is there a point to have counselling when DH is a verbally abusive and controlling b***?

[viennesewaltz]

just wondered. I told him I had enough and that it is over for me but he wants to try counselling now. I am highly scepticle that it would work in an abusive relationship.

should I give it a try or is it pointless?

[OldLadyKnowsNothing]

It is pointless. Counselling does not work with abusive relationships. However, if he's serious, counselling FOR HIM might help, once he has accepted your relationship is over.

[izzywhizzyspecanpie]

I share your sceptism, but if you give it a try you don't necessarily have to lose sight of the fact that you want out.

Counselling may help ensure that any future separation/divorce is less toxic than it currently has the potential to be but, conversely, it could spectacularly backfire if he reigns himself in while in the presence of a counsellor only to unleash his ire shortly after you've left the building.

If you dip your toe in the water by attending a couple of sessions at least he won't be able to accuse you of 'not trying' - but is it, or is he, really worth the bother?

No-one can decide for you - it's your choice.

[babyhammock]

I'd say if he was serious about changing he'd enrol on an abuser programme himself and not insist on joint councelling which doesn't work with abusers. Don't get taken in x

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

viennese,

No re joint counselling. It could well be a stalling tactic on his part to try and wrong foot you.

Joint counselling is never adviseable when there is ongoing abuse. Abusive men often use such sessions to talk over the other person, try and bamboozle the counsellor and make it all out to be the other person's fault.

Counselling for your own self and on your own may well prove beneficial.

[ItsMeAndMyPuppyNow]

No point in joint counselling, no.

You will probably benefit greatly from solo counselling once you're out.

Whether he chooses to go to solo counselling to work on his own issues is his own affair.

[IShouldHaveBeenAPairOfClaws]

My worry would be that he could try to use the fact that he was generous enough to turn up as evidence that he is changing. If I were you I would leave ASAP but maybe consider some form of counselling for yourself.

[liverLadyLass]

Op your obviously not the one that needs a therapist he does,why is he dragging you into something that is not your problem? A coward if you ask me! In the same sence it could be a good idea for the first few to let the therapist hear your problems with him then leave and let him get on with the therapy himself? Just a thought? Good luck

[viennesewaltz]

In a way I would like to make it work though I know I am probably delusional.

my main worry re counselling would be: DH always says everything is my fault (all the things he could not achieve in life, the fact that this relationship is not working, DS1's autism etc etc). for him is is just about putting the blame on me and I don't think he is willing an able to 'work'on things.

the other big worry is that because he is very very intelligent, charismatic and highly manipulative that he will portait during counselling a picture of me as a weak, confused, stupid and unable headless chicken IYSWIM...

I think I will stick to my guns. it is over. thank you for all your replies. much appreciated!

[viennesewaltz]

just re-read attilas post and I think you summed up my worries really well. I think he will bamboozled the councillor into thinking that only I am to blame.

[PosiesOfPoinsettia]

Definitely go, the counsellor will be very straight with your DH.

Counsellors are clever people and will see right through your DH, it may take a counsellor to make him see what he's like. The counsellor will not be bamboozled by your DH.

EG. If DH says you change your mind a lot and are weak and indecisive the counsellor may ask how he supports you, not sit and agree that you are a weak waste of space.

However you could insist he does the program alone, if you're strong enough to end it all do it.

[ItsMeAndMyPuppyNow]

If you do as Posies suggests, be upfront right from the start about your husband's abusive behaviour.

If it is a counsellor worth his or her salt, they will then refuse to continue seeing you as a couple.

[PosiesOfPoinsettia]

Also counsellors can be good mediators to facilitate a break up.

[NettleTea]

yep, have councilling, but as individuals not as a couple. Any councillor worth their salt know that it is highly inadvisable to council where abuse is present (even Jeremy Kyle sticks to this policy!!) as they know that the abuser will use it as another stick to beat their victim with.
However individual councilling could be a good thing, you will find your strength again, recognise the red flags and your boundaries, and learn how to reinforce them. It will also help you to rebuild your self esteem. So councilling YES, but not as a couple.