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Do ExH's ever stop being arsey?

4 replies

TC123 · 05/07/2011 12:08

Just a brief one really ... do exH ever stop being arsey?
Now divorced (after 23 years together/15 married) - Ex had an affair and now lives with GF (living the life of a single teenager, lol), however, at every opportunity he still has to put digs in - he has been soooooo inflexible with everything and actually made our divorce/house sale very stressful by being a d**k and questioning EVERYTHING!!! If I ask about flexibility with the DC he constantly quotes how many times I've been out, (I rarely ask for any flexibility now although as every mother would do, flex for him so the DC are not suffering). I think I have been completely tolerant of the situation (after the initial devastation) and have not been derogatory to him, have kept my emails courteous and impersonnel ... this all makes him worse!
I can actually laugh at his patheticness now 95% of the time (took a long time), however, the thought that this will go on and on and on ... I dread to think how he will be the first time he sees me with another man ... I'm sure he'll come out with some corkers! I've type this whilst in a happy mood, however, some days it really makes me down and the thought that a dig from him can have such an intense effect on me.
He left 14 months ago, divorced for 2 ... family house sale currently going through ...
Thanks for reading!

OP posts:

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nomedoit · 05/07/2011 12:31

It sounds as if you are a saint! Was he always like this? Is this his core personality? I wonder if it will get better after the house is sold... Mine very rarely was flexible and if he was you would have thought he has ended world poverty from all the self-congratulation. Obviously, yours has some control issues.

I wonder if his new, single life isn't actually all that wonderful underneath and he's acting out some frustration on you? Now that he and the OW are living together it may be that some domestic reality has set in and they are seeing each others' true selves emerge.

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Saffysmum · 05/07/2011 12:40

I agree with nomedoit (i always do, but she's always on the button!) I think it grates on him no end that you are civil and more than that, that you are coping without him. It's about control I think, they want us to crumble and need them, to fall apart - feeds their pathetic egos.

Just keep on as you are. I maintain (and have done since I chucked him out nearly 3 months ago) no contact with STBxH, unless it's about the kids, then it's the bare minimum. I'm pushing on with the divorce, and all the legal stuff, and his solicitor keeps him in the loop. Things have happened with me and the kids and the house that he knows nothing about. I know he hates this, but it's how I cope. I get a lot of anger emitting off of him in waves, it's palpable - honestly you'd think I was the one who wanted out, not him.

As for what he might say if he sees you with someone else - who bloody cares! His opinion really doesn't matter any more - so keep on as you are and do what's best for you.

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elastamum · 05/07/2011 12:47

I think you need to create a fair bit of distance between you and establish seperate lives before you start to be able to relate to each other again.

My ex was often difficult in the early days, but 3 years on we are able to go to school functions together. Last week we sat and had a family picnic with our boys at a school function then he came home for tea and cake before he went off. We actually had a very pleasant afternoon together.

We occasionally have disputes about things but it is pretty rare now and we manage to resolve them. I dont have any feelings for him now and I think he feels the same about me. He has remarried and I have a new partner.

Give it time and space and it might get better

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TC123 · 05/07/2011 13:03

Thanks for your postings!
Nome - yes, I think it is a control thing tbh, I look back now and realise that probably was his personability. He wasn't like that when we met but changed due to his job on hindsight; OW does the same job!
I guess that now the divorce is complete/house going through there will only be the DC to discuss. Saffy; hit the nail on the head, its the same, he acts like it was all me!
Definitely better off without him; I have no feelings for him whatsoever! Elast; thanks for your wisdom, fingers crossed that will be me down the line!