Do you keep supporting a friend after a break-up when you don't agree with their actions?

[reddaisy]

My friend broke up with her (IMO) lovely fiance last year after she met someone through work. Her new partner moved in and refused to tell ANYONE they were together and didn't pay rent for eight months so he could save to buy himself a flat.

My friend was happy with this, they even went on holiday together and she was told not to put the photos on facebook. Obviously alarm bells were ringing for her friends but she wouldn't pressure him to tell his family etc.

He has now broken up with her and moved out (but left most of his stuff behind) and is now playing games with her IMO. Obviously from an outsider's perspective she needs to cut all ties etc but she keeps meeting up with him etc and it is getting annoying giving her advice that she isn't ready to take.

Do I keep listening for hours/sympathising etc or do I do a tough love approach? I tried the latter and we had a row about it.

[reddaisy]

Meant to say that her actions I don't agree with are her having any contact with him or not giving him an ultimatum - IE tell your friends and family we are together or get lost, I have also told her to invoice him for eight months backdated rent!

I also don't think she should be meeting up with him when nothing has changed since he walked out.

[reddaisy]

The most infuriating thing is that none of this is "her". She normally doesn't put up with any crap from anyone and she is taking it and taking it from him and when I do point out things she says she knows but that she can't help it because she loves him.

[AnyF]

Gawd save us from "love" and "romance" when this is how low it brings you...

I can only advise what I have done in a similar situation (and others have also done to me in the distant past..)

Tell her how you feel. Tell her you will be there for her if/when it all falls apart. Until then, you no longer want to be her emotional sounding board and the subject is closed.

[AnyF]

Sorry, should have added. Stay in touch, but that her dysfunctional relationship is not your concern and you don't want to discuss it further. Then move the subject along.

[Jetwash]

I have a friend like this,who was strung along by someone for 20 years! It got to the point where I gave her,literally, 5 minutes to air the latest upheaval and upset that he'd caused. Otherwise she'd happily dominate our every conversation with tales of the time-waster.

[perfumedlife]

Jeez, what a mess. I had a friend in a similar position and it dragged on for years, in fact it still is. I tried the approach AnyF suggests and it did work for a while. The problem was she kept falling back into endlessly discussing him with me and I eventually lost all respect for her and walked away.

You can't make her see this any quicker but maybe if she looks around and her friends are dwindling it could focus her mind. Or maybe it would push to hang on to him at all costs. Difficult.

Are you very close?

[AnyFucker]

yes, that is the danger if you pull back too far, PL

she then starts to think he is "the only one who cares, who understands her"

a fine line to tread....but when a friend starts to drag you down too, you have to save yourself

[reddaisy]

We are close but not as close as we once were due to our lives going in different directions IE I have had children etc.

She has always been an extremely loyal friend to me and I know that if I needed her she would drop everything and come to me and she has done in the past.

Some good advice thanks. She isn't dragging me down but it is getting tedious knowing that all my sound advice is falling on deaf ears and then she just meets up with him regardless. I don't fancy 20 years of this though!

She would definitely think that he is the only one who understands her as AF said even though she has been to every important occasion on her own this year, important birthdays, weddings etc. That isn't a partnership.

It is so hard watching your friend be messed around by someone you know is no good for her. She has also told him the things I have said about him during the break up stage so if they do get together, I expect I will be cut out in the future for daring to tell her I think he is taking the piss.

[perfumedlife]

In that case, I would give AF's suggestion a try. It's not like its been going on for years, it's about a year, yes? Maybe the temporary madness of the lust will clear and she will see what hes all about soon. Just tell her you can't agree with her on this and so won't discuss it at length. That alone might make her think again,

Would be a pity to lose a good and loyal friend over a tosser like this guy.