Am I complicit in his deceit?

[uncomfortableposition]

(have namechanged for this)

Male friend of ours (very good friend of dh) confided in me (but not yet dh) that he is not happy in his marriage. I know some of the family issues that have been going on over the past years (teenage kids off the rails, other wider family members with mh issues etc) and I know the personalities of him and his dw. So I understand some of the pressures.

But then, such a bloody cliche, of course there is an OW soul mate, knows where his heart lies blah blah. Crap.

I listened, but gave him quite a tough time, thanks to mn for furnishing me with a perspective on it all. Upshot of it all is that he has finished with OW and wants to sort things out with his dw, including some difficult things that he himself has to address in his own behaviour (and which he is willing to do).

But.... I am the horrible situation where I know that he has been deceitful, and I also know that his wife does not know this. If I was his therapist I'd ask him what he intended to do about telling her, explore the consequences etc. But I'm not a therapist, I'm a friend, and I know his dw. I can understand that he needed to talk to someone, he knew I would understand some of the pressures of recent years, and also I'm not a close friend of his dw (relationship is through him and my dh). So why am I feeling so uncomfortable?

If he was continuing to contact OW, I'd tell him to tell his dw, because I could not be complicit in something that was ongoing. But what now? Does she deserve to know anyway?

[TheFarSide]

I would stay out of it now. You did well to encourage him to give up the OW, and the affair is not ongoing, so I would leave them to sort themselves out.

If he's your DH's friend, I wonder why he confided in you, and if this is why you feel uncomfortable ... ?

[SheCutOffTheirTails]

Now you step back.

You are not complicit in his deceit. As soon as he told you, you gave him hell for it and now it's over.

You've been a good friend to them both, but it is not your place to break his confidence when he is trying to do the right thing.

[BeforeAndAfter]

It's brilliant that he took your advice and ditched OW - that's one hell of an acheivement on your part.

I would not tell DW but I do think you need to encourage him to tell his DW. If she ever finds out that you knew when she didn't (and these sorts of things have a horrible habit of coming out) it could be very difficult for your DH's friendship. It looks like DH doesn't know so if you haven't told him, would that not make things awkward for you when if it all comes out?

[garlicnutter]

No. You did listening duty, which was what he asked for as a friend. You gave opinions and advice - which he would not have taken if it hadn't been right for him. Perhaps you feel responsible? You're not. You did what a friend should do for him and, clearly, you did it well. The rest is his personal choice.

On the tricky question of "whether to tell", I'm usually in favour of shopping the straying spouse. In this case, however, the affair is over. If you told, you'd be generating a problem over a past event. In my view, that would be very wrong.

I don't think you need to worry about his wife revealing suspicions to you. Come back and post again if it happens!

I hope they work it out :)

[lachesis]

He is a git for involving you in this to assuage his own conscience.

If he is continuing contact with this OW, then I would tell his wife.

He needs to cut all contact with her, forever.

I'd tell him, 'You cut it out with her, entirely, or you STFU to me. Now. End of.'

[thumbwitch]

I think, like others, that since he has sorted things out and done the right thing, it would be unnecessary and probably somewhat mean to tell his wife now. The time to tell her is past - you should have told her as soon as you found out if you were going to, not now.

[uncomfortableposition]

Thanks. I did tell my dh right away that friend had problems and had confided in me, partly because I thought friend was about to tell my dh and I thought he should be pre-warned (my dh isn't the best at listening and might not have picked up what was going on!).

Lachesis, yes he is a git for telling me, and I really wish he hadn't. Next time anyone near me comes over all 'confessional' I'm going to run a mile! I don't think he did it to assuage his own conscience, I don't think he was looking for my approval (he certainly didn't get if, if he was), I think he was genuinely stuck for someone to talk to. He's been a dick, and I think that talking it through helped him to see that.

I'm pretty sure that breaking it off with OW means complete no contact. If I thought otherwise, then I would threaten to tell his dw.

[AnyFucker]

I am usually one who says "tell, the deceived party has the right to know"

I think every situation is different though, and in this one, I would stay quiet (for now)

I would encourage him to tell his wife himself, but not do any more than that

I would also make it clear that now he has confided in you, you are involved (whether you like it or not) and if he rekindles anything with OW, you will tell his wife

he has had his chance now, he is very lucky to have it

make sure he knows that

[ImperialBlether]

OK well I've been the wife in this situation and if he's determined to stay and make things work, I think it would be better if she didn't know.

Once you know you have years of coping with that news ahead of you. If he's determined to make his marriage work and wants to stay with his wife, I'd say he should put his back into that and forget the OW.

[izzyizin]

I concur with all of the advice above to step back and keep your own counsel about his ow but I wouldn't put him on notice that I would feel obliged to tell his dw if he were to resume his affair - I'd wait to see if he did so and, at that point, I'd make it clear to him that I intended to tell her if he didn't.

One other thing I would do is insist that he gets himself tested for stis and shows me evidence of a clean bll of health.

Sadly, I've got a feeling that this won't be the end of it and that he will turn to the ow again in the not too distant future.

If I were you, I'd be working on an apology/explanation to give his dw in the event that he drops you in it - and if my psychic powers are proved right, he will because twunts like him lack the loyalty gene.