Marriage rows...

[MoneyMisery]

I have name-changed in fear of being outed.

DP and I have been together for five years and recently got engaged. We've started looking at venues (although the wedding won't be talking place until at least next year, just looking!) and themes but there is one thing we can't agree on: money.

DP and I have never had a joint bank account. We are both lucky enough to have jobs that pay well so he takes care of the mortgage and I take care of the bills and groceries. He has his money and I have mine. I mean, we don't have it under lock and key, we're happy to share but this way has always worked for us.

When discussing the wedding I asked DP about a prenup. I just assumed we would get one but DP doesn't like the idea. He says that the way we are now is fine but once we are married everything is shared. Okay, I agree with him on most things but my mind is screaming that it's a bad idea.

I guess I'm comforted by the idea that if anything goes wrong and myself and DD are left on our own I will be able to take care of us with my own money, money that I worked hard for. Ugh, I realize how pathetic that sounds even as I type it.

I want to share my life with DP. I want to share memories and laughs, jokes and babies but not a bank account. My mother always drilled into me how important it is to be an "independent woman" and I guess I'm a little scared.

Anyway, it's putting such a strain on DP and I. We're arguing alot, which we never usually do. I really just want to make things right again :(

[GotArt]

You can be an independent woman and still have a joint bank account.

I always thought pre-numpts were a waste of time unless there was a substantial amount of money and assets involved.

I understand you want to ensure your future with DD if anything were to happen, but what's the likelihood of him trying to take you for alimony?

[AKissIsNotAContract]

Keep your own account and have a joint account too. Agree on an amount/percentage of your earnings you will both pay in to the joint account and keep some money in your own savings account.

[pinkyredrose]

I agree that when you're married everything should be shared but what is your DP proposing? That you have joint accounts and that's it or that you have a joint account for bills and household things and also seperate accounts for personal expenditure?

I've always been opposed to purely joint accounts, I think it's wise to have your own seperate money as you never know what will happen. I'm also of the 'independant woman' school of thought!

I think the only time joint accounts wouldn't work is when one party earns alot more than the other and the one who doesn't earn as much keeps spending all the money on rubbish.

You both earn good money though so it shouldn't be a problem. Just have a joint account or accounts into which you both pay an equal proportion of your wages to cover mortgage, bills and emergencies and also other joint expenses like holidays, savings etc and have the rest in your personal accounts.

[buzzsorekillington]

Pre-nups aren't valid legally in the UK, are they? I think there was maybe a case that was upheld, but usually they're not worth the paper they're written on, afaik.

I'd agree with everyone else, get a joint account but both keep your own accounts as well. Pay in to the joint account together, have the bills & mortgage payments going out of it, and whatever you have over either save or spend as you like.

If you came to divorce, even if you had money that was entirely separate it would probably be considered joint assets.

[ImperialBlether]

Yes, just what the others say.

You need several bank accounts:

A joint one for general purchases
A bills account
An account for your spending money
An account for his spending money
A savings account

[DuelingFanjo]

you should get a joint account for bills and mortgage but keep your own accounts separate.

[Hassled]

I have been married for a while now, but have never had a joint account with DH. It works fine for us - even when, as now, he's the sole earner. It probably helps that he's self-employed but I do all the finance/billing/banking etc so I have a degree of control that way.

So a joint account isn't a necessity. Not all couples have one. But tbh your post is less about banking and more about lack of trust, isn't it? You can have a joint account and keep your own little stash elsewhere if that would make you both more comfortable, but I guess his reaction is because he feels that you don't trust him to do the right thing if/when it all goes tits up. And the fact that you're even implying it might go tits up. I think you have some bridge-building to do.