Mother & DH arguing - advice please

[knitterati]

Hi, my DH and my mother constantly bicker and argue (about stupid stuff) when they see each other - both sides get offended and then come to me as some sort of arbitrator.

I'm sick of being/feeling stuck in between 2 people I love the most in the world. I've tried talking to DH about it, but I find it difficult to raise with my mother because I ask DH not to rise to the bait and argue.

It's so frustrating and really don't know how to stop this long-standing bickering.

Any advice?

[JanMorrow]

Talk to them both seperately about how much it is upsetting you, don't let them brush it off, and make it clear to both of them that you're not laying any blame and you are also talking to the other one about it.

Bit odd in adults really! Is one more at fault than the other do you think?

[diddl]

So, you´ve told your husband but not your mum-bet he feels good about that!

[KatieScarlett2833]

Tell your Mum to cut it out.

Job done.

[knitterati]

I'm worried if I tell my mum to cut it out she'll think that I'm siding with DH, the gap between us will increase and she'll have issue with me as well or think it's DH pulling the strings.

DH doesn't really talk to my mum as an equal, he doesn't agree with what she does for a living (she's a psychic, does tarot etc), I'm agnostic about it all, believing different folks, different strokes. But I think that all affects how DH talks to my mom, and in turn she sees everything he says as a personal attack.

DH tries to keep his tone of voice in check and now understands how much it hurts me to see, but sometimes she baits him until she gets a reaction.

Any suggestions on how I broach it with my mother?
Thanks for your thoughts so far.

[TheMagnificentBathykolpian]

Your husband should have enough respect and love for you to talk to your mother in a courteous manner and your mother should have enough respect and love for you to treat the man you have chosen to spend your life with, with respect.

Instead, they are locked in some silly battle, fighting it out to see who 'wins'.

If they are behaving like children, then perhaps it's time to treat them like children.

"If you two can't get on, I'm going to send you to your rooms with no supper." perhaps that might send a message to them about how childish they are being.

Or maybe just right there and then say "Oh, for crying out loud, I am tired of this. Just give it a rest you two, will you. I a sick to death of you fighting like a pair of kids."

Perhaps they should just stay away from each other if they can't respect one another - and you - enough to be civil?

Or maybe there should be agreed 'no go' topics of conversation?

[diddl]

Well why shouldn´t you be siding with your husband if your mother is "baiting" him?

Or tell them both to pack it in?

[ImperialBlether]

I agree with a good shout when they're both actually doing it. If you say something afterwards, each will deny it and blame the other. Just a shout of "Oh for god's sake, would you two stop bloody bickering? Husband, she's a visitor, don't be rude to her. Mother, you a guest here, don't be rude to my husband." Then leave the room, go for a long bath and let them chew on it.

[ImperialBlether]

You ARE a guest here, I meant to say! Hate it when I see a typo just as it's gone.

[knitterati]

Themagnificent and Imperial thank you very much for your sage advice.

[MooMooFarm]

Blimey this is very close to home for me .

I will offer the same advice I've given to somebody I know in this situation recently - get them both together, in the same room, and firmly tell them that they are making you unhappy and stressed, so,for your sake, could they both please stop arguing and be polite to each other whilst they are in your home. And that you will refuse to get involved in any more arguments between them. Have I said this before?.....

[WhereYouLeftIt]

"I'm worried if I tell my mum to cut it out she'll think that I'm siding with DH"
So start the conversation with "I've already told him, and now I'm telling you ...".

[NotQuiteCockney]

He's your husband - shouldn't you be siding with him?