

Most of the conversation was about her, and I came off the phone feeling rather . She has not been to my house to see me for years and years- the understanding seems to be that I go to hers when I am in London for another reason, or because London is more exciting than where I live- but it's all feeling one sided to me. If I invited her to come here she would- but only after giving me loads of dates when she couldn't due to other commitments.