Moving on from an abusive childhood, feel stuck

[jasminerice]

I literally feel 'stuck' and don't know where to go from here. Tp try and cut a long story short, I have been NC with my birth family for 5 years (apart from a little contact recently by letter only). I have seen various counsellors, read numerous books and feel I have come a very long way since I first started on this journey. I have worked through loads and loads of anger, pain, lonliness and various other emotions.

I don't know what else I should do or need to do but I feel there must be something I need to be doing to continue my recovery. I developed various physical illnesses as a result of the emotional damage done to me and I see recovering from my physical ailments as a sign of my emotional healing.

I want to write to my parents to tell them there is no possibility of ever resuming a relationship with them, but I keep making excuses to myself instead of just getting on and writing the letter. I don't know if it's a case of there being so much I want to write that I don't know where and how to start and the whole task just feeling too overwhelming. And I am also worried that once I start writing I won't want to stop but will have to in order to see to the DC's and I just don't like the idea of having to leave something that will inevitably stir up a lot of emotions halfway and then have to try and pick it up again later. So all I do is go over and over in my mind the sort of things I would write if I ever manage to actually sit down and write my letter.

I don't even know why I started this thread tbh. I doubt there's anything anyone can say to me. I just need to get on with it.

[TheArmadillo]

I found with writing a letter I kept a notebook by my bed and jotted things down as I thought of them to start with. I could cross them out later if I changed my mind but it was a starting point - but one I could do without getting too deeply into it.

[jasminerice]

TheA, thankyou, that's actually a very good idea. I'm going to try it straightaway. Thankyou.

[Fuzzywuzzywozabear]

I wrote the letter but never sent it. I didn't need to. The act of writing it was cathartic and I knew they would deny and lie about everything which would have made me feel worse. It sounds like you're looking for "an answer" ie. Why did they treat me like this, act like this etc etc

After extensive counselling I came to the conclusion that I would never find an answer because there wasn't one. Strangely, in the end, I was ok with that. I now have extremely limited contact and am at peace with myself

[jasminerice]

Fuzzy hi and thankyou for your post. Yes, I think I might be looking for an answer and I want them to understand and think about how they made me feel. But I do know that's futile, they never will because they are flawed and damaged and unable.

I have started just writing out a few notes and already feel better. My illnesses are also improved which is brilliant.

Am going to keep going with jotting down my thoughts and feelings. It is very cathartic like you said.

[Fuzzywuzzywozabear]

I found by writing things down it stopped it all buzzing round my head. Glad you're feeling better - good luck

[jasminerice]

Yes, the incessant thoughts buzzing around my head was what was making me feel stuck I think. I kept having the same thoughts over and over again and couldn't seem to move past them. Writing it all down seems to have done the trick and my mind feels clear for a change.

Thankyou for your good wishes, it always helps to hear about other people's experiences.