Has anyone read 'How to save your marriage alone'?

[OnTheRampage]

That little book has the most depressing title but I don't care if it works!

After trawling a well know online book seller for inspiration I ordered several relationship / self-help type books (see other thread on DH's infidelity if you want my back story). Most books analyse the things that might make a relationship break down and how you can BOTH put it back on track.

The HTSYMA book is more about acknowledging that your relationship has already broken down and just one of you is at this stage actively trying to fix it.

So is it any use (she pleads desperately)? Has anyone used the total unconditional love at all costs strategy?

[buzzsore]

God no, sounds awful and soul-destroying.

[NettleTea]

Im sorry, but that sounds like a recipe for opening yourself up to all kinds of abuse and heartache.
It takes 2 to make a relationship. If one of you isnt in it, then its not a relationship. Thats what I was told at relate, just before they told me that it wasnt worth my time trying to do any couple councilling.
I did the personal councilling route and found I didnt want to be in a relationship where I was the only one who was putting any commitment or effort in. I was worth much more than that.
And i was. And soon I found a great DP who also felt the same way.

[AnyFucker]

Please don't consider this

What on earth are you thinking ??

that would destroy any sane human being

and before you say anything, you are sane, just very, very hurt and not thinking straight

[garlicbutter]

Are you very religious? The book's packed with biblical references and relies solely on them to advocate a state of acceptance (and submission).

Dr Wheat has a "marriage-saving ministry" which makes me want to scream and run away.

However, if you are a devoted bible-thumper and are having difficulty in accepting the current state of your life, this book may help you sort out your thoughts.

[garlicbutter]

... assuming you meant this book. Ignore me if not!!

[OnTheRampage]

Yes garlic - that's the book.

Totally religious, but I am a Christian. Out of interest what is it about the 'marriage saving ministry' that makes you want to do a runner? Just curious. To my mind saving a marriage is good thing... perhaps I'm just old-fashioned.

[garlicbutter]

I do believe that allowing yourself NOT to be guided by your hurt feelings, and doing love with your best will & an open heart, can radically alter a relationship for the better. It's a long haul, though, and having done it I would say it ain't worth it. My exes were abusive, though, I just didn't recognise it at the time. Needless to say they found new ways to take the piss and new things to criticise me for.

Even without abuse, I really question what a relationship is bringing to your life if it's THAT much work. Your H isn't equally invested in forming a new marriage with you, so why push it? Sorry :(

I haven't read your backstory. Acceptance is a wonderful thing, but maybe Wheat's kind of acceptance isn't the kind you need. Instead of spending all your money on self-help books, you might be better advised to book a couple of sessions with a good counsellor.

[garlicbutter]

x-post, but hopefully I've answered you anyway :)

[AnyFucker]

love, you can only "save" a marrige of both people in it want to do so

I am sorry to say but your husband has made his feelings quite, quite plain

a "marriage" has two people in it, by definition

you cannot force someone to love you, particularly someone who has already left to be with another woman

what do you think you can save ? seriously, what? I am so sorry, but this path is going to cause you more pain

[pickgo]

Agree with others. However hard it is to accept, I'm afraid the fact remains that a marriage takes two.

If your DH is not trying to put things right with you, or at least talking about how to, you can't do it on your own, however much you'd like to.

Coming to accept that can be a huge mindset shift I know, and will take some time to achieve.

[OnTheRampage]

ho-hum... plan b then

ah, i don't have one, humph

[garlicbutter]

You will!

Do use your faith to help you heal and make peace with all the disruptions in your life, though. It has its value :)

[AnyFucker]

for now, all you can do is look after you and dc

take each day as it comes, and use the practical stuff to get you through

have you some RL support ?

somebody to come over, if not tonight, then tomorrow ?

I am a bit worried about you x

[pickgo]

Plan B... giving yourself some time to come to terms with the situation as it now is?
Longer-term... an exit strategy?

[OnTheRampage]

Thanks Any... I'm okay, and have a couple of RL friends looking out for me. I'm a natural optimist and to just write off a marriage because my husband is acting like a tool goes against every fibre of my being.

How would any relationship survive if we gave up each time we got hurt? It's just working out where to draw the line between someone you love being human and making mistakes and when it becomes emotionally abusive :(

I've got a lot to think about... and thanks garlic, my faith has got me through this far.

[ohmyfucksy]

That book says it is for people who want to save their marriage 'at all costs', according to the intro. I don't need to read the rest of it. It clearly gives a damaging message, that any costs are worth it to save a marriage. Bollocks.

If by cheating on you he is rewarded with unconditional love, isn't that just an incentive to do it again? Basic psychology.

[garlicbutter]

OTR, I've thought of a self-help book that might suit you very well just now: "End The Struggle And Dance With Life" by Susan Jeffers. Her approach is a nice one for spiritual optimists who are struggling!

[garlicbutter]

Or her "Embracing Uncertainty" (or both)

[OnTheRampage]

Thank you garlic - the girls at work were talking about Susan Jeffers today, how random!

[garlicbutter]

Nah, not random - synchronicity

[waterrat]

Ontherampage. I think your point about not giving up on a marriage because someone is behaving unreasonably is important - BUT (and there is a big but.) it is also important, on a spiritual level, to protect yourself and your own life - and make sure that you personally are happy. that doesn't mean thinking of yourself before your marriage - but it does mean that if your partner won't commit to trying to make it work - then you are not helping anyone by continuing to stay in that situation.

For example, staying in the marriage 'at all costs' even if you are treated with contempt (I'm not saying that's your situation, but just as an example) would not, to me, be a respectful way to treat marriage or the one life that god has given you. If you are treated badly or unkindly - and you stay in that relationship - I think that you are wasting your own precious time on this earth. I don't think god would want that.

also - it's about saying to your partner - I love you and I bless you and the troubles you are having right now, but your behaviour is damaging me and my happiness and I can't keep giving energy to it right now. If you want to engage on a more positive level I'll be here for you.

I also don't think you then wait forever - but you can head off to live more positively - and allow them to come to you if they change their mind.

[OnTheRampage]

I love you and I bless you and the troubles you are having right now, but your behaviour is damaging me and my happiness and I can't keep giving energy to it right now. If you want to engage on a more positive level I'll be here for you.

Thank you waterrat - I shall keep repeating that to myself until I am able to say it to him x