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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Unable to conceive..now he wants to leave me after 9 years

25 replies

itsohsoquiet · 12/11/2011 23:57

I have been with my OH for nearly 9 years and came off birth control 18 months ago in preparation to have a baby. While we have only been actively trying since April I expected something to have happened by now seeing as we haven't used protection for so long.

In the last couple of months we have been rowing more and more and during one of our arguments in anger I told him I didn't want a baby and he followed me into another room and saw me take a birth control pill.

Tonight we had another row and he said he thinks I haven't got pregnant because I have been secretly taking the pill which is not true but due to the fact we have been arguing a lot lately I have gone off the idea of having a baby. He is really upset by this and said that if we don't have a baby next year then it is over. He has now gone to bed and I am sitting downstairs in tears.

OP posts:

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clam · 13/11/2011 00:04

He saw you take a birth control pill? Sorry, I don't understand. Why would you do that?

ImperialBlether · 13/11/2011 00:09

You're unable to conceive because you're taking birth control pills?

itsohsoquiet · 13/11/2011 00:09

No it was only once that I took it but he doesn't believe me and thinks I'm still taking them

OP posts:

clam · 13/11/2011 00:19

But why did you even take the one? To prove a point?
Really sorry, but you both sound a bit immature. You might be right in thinking that having a baby is not a good idea at the moment if this is how you deal with things.

liverLadyLass · 13/11/2011 00:21

Hi,
He's put two and two together and came away with five, over your actions sorry!
Sounds like he really wants to settle down and have a family with you,maybe instead of bickering you should go see your gp and tell him about your situation as your partner could be paranoid he could be firing blanks also which could be making him tetchy?? taking a pill in front of him was a bad idea it's now making him doubt you, it's like you wanting a baby then him putting on a condom,!!!
You also sound as if you feel he's blaming you for not falling pregnant? Is he?
Stop bickering and both of you go see the gp, it could be your both so stressed over getting pregnant that the stress could be stopping it happening, just a thought!

GypsyMoth · 13/11/2011 00:24

Why take a pill? Sounds mad

differentnameforthis · 13/11/2011 00:28

Agree with clam. Immature of you to take a pill to 'prove a point'. I am not at all surprised that he thinks you are taking them still.

Other than that, 9mths isn't really that long to be trying & not being successful. I took a yr to fall with my first & a lot of women take much much longer. This has nothing to do with you not being able to conceive, but a lot to do with your (perceived by him) deception. He can't trust you. And he can't trust you because you played stupid games.

differentnameforthis · 13/11/2011 00:30

Missed that you came off the pill 18mths ago.

You have only been trying since April tho? What methods are you using to predict ovulation?

SolidGoldVampireBat · 13/11/2011 01:14

Why would you take a birth control pill? To work, they have to be taken regularly. Was this some kind of tantrum demonstration of your feelings?

TBH if your relationship is a mess then don't get pregnant unless you really want to be a single mother. Are you concerned that he is seeing you as a breeding animal rather than as yourself?

DioneTheDiabolist · 13/11/2011 01:17

OP, it appears that you do not want a child with this man.
So what are you doing?

Proudnscary · 13/11/2011 07:36

Although I agree with others that taking the (one) pill was a childish (and hurtful) thing to do as a way of punishing him - it has however had devastating consequences for you so I won't berate you further!

I think the key thing here is your relationship. If it's this rocky, you really can't even think of having a baby whether he decides he wants to continue trying or not.

How old are you? I ask because you sound quite young. I also ask because when you get older, like me, you realise that things generally do happen for a reason. This might turn out to be a blessing in disguise if you are not right for each other. You might find yourself in a healthier relationship having a baby at the right time with the right person in a couple of years.

TooEasilyTempted · 13/11/2011 09:54

You told him you didn't want a baby and took a birth control pill in front of him in the middle of an argument?

Perhaps you should hold off on the trying to conceive until you've grown up.

ledkr · 13/11/2011 10:09

Maybe the op is acting immaturely because she is extremely stressed about ttc and her relationship problems. Why dont you post on the conception boards for some support with this?

FabbyChic · 13/11/2011 10:38

It can take well over a year to conceive, I didnt take protection for two years and wasnt trying to conceive, it took 3 years to get pregnant and there is nothing physically wrong with me.

HauntedHengshanRoad · 13/11/2011 12:46

You sound unhinged, OP. Why take a single pill? Why be so manipulative?

OracleInaCoracle · 13/11/2011 12:59

What is your relationship like normally? How has ttc affected your sex life? Are you shagging on a timetable, or still trying to be spontaneous? For some couples arguing "more often" is once a month. For others its not a weekend without a good row. And I echo that 9m trying is nothing, you are certainly not classed as "unable to conceive"

OracleInaCoracle · 13/11/2011 12:59

What is your relationship like normally? How has ttc affected your sex life? Are you shagging on a timetable, or still trying to be spontaneous? For some couples arguing "more often" is once a month. For others its not a weekend without a good row. And I echo that 9m trying is nothing, you are certainly not classed as "unable to conceive"

ChickensHaveNoEyebrows · 13/11/2011 13:02

If he doesn't now believe you re the pill, that's your own fault. I think you need to apologise for behaving in such a childish manner, and have a proper discussion about trying for a baby or not.

DilysPrice · 13/11/2011 13:10

This seems like a huge but non-fatal row that you can get over with deep breaths, apologies and help from counsellors/GPs. TTC can be very stressful; a fight on the subject does not mean that your relationship is doomed (it might be doomed of course for other reasons, but then that's true of any relationship).

itsohsoquiet · 13/11/2011 14:00

Just to make me feel even worse I'm now 'unhinged' ? I knew posting here was a bad idea

OP posts:

Hissy · 13/11/2011 14:05

I don't like the fact that he followed you from one room to another in an arguement. were you trying to diffuse the arguement? did he keep on?

what else is going on?

I don't think you should consider having a baby with someone you are regularly arguing with.

If he goes, let him. Don't stay with him for the sake of 9 years. If it's over, it's over. If he is not the one, then tbh the sooner you end it and give yourself time to heal and then see what life has in store for you.

OracleInaCoracle · 13/11/2011 14:08

itsohsoquiet, dont be like that. ttc is hard on relationships. we assume that as soon as we stop preventing pg, thats it, baby. but life rarely happens like that.

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ledkr · 13/11/2011 14:21

its oh so quiet you are not unhinged and people were un kind to say that.As i said up thread as mnhq to move this to conception.

SolidGoldVampireBat · 13/11/2011 23:04

OP, do you want to become a parent? Do you want to have a baby with this man? Because it doesn't sound like a very good idea TBH. Just from reading your post it sounds like he is the one who's keen on the idea of parenthood and you are less so. It's perfectly all right not to want children, or not to want them yet, and it's also perfectly all right to end a relationship that you no longer want to participate in.

DilysPrice · 13/11/2011 23:47

It is also fine to be pretty sure you want to have a baby in a relationship and then have a big fight and worry about what that means and want to take a break from TTC while you sort things out - makes perfect sense though taking a single pill is clearly not the way to do it, as you know.

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