should i forgive and forget??

[rachyaimeelou]

i dont know wat to write or how to start this thread as it has been over a year but since april last year me and my mum havent really spoken and in a way have become strangers, we have tried to make amends but then some thing else happens and we fall out again.

first time we fell out was because i moved in with my partner, 6 months later we made up, then i got engaged, she fell out with me again because my partner hadnt asked her permission but my grandads, (only because he knows how much of a dad my grandad is to me) and the 3rd time was because id allowed my ex to have our daughter more often, which wasnt my choice but the courts decsicion

and now im just at the point were i really cant be bothered with her because of how she has been in the past and i wud rather focus on my family than on some one who holds bigger grudges than queen victoria, she still hates my ex after something he did 3 years ago, she still wont speak or apologise to my partner for the way she treated him in the early stages of our relationship.

but wat type of mother keeps secrets from her daughter, lies to her daughter, tries to break up her daughter and her parnter, batters her daughter infront of her grandaughter and for 6 months ignores her pregnant daughter to focus more on her son jus because hes in the army but then as soon as her son passes out and goes to london she then remember that she does have a daughter and 2 grandkids....it took her 3 weeks to come and see her grandson after he was born and now hes 3 months, i havent said she cant come and see him.

i just dont have the energy any more to want to be her daughter, i have been fighting all my life for her attention, her approval and for us to have a mother daughter relationship but now im 25 i wud rather build on mine and my daughters relationship just so that we dont end up like me and my mum.....its ok for her to say oh lets forget everything and be friends but for me after everything she has said and done over the last 2 years its not that easy.

am i being unreasonable??? shud i jus forgive and forget???
please help xx

[rachyaimeelou]

original thread

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/feeling_depressed/1229257-anxious-over-babies-birth-scared-it-could-spark-off-new-arguements

[sayithowitis]

Having read your post, I am seriously wondering why you would even be considering forgiving and forgetting!

You may decide you want to forgive, but from what you say, she has done things that you would never be able to forget! And for me, forgiving can only happen once the perpetrator has truly understood and atoned for their awful deeds. You don't mention anywhere that your female biological parent ( I refer to her as this as she fits no definition I know of a mother) even recognises that she has acted wrongly and badly towards you. Let alone is making any effort to apologise.

Personally, no, I would not want her in my life at all and I would not be able to forgive or forget her behaviour.

for you.

[buzzskeleton]

I was weighing it up until you said she batters you in front of your child, and then I came down firmly on the side of fuck her off out of your life. You don't need an abuser in your life. She physically attacked you & showed your dc what violence is.

If I was you, I'd create a whole lot of distance and detach emotionally, and wouldn't give her the opportunity to hurt you or your dc again.

[sayithowitis]

And having now read your linked thread, I am even more certain that I would not have her in my life, or my DCs. How could it ever be right to allow her into your life when she thinks it is ok to batter you in front of your child! I must be a lot harder than you because at that point I would have involved the police and I would have pressed charges.

Sorry.

[rachyaimeelou]

see thats wat i mean, my definition of a mother is some one who cuddles u wen ur upset, does girly things with you, not once did me and my mum have a day out together, were as me and my 3 yr old daughter have been to fish spas, been the cinemas, done girly things together

and thankyou, i didnt want to sound like i was being horrible towards her and her definition of an apology is a message on facebook were as my definition of an apology is to see the person face to face xx

[rachyaimeelou]

the only thing i cud do wen she battered me was to take my dd and run and i did i ran away as far as possible from her

[buzzskeleton]

Horrific.

You can't make a healthy relationship with your mum on your own - she sounds toxic.

I think your job now is give your dc the sort of mum you deserved (but didn't get) as you're doing, and keep them away from someone so destructive.

[Anniegetyourgun]

I'm so sorry you've never had a proper mother, rachy, and impressed that you're managing to be a proper mother yourself without a positive role model to follow. Frankly it sounds as though the biggest favour you could do for your DD is to keep this toxic granny well out of her life. Absolutely do not listen to anyone who tries to tell you you're depriving her of grandparents; they don't know, they've never seen what your mother is like, they are picturing a slightly irritating batty old dear. The sad fact is that nasty women do not magically become nicer just because their daughters gave birth.

I agree that an apology via Facebook is no apology at all (could anyone else see it - playing to an audience?), unless that is the only way she knows how to get in touch with you. And "let's forget everything and be friends" is not an apology! It implies there was a disagreement between you that got out of hand, not that she physically attacked you in front of your child.

[Anniegetyourgun]

Or what buzz said in far fewer words!